NY Takes On Paris Hilton

Who said New Yorkers don't have caring hearts?

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in New York is all about authenticity. In wake of Paris Hiton's imprisonment, it has painted prison stripes on her wax statute. Find more pix here.

Not to be outdone, the NY Daily News notes that we will see a hirsute Paris when she comes out, since where beauty products, including tweezers, brushes, wax, hair spray, dye, and wigs are banned:

"She'll find she'll get pretty hairy," said Hollywood madam Jody (Babydol) Gibson, who served eight weeks in another L.A. County women's jail in 2000.

I strongly disagree. I mean, it's jail and she's rich. She can get anything she wants smuggled in there. Hello, it's a prison?!? Anyone who has watched "OZ", "Prison Break", or "The Sopranos" knows this, so why is the media turning a blind eye to it?

The Wall Street Journal Law Blog offers its help to Paris by quoting New York Divorce attorney Raoul Felder, who suggests that Paris avoid incidents with fellow inmates by keeping to herself, avoid flaunting her wealth (as it would attract dishonest inmates), and start knitting or sewing for her dog Tinkerbell and "create the next doggie-accessory craze."

Lastly, the NY Post encourages readers to download a postcard on their website with Paris' prison address pre-affixed. All you need is a stamp, folks.

Moments like these make me fall in love with New York all over again....

Adebisi LIVES...in Akon

My brother called me last year and was tripping:

"Adebisi is a singer!"

For the uninitiated, Simon Adebisi was hands down, the BADDEST dude on tv...EVER. On the HBO series OZ, Adebisi decapitated dudes, turned hetero guys into his personal sex slaves, turned the prison into his personal paradise, and had the nerve to videotape all his exploits.

I knew he meant the ACTOR who portrayed Adebisi, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. And although he was in Mary J. Blige's "Love No Limit", he was too busy being Mr. Eko on "Lost" to have a professional singing career.

After talking to my bro for awhile, I found out he confused Adewale for Akon. I can see how one could confuse Akon and Adewale in passing. Anyhoo, after doing a little research, I found out, like everybody else, that Akon had a criminal record, like Adebisi. Like Adebisi, he sold drugs. Little did I know that Akon would "handle" things much like Adebisi would.

He conned a girl on stage in Trinidad with promises of a trip to Africa. What did she get? A dry humping. Akon was conned himself: He thought security didn't let anyone under 18 in the club. She was 14. . Verizon didn't care. They dropped their sponsorship of his tour.

Months later, during a concert in Fishkill, Akon was opening his heart about how hard it was to adjust to living in the U.S. Akon shared his feelings of alienation as an African in America. What did he get in return? Some punk ass kid who threw a piece of plastic square in Akon's face.

Akon's response? He had security bring the kid to him. When the kid was brought on stage, Akon picked the kid up and tossed the kid off the stage with an Ultimate Warrior Gorilla-Press Slam.

You can see it for yourself here.





On OZ, Adebisi's character was killed off, so Adewale could film that great masterpiece "The Mummy Returns". Adebisi's "murderer" on the show, pacifist Kareem Said, claimed to be possessed by the spirit of Adebisi. After engaging in a number of uncharacteristic actions, Said proclaimed:

"Adebisi lives!"

Years after OZ was canceled, I knew Adebisi would resurface. Little did I know it would be in the form of an R&B crooner with cheesy ass songs.

Eh, I'll take whatever Adebisi I can get.

Kareem Said was right:

ADEBISI LIVES!!!

F*** The Police!

Stewart Copeland, drummer of The Police, recently ripped into his band for sucking it hard during their reunion tour:

"This is unbelievably lame" he wrote of their recent performance in Vancouver, which was rife with tripping, miscues, and other synchronishitties.

Surprisingly, that's not what's really lame.

According to the NY Post, fifth row seats at their gig at MSG August 1st are going for $11,500 a ticket.

You can blame that on resellers, but that's not the lamest thing about The Police's tour.

Wheelchair bound fans can't get tickets for the Edmonton show online from Ticketmaster.

Maybe Ticketmaster is doing a humane thing: Creating obstacles to prevent the handicapped from attending a sucky, expensive show and feeling jipped.

