Lindsay Lohan Is Turning Into Gollum

Lindsay Lohan, originator of the pantyless car exit, crashed her Mercedes in to a tree after a night of hard partying early Saturday morning and fled the scene. She was booked Saturday night on suspicion of driving under the influence (D.U.I.) Saturday night. What do investigators think she was influenced by? Cocaine found in her vehicle.

Contrary to popular speculation, her crazed behavior has nothing to do with Paris envy, bad parenting, or cocaine abuse. Lindsay Lohan is suffering from something far greater.

Take a look at her expression:
Does it look familiar? It should...
Lindsay Lohan's ridiculous behavior can be attributed to the fact that she's fiending for the Oscar, much like Gollum was fiending for the One Ring in Lord of the Rings.

And that fiending threatens her body, mind, and soul.

An article recently observed that you get "to be an Oscar-nominated actor" with "a little torture to the soul. It evidently worked for Joaquin Phoenix."

After a studio head went public with his frustration over Lindsay Lohan's partying ways during the filming of Georgia Rule, she probably freaked out when a reviewer compared it to Gigli, which effectively ended Ben Affleck's career and J.Lo hasn't fully recovered from:

Primarily, though, it's because Lohan's well-documented off-camera antics are such a distraction, as Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck's were, it's impossible to become engrossed in the film.

Lohan, confused by the negative press, probably took the assessment of Phoenix's Oscar fuel to heart: "Joaquin has great internal conflict on screen. He radiates torture, which is great, because what you want from actors is danger".

And who is stopping her?

Her Daddy Dearest wants her and her mother in rehab. Unless they can treat Oscar Fever, it would be pointless. She was already in rehab and it didn't work.

If someone helped Smeagol, he would have never turned into Gollum.

Someone needs to help Lindsay before she completes her turn.

Beckham, Olsen, Richie: Hidden Fatties?

Victoria Beckham, The Olsen Twins, and Nicole Richie may look thin to you, but they might be fat messes.

Internally, that is.

According to a London study, a large number of thin people that diet are TOFI's (Thin Outside, Fat Inside) and have major deposits of internal fat, even if they appear slim.

The report asserts that a sumo wrestler is more likely to be internally thin than your favorite skelebrity, because a sumo's fat is stored under the skin, not streaking through vital organs and muscles.

That's right.

A sumo wrestler is thinner than Nicole Richie was when she was gorging on junk.


One wonders how many other skelebrities are really porkers...on the inside.

This should be good news for Cameron Diaz, who wants to be treated like a 300 pounder, instead of being persecuted for being thin:

"If a woman who's a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average."

Maybe Cameron is 300 pounds inside, but just doesn't know it.

Who do we blame? According to a recent study, fathers are responsible for obesity in children.

So Bobby Brown was correct on his show 'Being Bobby Brown', when he said Bobbi Kristina was big because of him.


Poor Bobbi Kristina.

More shocking? A new poll shows that parents are more concerned that their kids are fat than whether their kids get knocked up, shot/beat up at school, or stalked by on-line pedophiles.

Maybe that's why Alec Baldwin screamed at his daughter for being a pig. He, like the parents polled, cares more about weight than abuse and neglect.

What the hell is he and the other parents going to do when they find out that they're kids might be TOFI?

Let the madness begin!
-------
Who do you think is TOFI? How about Hollywood 'fatties' who are FOTI?

The Hoff Needs KITT, Now More Than Ever

Just when you thought we'd see the end of Celebrity Dad Horror stories, David Hasselhoff, AKA "The Hoff", got his shirtless, cheeseburger-eating, drunk-ass caught on video by his daughter. She warns him that if he gets liquored up, he'll get busted by his doctor and won't be able to play cross dressing stage director Roger DeBris in the 'Producers'.

Again, I ask you, is Alec Baldwin really THAT bad?

KITT would have never allowed this kind of behavior. If you don't remember, in Knight Rider, the Hoff was kept in check by KITT, his talking car. KITT could simulate sounds like a police raid to fool criminals or a wild animal's growl, to scare away animals intending to pee on his tires. KITT could also speak fluently in French, Spanish, and other English dialects, like a New Yawk accent.

If KITT were around today, he could have taken on the role of a drug counselor, career coach, or therapist, thereby saving the Hoff and his family from shame.

But, the Hoff, in his infinite wisdom was more interested in recording a rap record with Ice T, than keeping his trusty friend and adviser.

