Celebrity Clone War

There's a woman who looks just like Angelina Jolie. Except she doesn't have the phat crib, ginormous bank account or hot hubby. As much as it sucks to be her, imagine how sweet her boyfriend has it!



You can also find it here.

And then there is the Paris Hilton clone.



You can find the clone here.

Although Paris is abandoning stupidity, will her clone? And if America hankers for their old stupid Paris, will it pick the clone instead of Paris Hilton?

This all seems like Jennifer Lopez in South Park. She of the 'Taco Flavored Kisses'. The music execs preferred a singing hand named Jennifer Lopez, who was younger and spicier than the original J. Lo. Even Ben Affleck preferred the hand over J.Lo.



Will history repeat itself?

Who Was Really Behind The Harry Potter Spoilers?

Some dude claims that he hacked a digital copy of author J.K. Rowling's seventh and final book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. He posts the spoilers here.

The reason?

"By following the precious words of the great Pope Benedict XVI when he still was Cardinal Josepth Ratzinger. He explained why Harry Potter bring the youngs of our earth to Neo Paganism faith. So we make this spoiler to make reading of the upcoming book useless and boring."

I remember the good old days. People who wanted to protest would picket movie theaters or simply burn books. Nobody got hurt and, hey, it made for a good show. But now, the protest has gone online...

And it's scary. Scary boring.

I don't think it's the Pope who is behind this...it's Universal Pictures.

Why?

What better way to guarantee the #1 box office slot for Evan Almighty than making Christians feel guilty about watching non-Christian entertainment like early Oscar contender Fantastic Four:Rise of the Silver Surfer or a masterpiece like John Cusak's 1408, which coincidentally opens the same day as Bruce Almighty and features the supernatural?

Defamer cites a LA Times story revealing the efforts of the studio to court Christians for the movie.

There is one person who can stop this madness...


Paris Hilton, I call on you and your new found faith to come forth from prison and strike down these abominations! It's your calling! Didn't I tell you she had a purpose? Read here if you plumb forgot.

Simple Life Behind Bars?

According to US Magazine, Nicole Richie has been ordered to stand trial on July 11th due to her December DUI. She faces a year in the slammer.

Didn't I tell you a while back that Paris wanted to remake Black Mama, White Mama? With Nicole in jail, they could update it for the multiracial 21st century set:

White Mama, Frappuccino Mama.

The Starbucks product placement ALONE would be worth millions.

With Lindsay Lohan looking like Gollum these days, maybe the three of them could do a femme Lord of the Rings?

Paris Hilton's Hit List

Paris Hilton is free...and heads are gonna roll!

Yes, she's under house arrest, but house arrest didn't stop Pablo Escobar from running thangs!

Prison was like the Wizard of Oz for Paris Hilton. In the pampered world to which she was accustomed, being rich, slutty, and blond was enough. Faced with the cold, harsh reality of prison, she had to dig deep within herself. She found out that she always had a brain, courage, and heart. With Tinkerbell as her Toto, she will inflict pain and suffering on her foes...

WITH A VENGEANCE!

Don't believe me?

She entered jail Sunday night, and got out Thursday morning.

She didn't eat her hot dog for her Tuesday night meal because she knew real food was waiting a few days later.

Paris did get a visit from her shrink while in the can. Twice.

Remember The Sopranos last week? Criminal masterminds use shrink as practice.

Is this all coming together for you?

Well, if Paris has vengeance on her mind, she probably has a hit list like The Bride from Kill Bill.

She got out of jail twenty days early because she couldn't wait to whup on that ass.

Who's ass, you might ask?:

5. Warner Brothers. They dropped Paris from their record label. Paris will start a torrid file sharing campaign...and supply legal support for the upcoming RIAA lawsuits.

4. Motley Crue. The 'Jail Paris' petition drive will end up with Tommy Lee's dong cut off, battered, fried, and put on a stick like a Nathan's Corn Dog.

3. Madame Tussauds. Wax will burn for the effigy besmirching her sense of fashion.

2. TMZ. Paris coverage 24/7? They'll be working 24/7...after she buys them out, sends them overseas, and turns them into a sneaker sweatshop to destroy Fila Korea for suspending her ad campaign.

1. Sarah Silverman. Silverman capped on Paris during the MTV Movie Awards. Paris was overheard saying she hates Silverman. Paris has millions. Sarah has Jimmy Kimmel. Nuff said.

Who is safe? Niki Hilton, who supported her sister and George Clooney, who has pity for all of the unfair media attention she gets. Clooney, save your pity. After Paris Hilton is through, these guys will need all the pity you can muster!

Hell hath no fury like a Hilton scorned.

NY Takes On Paris Hilton

Who said New Yorkers don't have caring hearts?

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in New York is all about authenticity. In wake of Paris Hiton's imprisonment, it has painted prison stripes on her wax statute. Find more pix here.

Not to be outdone, the NY Daily News notes that we will see a hirsute Paris when she comes out, since where beauty products, including tweezers, brushes, wax, hair spray, dye, and wigs are banned:

"She'll find she'll get pretty hairy," said Hollywood madam Jody (Babydol) Gibson, who served eight weeks in another L.A. County women's jail in 2000.

I strongly disagree. I mean, it's jail and she's rich. She can get anything she wants smuggled in there. Hello, it's a prison?!? Anyone who has watched "OZ", "Prison Break", or "The Sopranos" knows this, so why is the media turning a blind eye to it?