That's what I thought until I found out that Ticketmaster has special seats for folks in wheelchairs available by phone...for an extra $130.

Either way, as much as Stewart Copeland thinks his band sucks live, he won't be refunding anyone's tickets.

Let the buyer beware!

Sexologist Quells Teletubby Attack

UPDATE: Tinky Winky is free to be himself in Poland!

Decades of Anti-Polish sentiment can now come to an end.

The Polish Government is backing away from its previous paranoid, homophobic attack on the Teletubbies. The reversal, according to Variety, is a result of a consultation with a sexologist.

And you thought sexology was a pointless pseudo science, filled with people talking about dongs all day long. Shame on you!

With the closing of this debacle and news that Paris Hilton is reading Zen Buddhist book "The Power of Now", the hunt for Jerry Falwell's replacement seems to be at a standstill.

Lindsay Lohan and Isaiah Washington: One To Grow On

Say what you will about Isaiah Washington. But that brotha sure can act! Look at his conviction in the Public Service Announcement about the power of words. I wonder what word he could possibly be talking about? It's here.



Lindsay Lohan, on the other hand, can't keep from busting out laughing.

LindsayLohan - Don't Drink And Drive PSA
Uploaded by philcage

How in the world can she expect to be taken seriously as an Oscar contender if she can't do a PSA without laughing, fer Pete's sake?

You know who gets lost in this mess? Mr. T. He had a music video about treating your momma right. He sings, teaches, and grooves to the music WITHOUT CRACKING A SMILE.



A pessimist would argue that's because Mr. T is a better actor than Lindsay Lohan. Although Mr. T has more acting ability in his discarded Mohawk shavings than Lindsay Lohan, that isn't the point.

The point is, Mr. T BELIEVED in what he was saying, so there was no need for him to exercise any of his acting acumen. But don't cry for Mr. T. He ain't no fool to be pitied.

Post American Idol Viewing Options

With American Idol wrapped up, viewers are scrambling for something to watch.

Two suggestions that have popped up are also signs of the apocalypse:

1. Cheddar cheese aging in real-time on cheddarvision.tv
2. Three contestants fight over a kidney on The Big Donor Show, a new reality television program.
   

You can watch a the real-time cheese aging on cheddarvision.tv.

C'mon. You know you want to...

It's no Sanjaya, but more entertaining than Barry Gibb or Gwen Stefani's performance with Akon. Speaking of Akon, how do you think show producers would have reacted if he pulled the stunt he did in Trinidad with the 15 year old, live on Fox? Melinda Doolittle would've had a heart attack.

As far as the The Big Donor Show is concerned, we have your friends at the AP:

During the show, Lisa (the kidney donor) will hear interviews with the three candidates, their families and friends before choosing who will get her kidney. Viewers will be able to vote for a candidate via SMS text message, but the final determination will be Lisa's.

The shocking plot twist?

There's no guarantee the winner will actually receive the organ, because there is no tissue compatibility screening prior to the contestant selection.

So, the contestants, hoping for a donation, might actually get nothing.

But wait, there's more!

The organ donor has cancer and it's possible that her organs might spread the cancer.

With a 'prize' like that, it makes you wonder what the runners up get.

Before we start the "man folks outside of the U.S. are backwards" bandwagon, let's look at our own reality history.

If a show which encourages young wimmenz to make out with Flavor Flav is legal in the U.S., should we be surprised that The Big Donor Show produced by Endemol NV, which created Big Brother and Fear Factor, is legal in another country?

According to Reuters, BNN the network airing the show on Dutch TV, has broadcast other reality TV shows, including one called "Shooting and Swallowing" illustrating the impact of drug use, and another show on sex called "This is How You Screw".

One question from this despicable attempt at ratings must be answered:

Why isn't BNN offered by my cable carrier?

UPDATE: Rosie O'Donnell Outrage

An update to the Rosie O'Donnell story:

There's a petition to get Elisabeth Hasselbeck fired from The View. You can find it here.

Where's Janette Barber's Legal Defense Fund for her political graffiti?

People need to get their priorities straight!