And that's a damn shame.

As for the underlying controversy, things have definitely changed since I was a kid.

When I was in 5th grade, a classmate caught her parents "in the act".

In 6th grade, my best friend's mother wrote a cartoon character on his leg, after she spent a drunken night out on the town.

In both cases, kids didn't know whether to believe it or not.

Most thought they were full of it.

Now we have digital cameras and YouTube.

Parents, you have been warned.
----------------
Think that's all? Banality Fair reports that Washington Wizard Gilbert Arenas wanted to show that the NBA has bad daddy skillz too. What a way to count down to Father's Day!

Spector, Cho and R. Kelly

Stop whatever you are doing right now and read Radar Magazine's Fifty Years of Phil Spector: A History of Violence.

Defamer liked the life-sized inflatable dummy replica of himself in the passenger seat of his wife's car to prevent other men from picking up on her, but the thing that stood out to me was Phil Spector being urinated on by four men who apparently didn't like his performance with the Teddy Bears band.

We always hear about the urinators, like R. Kelly and Chuck Berry, but never from the urinatees like Phil Spector.

Instead of blaming movies for Seung-Hui Cho's behavior, maybe we should look into whether anyone peed on him. Or maybe he was an extra for the Dave Chappelle skit.

You might laugh, but Phil sure loved whipping out guns whenever he had issues, whether it's recording music with John Lennon, forcing himself on women, performing with the Ramones or drinking kosher red wine.

Let's hope Sanjaya doesn't love John Lennon's "Imagine" (which Spector produced) so much he wants to record little symphonies for kids with him. Otherwise we'd have to start a Sanjaya Peed Watch.

Also, Radar listed another entry to the Notorious Celebrity Parent Behavior list:

Gary tells of being blindfolded and sexually molested by his father as a "learning experience," while Donte reports that, at the tender age of nine, he was blindfolded, handcuffed, and forced to simulate intercourse with his father's girlfriend.

Again, I ask you, is Alec Baldwin really that bad?


------
What do you think about the Kelly-Cho-Spector connection? Should R. Kelly increase his security? Do you feel differently about Alec Baldwin? And how about poor Sanjaya?!?

Cutting Alec Baldwin Some Slack

Last week, I got all preachy about Alec Baldwin calling his daughter a "thoughtless little pig". After reading Kiros' comment, I took a long, soulful look back to my youth.

At 11 or 12, whatever the age is, as Mr. Baldwin put it, you do some pretty thick headed things. I sure as hell did when I was that age and got called names much worse than "thoughtless little pig" in addition to getting whipped.

Before you get all ridiculous, realize that although Alec Baldwin lost his cool, he isn't that bad when you put things in context.

How bad, you ask?

Here's a list of Celebrity Parental Behavior more notorious than Alec Baldwin's:

Scary Spice naming her kid after Eddie Murphy...if the vasectomy rumor is true/Eddie Murphy...if the baby is his. See Dr. J.

Michael Jackson's parenting skills. Start saving for the therapy now.

Gary Coleman's parents pimped him out and took his money.

Joan Crawford beat her kid with wire hangers.

Joe Simpson's ranting about Jessica Simpson's Double D's and other...behavior around his daughters.

Britney Spears' car seat fiasco and pantyless antics. However, Britney didn't learn her bad parenting through Paris Hilton. She was influenced by the original 'clubbing while kids are home' kingpin.

Doctor Doom adopted a kid named Kristoff, who suggested that he team up with another supervillan. Doom's response? Choking the hell out of Kristoff! We're not going to comment on the crazy things Kristoff must've seen around Daddy Doom...

Darth Vader chopped off the hand of his son, Luke Skywalker.

Aerosmith's Steven Tyler getting "custody":

The 27 year front mans eye was caught by a 14 year old girl named Diana Hall. The pair fell in love and Tyler moved her into her Boston apartment so that they could be together- but only after Halls parents signed her over to Tyler as her guardian.

And the worst?

In the American Idol prelim round, Momjaya brazenly stating on national television that her daughter is better than Sanjaya. Clearly he is superior performer.

He is, after all, Sanjaya.

So what possibly did she mean? That he doesn't smoke enough weed? Another note for the weed watch:

See? Alec isn't that bad after all, is he?

----------------

Were we too harsh on Alec Baldwin? What bad celebrity parenting did we miss?