Bobby on Osama, Gays, and Comedy

Some people run with the bulls.
Others wrestle alligators.
ITV's Jamie Campbell chose to risk his life by spending 24 Hours With...Bobby Brown (check the video).

A casual observer would be outraged, but the casual observer didn't have his show canceled, lose parental custody, or Osama Bin Laden on they ass:

"He wanted to have me killed because he was in love with Whitney. He wanted to marry Whitney and make her one of his wives. That's some s**t. I'm still on my guard. The most wanted man in the world wants (me) dead."

Yes, Osama Bin Laden wants Bobby Brown dead.

Since Bobby has increased his security in response, who knows how Osama will try to "touch" him.

Will he deploy Bert? Farfur? Cat Stevens?

Let's hope he hasn't reached New Edition.

Bobby may be able to handle his own against one of them, but against all five?

He doesn't stand a chance.

It would be a N.E. Heartbreak quite different than the one alluded to in the New Edition song:

N.E. heartbreak is coming to your town
Beware of N.E. heartbreak
Spreading fast and there's no cure
No need to run from heartache
It's gonna get you, get you for sure

Watch out during that reunion tour, Bobby!
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Which New Edition member do you think Osama will deploy against Bobby Brown?

Beckham, Olsen, Richie: Hidden Fatties?

Victoria Beckham, The Olsen Twins, and Nicole Richie may look thin to you, but they might be fat messes.

Internally, that is.

According to a London study, a large number of thin people that diet are TOFI's (Thin Outside, Fat Inside) and have major deposits of internal fat, even if they appear slim.

The report asserts that a sumo wrestler is more likely to be internally thin than your favorite skelebrity, because a sumo's fat is stored under the skin, not streaking through vital organs and muscles.

That's right.

A sumo wrestler is thinner than Nicole Richie was when she was gorging on junk.


One wonders how many other skelebrities are really porkers...on the inside.

This should be good news for Cameron Diaz, who wants to be treated like a 300 pounder, instead of being persecuted for being thin:

"If a woman who's a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average."

Maybe Cameron is 300 pounds inside, but just doesn't know it.

Who do we blame? According to a recent study, fathers are responsible for obesity in children.

So Bobby Brown was correct on his show 'Being Bobby Brown', when he said Bobbi Kristina was big because of him.


Poor Bobbi Kristina.

More shocking? A new poll shows that parents are more concerned that their kids are fat than whether their kids get knocked up, shot/beat up at school, or stalked by on-line pedophiles.

Maybe that's why Alec Baldwin screamed at his daughter for being a pig. He, like the parents polled, cares more about weight than abuse and neglect.

What the hell is he and the other parents going to do when they find out that they're kids might be TOFI?

Let the madness begin!
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Who do you think is TOFI? How about Hollywood 'fatties' who are FOTI?

First Cat Stevens, Then Bert, Now Mickey?

Militancy. The new Black.

First, mild mannered Cat Stevens, writer of songs like 'Moonshadow' and "Peace Train' became Yusuf Islam and called for Salman Rushdie's head:


Then, peaceful curmudgeon Bert dropped Ernie to hang with Osama and become poster child against the West:

Now Mickey gets militant and hosts a Hamas kiddie show:

The show is broadcast throughout the Gaza Strip on Hamas' Al-Aqsa TV station, telling children to strive for "world leadership under Islamic leadership." They sing songs with lyrics like "We will destroy the chair of the despots, so they will taste the flame of death."

Captain America gets killed and now the world has gone to hell.


Was it worth it, Marvel Comics?

Now is the time for Obama to put aside his differences and protect his Cousin Pookie from becoming yet another victim of militancy's hard, yet alluring embrace.

Paris Hilton's Master Prison Plan

Feel sorry or smug that Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail?

Don't be.

It's all a part of an intricate plan to put her back on the media map.

Let's look at the facts:

Paris violated at least three terms of her probation.

And what did she do to violate the terms?

She decided not to enroll in an alcohol education course. She chose to drive a brand new Bentley at 70 MPH in a 35 MPH zone WITHOUT HEADLIGHTS and valid drivers license. To top things off, Paris was late for court.

You'd think this was a product of blondness, but I say thee NAY!

It was a calculated attempt.

Think about it.

Paris Hilton failed as an actress.
Paris Hilton failed as a singer.

What did she have success with?

Reality Television and Porn.

That's why Desissified theorizes three reasons for her jail time:

First reason: A Career As A Gangsta Rapper.

As a singer, she had the best producers money could buy. But she had no credibility. With a stint in jail, she'll be keeping it real by rapping. You laugh, but have you spent time in the slammer for spitting in the face of authority?

What? You haven't?

Paris Hilton has.

And as far as street cred?

Paris Hilton > You

Second reason: Reviving Her Reality Television Career.

'The Simple Life' was a ratings sensation. Now it's on E. With a prison bid, she can do a reality series prepping for prison. Then she can do a show in jail, with a follow up showing her adjustment to the pampered life afterwards. You think Paris on a farm was funny? Imagine her combing her blonde tresses in a mirror made of polished metal after a steady diet of chicken!