Tinky Winky: Eternal Scapegoat

Reuters reports that Poland's conservative government picked up the Jerry Falwell baton in an attempt to curb what it sees as homosexual propaganda via Tinky Winky and the Teletubbies.

For those who forgot, Falwell issued an alert in 1999 over Tinky Winky's homosexual ways. In particular, his color (purple) and triangle shaped antenna. Both features, Falwell believed, were homosexual codes transmitted to impressionable Christian children.

I always thought the antenna was a silent protest against the Pro-Life movement, since it looks like an upside down coat-hanger.

Falwell's color hysteria made sense, since he was a segregationist. Poland, on the other hand, is more progressive. They just care about Tinky Winky's purse:

"At first I thought the purse would be a burden for this Teletubby ... Later I learned that this may have a homosexual undertone."

The article notes that Polish Education Minister Roman Giertych has proposed laws sacking teachers who promote "homosexual lifestyle" and banning "homo-agitation".

What is 'homo-agitation'? If anything, I thought the Teletubbies were homo-relaxation.

And what's the big deal with a purse?

Felix the Cat had one, and no one called him gay.

Is it because of reverse racism?

Turns out that Ewa Sowinska, Poland's government-appointed children rights watchdog, is seeking psychological assistance, not for her paranoia, but in helping to save the minds of young children.

This isn't the first time a shrink was called to protect kids from evil. In 1954, Dr. Frederic Wertham made a quick buck by suggesting that comic books were responsible for juvenile delinquency. His book Seduction of the Innocent postulated that Batman and Robin was a homosexual fantasy.

Yeah, right...

MLK = Bob Marley = R. Kelly?

Page Six has an awesome quote from a new interview with R. Kelly in Hip-Hop Soul Magazine:

"My greatest competition is, well, me . . . I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now."

And I agree with the "R", if we break down what he's trying to say.

I only disagree with him limiting his greatness to Black heroes instead of other noteworthy luminaries such as Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and Chuck Norris. It is troubling, as his issue knows no racial boundaries.

MLK, Ali, and Marley challenged peoples pre-conceived notions.

To the average racist of the 60's, the thought of little black children and little white children holding hands was horrific. Martin Luther King brought that image to the forefront of American consciousness. Now, we have MLK day as a national holiday.

To the average racist of the 60's, the thought of a outspoken athlete was abominable. Muhammad Ali brought that image to the forefront of American consciousness. Now, we applaud Ali as a pioneer and welcome outspoken athletes like Charles Barkley.

To the average racist of the 70's, the thought of a profound poet from Jamaica was inconceivable. Bob Marley brought that image to the forefront of American consciousness. Now, TIME Magazine calls Bob Marley's Exodus record the greatest album of the 20th century.

What R. Kelly means to humanity, quite honestly, has nothing to do with race.

To the average, sane, well-adjusted, socially responsible, resident of the 21st century without a criminal record, the thought of a person peeing on anyone, much less and underage girl, is repulsive. Yet, R. Kelly still sells albums with allusions to his impropriety. Some of us have learned to block it out when we're buying his records, grooving to his jams, or reading about his tribute to Virginia Tech.

No one has quite distinguished themselves as much as R. Kelly has in human mitteration.

His case has been dragging for years, and, who knows? Maybe it will finally take place before global warming causes glaciers to wash away life as we know it, much like R. Kelly's golden showers threatened to drown out his career.

But that's just a nagging detail.

In the interim, let's all pour a few drops in honor of this noteworthy pioneer.
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Do you think R. Kelly is worthy? What "icons" are more appropriate for him? And when do you think he's going to trial?

Beckham, Olsen, Richie: Hidden Fatties?

Victoria Beckham, The Olsen Twins, and Nicole Richie may look thin to you, but they might be fat messes.

Internally, that is.

According to a London study, a large number of thin people that diet are TOFI's (Thin Outside, Fat Inside) and have major deposits of internal fat, even if they appear slim.

The report asserts that a sumo wrestler is more likely to be internally thin than your favorite skelebrity, because a sumo's fat is stored under the skin, not streaking through vital organs and muscles.

That's right.

A sumo wrestler is thinner than Nicole Richie was when she was gorging on junk.