The Wall Street Journal Law Blog offers its help to Paris by quoting New York Divorce attorney Raoul Felder, who suggests that Paris avoid incidents with fellow inmates by keeping to herself, avoid flaunting her wealth (as it would attract dishonest inmates), and start knitting or sewing for her dog Tinkerbell and "create the next doggie-accessory craze."

Lastly, the NY Post encourages readers to download a postcard on their website with Paris' prison address pre-affixed. All you need is a stamp, folks.

Moments like these make me fall in love with New York all over again....

Paris Hilton: Eating For Your Benefit

People reports that at last night's MTV Movie Awards, Paris Hilton made a beeline for the buffet table, not pausing to greet fellow guests before sampling everything from mini egg salad sandwiches to caprese salad on toast and carrots.

Paris Hilton should have nothing to feel guilty about. Since Public Service Announcements are all the rage for celebrities nowadays, Paris can turn her public feasting into a positive.

Paris can have a Public Service Announcement of the TOFI variety, to warn about the absolute devastation breaking the law can have on one's perfectly starved figure:

Imagine Paris strutting down a paparazzi lined red carpet...to a buffet table filled with various fatty food items. She gorges herself while the paparazzi takes loads of shots. Fellow celebrities fail to contain their unmitigated horror: "For the love of all that's thin and holy, someone stop her!". But their cries are drowned out by Paris Hilton's frenzied feasting. After devouring everything in sight, including her pet poodle, she wails: "I USED TA BE SOMEBODY!"

And she'd have the mugshots to prove it:

Sexologist Quells Teletubby Attack

UPDATE: Tinky Winky is free to be himself in Poland!

Decades of Anti-Polish sentiment can now come to an end.

The Polish Government is backing away from its previous paranoid, homophobic attack on the Teletubbies. The reversal, according to Variety, is a result of a consultation with a sexologist.

And you thought sexology was a pointless pseudo science, filled with people talking about dongs all day long. Shame on you!

With the closing of this debacle and news that Paris Hilton is reading Zen Buddhist book "The Power of Now", the hunt for Jerry Falwell's replacement seems to be at a standstill.

Paris Hilton: The Next Jerry Falwell?

Through the magic of photojournalism, TMZ reveals what many have hoped for and others have feared: Paris Hilton has found religion.

Do you know what this means?

With Jerry Falwell's death, there's a void.

And Paris will fill it.

She was raised Catholic, but so was Martin Luther. And look what he did.

In fact, any deceased spiritual leader would trade places with Paris Hilton. In a heartbeat.

Don't believe me? Pick a dead spiritual leader and we'll conduct a seance right now and ask him/her/it "Would you switch places with Paris Hilton?".

But you won't conduct a seance, because you know that everyone wants to be like Paris. Lazy eye and all.

She didn't wait for incarceration to begin her work, she's studying now. She thought she'd have 45 days, but is only going to get 23. But don't worry, Paris will make due.

What are her religious plans?
Which denomination will she follow?
What does she have in store for us?

Who knows!

Just keep her away from Bert.

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What do you think is Paris Hilton's plan? Do you think she even read the Bible?

Paris Hilton's Master Prison Plan

Feel sorry or smug that Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail?

Don't be.

It's all a part of an intricate plan to put her back on the media map.

Let's look at the facts:

Paris violated at least three terms of her probation.

And what did she do to violate the terms?

She decided not to enroll in an alcohol education course. She chose to drive a brand new Bentley at 70 MPH in a 35 MPH zone WITHOUT HEADLIGHTS and valid drivers license. To top things off, Paris was late for court.

You'd think this was a product of blondness, but I say thee NAY!

It was a calculated attempt.

Think about it.

Paris Hilton failed as an actress.
Paris Hilton failed as a singer.

What did she have success with?

Reality Television and Porn.

That's why Desissified theorizes three reasons for her jail time:

First reason: A Career As A Gangsta Rapper.

As a singer, she had the best producers money could buy. But she had no credibility. With a stint in jail, she'll be keeping it real by rapping. You laugh, but have you spent time in the slammer for spitting in the face of authority?

What? You haven't?

Paris Hilton has.

And as far as street cred?

Paris Hilton > You

Second reason: Reviving Her Reality Television Career.

'The Simple Life' was a ratings sensation. Now it's on E. With a prison bid, she can do a reality series prepping for prison. Then she can do a show in jail, with a follow up showing her adjustment to the pampered life afterwards. You think Paris on a farm was funny? Imagine her combing her blonde tresses in a mirror made of polished metal after a steady diet of chicken!

Paris Hilton in prison = Ratings GOLD

Third reason: Reviving Her Film Career.

Paris can star in a 21st Century version of 'Black Mama, White Mama' with Lil' Kim: Shower scenes, cat fights, bondage: Exploitation at its finest. And if she can't get a studio to back her, she'll do a scaled down porn version.

Paris Hilton, by hook or by crook, will bastardize her prison time.

And you will watch it.

So, don't cry for Paris Hilton.

Cry for Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros.


They were busted for drunk driving. Michelle Rodriguez violated her probation with the arrest. And what did they get in return? They were kicked off 'LOST'.

They could've come up with a plan to exploit the controversy...if they were as smart and calculating as Paris Hilton.


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What do you think is Paris Hilton's plan? Will it work? Any other prison remakes you think she'll do? And how would you cast it?