Paris Hilton in prison = Ratings GOLD

Third reason: Reviving Her Film Career.

Paris can star in a 21st Century version of 'Black Mama, White Mama' with Lil' Kim: Shower scenes, cat fights, bondage: Exploitation at its finest. And if she can't get a studio to back her, she'll do a scaled down porn version.

Paris Hilton, by hook or by crook, will bastardize her prison time.

And you will watch it.

So, don't cry for Paris Hilton.

Cry for Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros.


They were busted for drunk driving. Michelle Rodriguez violated her probation with the arrest. And what did they get in return? They were kicked off 'LOST'.

They could've come up with a plan to exploit the controversy...if they were as smart and calculating as Paris Hilton.


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What do you think is Paris Hilton's plan? Will it work? Any other prison remakes you think she'll do? And how would you cast it?

The Hoff Needs KITT, Now More Than Ever

Just when you thought we'd see the end of Celebrity Dad Horror stories, David Hasselhoff, AKA "The Hoff", got his shirtless, cheeseburger-eating, drunk-ass caught on video by his daughter. She warns him that if he gets liquored up, he'll get busted by his doctor and won't be able to play cross dressing stage director Roger DeBris in the 'Producers'.

Again, I ask you, is Alec Baldwin really THAT bad?

KITT would have never allowed this kind of behavior. If you don't remember, in Knight Rider, the Hoff was kept in check by KITT, his talking car. KITT could simulate sounds like a police raid to fool criminals or a wild animal's growl, to scare away animals intending to pee on his tires. KITT could also speak fluently in French, Spanish, and other English dialects, like a New Yawk accent.

If KITT were around today, he could have taken on the role of a drug counselor, career coach, or therapist, thereby saving the Hoff and his family from shame.

But, the Hoff, in his infinite wisdom was more interested in recording a rap record with Ice T, than keeping his trusty friend and adviser.

And that's a damn shame.

As for the underlying controversy, things have definitely changed since I was a kid.

When I was in 5th grade, a classmate caught her parents "in the act".

In 6th grade, my best friend's mother wrote a cartoon character on his leg, after she spent a drunken night out on the town.

In both cases, kids didn't know whether to believe it or not.

Most thought they were full of it.

Now we have digital cameras and YouTube.

Parents, you have been warned.
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Think that's all? Banality Fair reports that Washington Wizard Gilbert Arenas wanted to show that the NBA has bad daddy skillz too. What a way to count down to Father's Day!

Spector, Cho and R. Kelly

Stop whatever you are doing right now and read Radar Magazine's Fifty Years of Phil Spector: A History of Violence.

Defamer liked the life-sized inflatable dummy replica of himself in the passenger seat of his wife's car to prevent other men from picking up on her, but the thing that stood out to me was Phil Spector being urinated on by four men who apparently didn't like his performance with the Teddy Bears band.

We always hear about the urinators, like R. Kelly and Chuck Berry, but never from the urinatees like Phil Spector.

Instead of blaming movies for Seung-Hui Cho's behavior, maybe we should look into whether anyone peed on him. Or maybe he was an extra for the Dave Chappelle skit.

You might laugh, but Phil sure loved whipping out guns whenever he had issues, whether it's recording music with John Lennon, forcing himself on women, performing with the Ramones or drinking kosher red wine.

Let's hope Sanjaya doesn't love John Lennon's "Imagine" (which Spector produced) so much he wants to record little symphonies for kids with him. Otherwise we'd have to start a Sanjaya Peed Watch.

Also, Radar listed another entry to the Notorious Celebrity Parent Behavior list:

Gary tells of being blindfolded and sexually molested by his father as a "learning experience," while Donte reports that, at the tender age of nine, he was blindfolded, handcuffed, and forced to simulate intercourse with his father's girlfriend.

Again, I ask you, is Alec Baldwin really that bad?


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What do you think about the Kelly-Cho-Spector connection? Should R. Kelly increase his security? Do you feel differently about Alec Baldwin? And how about poor Sanjaya?!?

Cutting Alec Baldwin Some Slack

Last week, I got all preachy about Alec Baldwin calling his daughter a "thoughtless little pig". After reading Kiros' comment, I took a long, soulful look back to my youth.

At 11 or 12, whatever the age is, as Mr. Baldwin put it, you do some pretty thick headed things. I sure as hell did when I was that age and got called names much worse than "thoughtless little pig" in addition to getting whipped.

Before you get all ridiculous, realize that although Alec Baldwin lost his cool, he isn't that bad when you put things in context.

How bad, you ask?

Here's a list of Celebrity Parental Behavior more notorious than Alec Baldwin's:

Scary Spice naming her kid after Eddie Murphy...if the vasectomy rumor is true/Eddie Murphy...if the baby is his. See Dr. J.

Michael Jackson's parenting skills. Start saving for the therapy now.

Gary Coleman's parents pimped him out and took his money.

Joan Crawford beat her kid with wire hangers.