One wonders how many other skelebrities are really porkers...on the inside.

This should be good news for Cameron Diaz, who wants to be treated like a 300 pounder, instead of being persecuted for being thin:

"If a woman who's a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average."

Maybe Cameron is 300 pounds inside, but just doesn't know it.

Who do we blame? According to a recent study, fathers are responsible for obesity in children.

So Bobby Brown was correct on his show 'Being Bobby Brown', when he said Bobbi Kristina was big because of him.


Poor Bobbi Kristina.

More shocking? A new poll shows that parents are more concerned that their kids are fat than whether their kids get knocked up, shot/beat up at school, or stalked by on-line pedophiles.

Maybe that's why Alec Baldwin screamed at his daughter for being a pig. He, like the parents polled, cares more about weight than abuse and neglect.

What the hell is he and the other parents going to do when they find out that they're kids might be TOFI?

Let the madness begin!
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Who do you think is TOFI? How about Hollywood 'fatties' who are FOTI?

Super Mario's Troubles with Cho, Dix, and Addiction

Super Mario is on track to have the worst year ever.

First, Seung-Hui Cho imitated a Super Mario 'Hammer Brother' before engaging in horrific behavior at Virginia Tech.

Now, we've learned that a terrorist plot against Fort Dix surfaced from a restaurant inspired by the noble plumber: Super Mario Pizza.

Is it any wonder that Super Mario now lives in Brooklyn? Unemployed? With a mushroom addiction?

Super Mario was created to inspire love, not hate...even if you saw the horrid 1993 Super Mario Bros movie or even worse, Fred Savage's 1989 Super Mario movie 'The Wizard'.

Now, it seems that Super Mario has turned into 21st Century's 'The Catcher In The Rye', a work blamed for the Reagan Assassination attempt, John Lennon's murder, and is the most banned book in the U.S.

In high school, we had to get signed permission slips from our parents in order to read 'The Catcher In The Rye'.

What fate will befall Super Mario?

An adult rating? Government oversight?

Let's hope we at least get a ban on Super Mario movies.

That's the most humane thing to do for our vulnerable youth.

I'm Spider-Man, B*tch!

For the past three weeks, Hollywood lost they mind:

Take a moment to appreciate the specialness of this Monday morning, where Shia LaBeouf is currently the biggest movie star in America.

He's one of the fastest-rising stars in Hollywood, and if you needed any more proof that Shia LaBeouf's time is now, look no further than his top-five box-office openings.

LaBeouf's movie 'Disturbia' grossed $52.1 million in 17 days. It was also announced that he'll star in the next Indiana Jones.

Hollywood went crazy for their new star.

Shia LaBeouf, destroyer of Bruce Willis.
Shia LaBeouf, conqueror of Quentin Tarantino.
Shia LaBeouf, buggerer of Will Ferrell.

Then, along came a spider.

Spider-Man 3 made more in one day than alleged Box Office honcho Shia LeBouf made in 3 weeks. Like Chris Rock said, there are a lot of great actors, but few real stars.

Shia LaBeouf, star?

Spider-Man is a star. Too busy thinking about the ladies to care about Shia LaBeouf.

You could see this coming a mile away. Youngins playing with the Big Boys. It's like folks wondering if USC could beat the Raiders when they couldn't even beat Vince Young.

It's like they wanted to set Shia up for failure. He had a #1 movie against weak competition. Kudos for him. But he went up against a true beast...and got whupped.

Let's hope he doesn't try something drastic, like trying to get buzz by getting bitten by a spider. Some kid in Oregon had two spiders nesting in his ear, and all he got was rice crispies sounds and an article...with no photo.

Since Sony Pictures has announced at least another three Spider-Man flicks, maybe Shia will be able to do some damage when Spider-Man 6 rolls around?


Perhaps if Tobey Maguire stays true to his word and Spider-Man 3 is last appearance, Shia has a chance.

He could play Spider-Man. Then he'd have his revenge...

Paris Hilton's Master Prison Plan

Feel sorry or smug that Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail?

Don't be.

It's all a part of an intricate plan to put her back on the media map.

Let's look at the facts:

Paris violated at least three terms of her probation.