Joe Simpson's ranting about Jessica Simpson's Double D's and other...behavior around his daughters.

Britney Spears' car seat fiasco and pantyless antics. However, Britney didn't learn her bad parenting through Paris Hilton. She was influenced by the original 'clubbing while kids are home' kingpin.

Doctor Doom adopted a kid named Kristoff, who suggested that he team up with another supervillan. Doom's response? Choking the hell out of Kristoff! We're not going to comment on the crazy things Kristoff must've seen around Daddy Doom...

Darth Vader chopped off the hand of his son, Luke Skywalker.

Aerosmith's Steven Tyler getting "custody":

The 27 year front mans eye was caught by a 14 year old girl named Diana Hall. The pair fell in love and Tyler moved her into her Boston apartment so that they could be together- but only after Halls parents signed her over to Tyler as her guardian.

And the worst?

In the American Idol prelim round, Momjaya brazenly stating on national television that her daughter is better than Sanjaya. Clearly he is superior performer.

He is, after all, Sanjaya.

So what possibly did she mean? That he doesn't smoke enough weed? Another note for the weed watch:

See? Alec isn't that bad after all, is he?

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Were we too harsh on Alec Baldwin? What bad celebrity parenting did we miss?

In Defense of Little Pigs

After Alec Baldwin went off on his daughter and called her a "thoughtless little pig", a lot of people didn't realize how insulting the remark was not just to his daughter, but pigs as well.

Pigs are one of the smartest animals on the planet. And, according to the PBS Nature program "The Joy of Pigs" they're actually more complex than most people think:

"To pig farmers, the animal is a commodity. To truffle harvesters, pigs are reliable hunters whose keen sense of smell locates these pricey fungi. To scientists, pigs are unique as one of the only large mammals that exists, in one form or another, in every part of the world. "

It is the Year of the Golden Pig and Chinese Astrologists believe that's a good thing:

It is said that children born under this sign will live in comfort as wealth and luck are always near. The Fire Pig is known to have traits of wealth, prosperity, luck and fertility

As a result, there is a baby boom in China. People are flocking to have little pigs of their own, unlike Alec Baldwin, who is unhappy with his.

In addition, the Year of the Golden Pig, which comes once every sixty years, should yield financial prosperity and marital bliss.

It's not just the Chinese who like pigs. Pigs have been celebrated in our culture, from Charlotte's Web to Piglet to Babe.

However, some pigs have a dark side to them:

"They're as curious as they are clever, and can be destructive as they explore", says Brenda Coe, adjunct assistant professor of animal science. "And they need a lot of space. Market hogs are sold at around 250 pounds for slaughter, but can reach 600 to 700 pounds. Though many people are happy owners of potbelly pigs, she adds, these much-smaller animals can sometimes be aggressive."

One wonders what an analysis of Alec Baldwin would yield.


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What is your assessment of Alec Baldwin vs the noble pig?

Beards

A topic that has fascinated many involves women who turn out to be beards. Much has been written about the difficulty of being "out" in our repressed culture, but so little has been said about the female follicles.

Many beards go unshaven. There is little transition from a full beard to a goatee, so it's a troublesome topic to pin down. So many people assume that just because a guy is hot, he must be gay. The most popular target is Tom Cruise.


Another guy who gets the rumor is John Travolta.


However, one doesn't have to be hot in order to run victim to allegations of marrying a woman in order to disguise one's homosexuality. The most public victim of rumor and innuendo is David Gest, a man who is anything but hot.


These men, hot or not, are just subjects of speculation.

One man who isn't: former NJ Governor Jim McGreevey. Although he came out, many wondered whether his wife, Dina Matos McGreevey, knew or not.

Now we have an answer.

According to a NY Post Exclusive, knew that her husband was gay before they got married:

"As far as I know, she never really confronted anyone about it, she just kinda let it slide," one source said.

In her book "Silent Partner", Dina Matos McGreevey notes that after her husband officially came out, he told her "You have to be Jackie Kennedy today," and if she stayed at the governor's mansion until the last minute it would make her "look like white trash.

In wake of all this McGreevey news, there is one man who might be feeling the heat more than anyone else in America:

They Really Hate P.D.A.s!

Richard Gere, on a crusade to promote safe-sex in India, offended Hindu nationalists by kissing actress Shilpa Shetty numerous times IN PUBLIC on the hand and ON EACH CHEEK (on her face, you pervs). They responded by beating burning effigies of Gere with sticks and setting fire to glamorous shots of Shetty.

I'm not sure if the rage because Gere's middle name is "Tiffany", he engaged in a condom call and response, or they're still bitter because he divorced Cindy Crawford.

The rage could be from Shetty flirting with "Face" from the A-Team or punking out on "Celebrity Big Brother". They might have just been demonstrating what she should have done to the racists who harassed her on the show.

If they are pissed about a famous Bollywood actress being defiled in such a public display, imagine what they'd do if they knew about the gerbil incident!

Check out the video.
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What do you think about the incident? How close have you come to beating a burning effigy and why?