And what did she do to violate the terms?

She decided not to enroll in an alcohol education course. She chose to drive a brand new Bentley at 70 MPH in a 35 MPH zone WITHOUT HEADLIGHTS and valid drivers license. To top things off, Paris was late for court.

You'd think this was a product of blondness, but I say thee NAY!

It was a calculated attempt.

Think about it.

Paris Hilton failed as an actress.
Paris Hilton failed as a singer.

What did she have success with?

Reality Television and Porn.

That's why Desissified theorizes three reasons for her jail time:

First reason: A Career As A Gangsta Rapper.

As a singer, she had the best producers money could buy. But she had no credibility. With a stint in jail, she'll be keeping it real by rapping. You laugh, but have you spent time in the slammer for spitting in the face of authority?

What? You haven't?

Paris Hilton has.

And as far as street cred?

Paris Hilton > You

Second reason: Reviving Her Reality Television Career.

'The Simple Life' was a ratings sensation. Now it's on E. With a prison bid, she can do a reality series prepping for prison. Then she can do a show in jail, with a follow up showing her adjustment to the pampered life afterwards. You think Paris on a farm was funny? Imagine her combing her blonde tresses in a mirror made of polished metal after a steady diet of chicken!

Paris Hilton in prison = Ratings GOLD

Third reason: Reviving Her Film Career.

Paris can star in a 21st Century version of 'Black Mama, White Mama' with Lil' Kim: Shower scenes, cat fights, bondage: Exploitation at its finest. And if she can't get a studio to back her, she'll do a scaled down porn version.

Paris Hilton, by hook or by crook, will bastardize her prison time.

And you will watch it.

So, don't cry for Paris Hilton.

Cry for Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros.


They were busted for drunk driving. Michelle Rodriguez violated her probation with the arrest. And what did they get in return? They were kicked off 'LOST'.

They could've come up with a plan to exploit the controversy...if they were as smart and calculating as Paris Hilton.


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What do you think is Paris Hilton's plan? Will it work? Any other prison remakes you think she'll do? And how would you cast it?

The Hoff Needs KITT, Now More Than Ever

Just when you thought we'd see the end of Celebrity Dad Horror stories, David Hasselhoff, AKA "The Hoff", got his shirtless, cheeseburger-eating, drunk-ass caught on video by his daughter. She warns him that if he gets liquored up, he'll get busted by his doctor and won't be able to play cross dressing stage director Roger DeBris in the 'Producers'.

Again, I ask you, is Alec Baldwin really THAT bad?

KITT would have never allowed this kind of behavior. If you don't remember, in Knight Rider, the Hoff was kept in check by KITT, his talking car. KITT could simulate sounds like a police raid to fool criminals or a wild animal's growl, to scare away animals intending to pee on his tires. KITT could also speak fluently in French, Spanish, and other English dialects, like a New Yawk accent.

If KITT were around today, he could have taken on the role of a drug counselor, career coach, or therapist, thereby saving the Hoff and his family from shame.

But, the Hoff, in his infinite wisdom was more interested in recording a rap record with Ice T, than keeping his trusty friend and adviser.

And that's a damn shame.

As for the underlying controversy, things have definitely changed since I was a kid.

When I was in 5th grade, a classmate caught her parents "in the act".

In 6th grade, my best friend's mother wrote a cartoon character on his leg, after she spent a drunken night out on the town.

In both cases, kids didn't know whether to believe it or not.

Most thought they were full of it.

Now we have digital cameras and YouTube.

Parents, you have been warned.
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Think that's all? Banality Fair reports that Washington Wizard Gilbert Arenas wanted to show that the NBA has bad daddy skillz too. What a way to count down to Father's Day!

Obama's Nemesis REVEALED

It had to happen.

Every major do-gooder has a nemisis.

Shazam has Black Adam.

Grey's Anatomy has Isaiah Washington.

Now we've learned that Barack Obama has Cousin Pookie.

No one knows what Pookie looks like. My assumption is he must be modeled after Pookie from New Jack City.

The question on a lot of people's minds is, 'why does it have to be a brotha?' And if he has to be a brotha, why not make him a "magic negro" like J.C. from the Green Mile?


David Ehrenstein believes it's because Obama is the magic negro himself, but I don't believe it. If a "magic negro" exists, it's Will Smith, because only magic can make a piece of crap like 'Getting Jiggy With It' a #1 song and a dud like 'I, Robot' a hit movie.

But I digress...

Having an "evil Negro" was successfully employed by George Bush in the 1988 election and Bill Clinton coined the phrase Sister Souljah moment by using a black rapper as his nemesis.

Even Santa Claus has an evil Negro (Zwarte 'Black' Piet) to further his political agenda.


At times like these, if you can't trust Santa, who can you trust?

We need a true hero.

An icon above all icons.

Superman.

Surely he is immune to having an evil negro. He had Lex Luthor. Bald whiteboy. Why can't Obama be like Superman?


Wait a minute. Who's that guy underneath Lex Luthor?

That's right.

It's Bizarro, Supeman's exact opposite, who was backwards and did everything wrong.


Bizarro spoke in ebonics...


Bizarro, like Undercover Brother, had a weakness for "Black Man's Kryptonite" AKA the "White She-Devil"...


Bizarro isn't really white after all.

He's just lightskinded.

I guess Obama is more like Superman than I thought...

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So, now that Obama has his Cousin Pookie, what are the other candidates going to do? Is everyone going to pick an "evil negro" or will other ethnicities be empoyed? Who are your top candidates for Hilary, Rudy, McCain or Edwards nemesis?

Richard Gere: Sexual Trailblazer

When you hear the words "sexual trailblazer", who do you think of?

Al Kinsey?

Nerd.

Sigmund Freud? Punk ass.

Elvis?Poseur.

Madonna?
Oh, Hell to the No!

THE Sexual Trailblazer?

Richard Tiffany Gere.

The recent Indian furor with Shilpa Shetty may seem out of character for a humble Buddhist, but behind that facade lies a man who has taken sexual issues and shoved it in the face of prudishness.

In Looking for Mr. Goodbar, he played a jealous and possessive playa-playa.
In American Gigolo, he was the first major Hollywood actor to engage in full frontal nudity.
Pretty Woman brought prostitution to the mainstream...in a Disney movie!

Elvis and Madonna may have had envelope pushing controversies in the past, but what did they do last week?

Elvis came back from the dead to sing with Celine Dion.
Madonna visited Malawi.

Richard Gere, on the other hand, was chilling on The Daily Show cracking jokes while he's facing arrest in India.

Richard Gere may be wanted in India for "transgressing all limits of vulgarity", but he's not afraid. He's been here before. And if he can face the wrath of Rambo and the scorn of society through a vicious gerbil rumor, he can weather this storm.

Best believe that.

Imus Be Mistaken

Don Imus did the impossible.

He made Condi Rice get in touch with her roots and it didn't take shame from going on a shopping spree:

"I just thought that it was an attack on women's sports, first of all, and secondly an attack on very accomplished young black women in a way that was really offensive"

The message is simple: Say what you will about the war, the president or unemployment, but don't be callin' nobody no nappy headed hos!
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Of all the things to talk about, why do you think Condi choose Imus? When can we expect to hear from her next? Holla back!

Power of the Perm

Is it just me or have you noticed that the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team members all got fresh perms after Imus' Nappy Headed Hos comment?



Newsday had a piece on the significance of the term, so did CNN, but they say nothing about the connection between their perms and Al Sharpton's touch up.



After all, he was the first one to defend them AFTER they got the perms. Would the brotha have helped them out if they remained true to their (for lack of a better term) roots?

Sharpton claimed to cop the 'do when he worked with James Brown (R.I.P.)


Every day, Sharpton delivers on a promise he made to Brown a couple of decades ago when he asked the civil rights activist "to straighten your hair like mine so when people see you they think you're my son."Brown often called Sharpton, urging: "I want you to keep it that way until I die." Sharpton said he will never give up the look. "That's my bond with James Brown." This is perm love!

However, Sharpton was nowhere to be found when James' hair went through a rough spell:



That, my friends is a damn shame, and a goddamn nappy mess!

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What do you think is the special significance and POWER of the perm? Speak on this...