How Do You Serve 'Racist Egg'?

DC Comics has reinterpreted our favorite Communist instrument of terror, Egg Fu, for the 21st Century. They gave him a shave and a language coach.

Old Fu:New Fu:
After checking out the changes, I realized Egg Fu's true calling:

A featured ingredient on a reality cooking show.

On Top Chef, they'd probably make him into 'egg yolk and sea urchin roe with vermicelli'.

On Hell's Kitchen, they'd probably under cook poor Egg Fu and Chef Ramsay would have no choice but to throw him out, cursing all the way.

On Iron Chef, Chairman Kaga would challenge the contestants to break the shell which normally confines their thinking.

I don't think any of the Egg Fu dishes would go over well with the judges. I hear he has a weird aftertaste, which is why you can't get racial stereotype eggs at your local grocer.

Captain America's Replacement REVEALED

When Captain America died, rumors of his replacement ran rampant.

Some people thought it would be The Punisher.

Old Punisher...


Captain Americafied Punisher...

But they're wrong.

Others thought it would be Cap's former sidekick Bucky Barnes.

Here's the original recipe Bucky alongside Cap:

And this is the extra crispy Bucky in his new persona, The Winter Soldier:

But they're wrong, too.

Captain America's replacement has surfaced. And he don't need no stinkin' new costume...

Colin Powell, where the heck have you been?

We found out that you've been conversating with Barak Obama and now you tell Newsweek you want people to back off Angelina Jolie:

"She's absolutely serious, absolutely informed...She doesn't need this. This needed her."

Just like the way kids around the world need Angelina Jolie to come in their country and adopt the hell out of them, America...no...THE WORLD needs Colin Powell to come back into the spotlight and pick up good ol' Cap's mantle.

And for that, I salute him.

Colin Powell, your shield awaits. You just have to wrest it from the sinister clutches of Stephen Colbert...

No Egg On Wonder Woman's Face

According to the AP, scenes of Chow Yun-Fat in Pirates of the Caribbean have been slashed in half by censors in China for "vilifying and defacing" the Chinese. The depiction of a scarred, bald pirate with Lee press-on nails, is believed to be consistent with Hollywood's old tradition of demonizing the Chinese.

This should be a wake up call to the producers of the upcoming Wonder Woman movie who are trying to figure out which villain from her past should be featured in the film.

No matter how much they might be tempted, one thing rings true...

Avoid Egg Fu at all costs!

I know the idea of a ginormous Communist egg created by Chinese sleeper agents to take down America and Wonder Woman seems like money in the bank, but please be reasonable.

Tinky Winky: Eternal Scapegoat

Reuters reports that Poland's conservative government picked up the Jerry Falwell baton in an attempt to curb what it sees as homosexual propaganda via Tinky Winky and the Teletubbies.

For those who forgot, Falwell issued an alert in 1999 over Tinky Winky's homosexual ways. In particular, his color (purple) and triangle shaped antenna. Both features, Falwell believed, were homosexual codes transmitted to impressionable Christian children.

I always thought the antenna was a silent protest against the Pro-Life movement, since it looks like an upside down coat-hanger.

Falwell's color hysteria made sense, since he was a segregationist. Poland, on the other hand, is more progressive. They just care about Tinky Winky's purse:

"At first I thought the purse would be a burden for this Teletubby ... Later I learned that this may have a homosexual undertone."

The article notes that Polish Education Minister Roman Giertych has proposed laws sacking teachers who promote "homosexual lifestyle" and banning "homo-agitation".

What is 'homo-agitation'? If anything, I thought the Teletubbies were homo-relaxation.

And what's the big deal with a purse?

Felix the Cat had one, and no one called him gay.

Is it because of reverse racism?

Turns out that Ewa Sowinska, Poland's government-appointed children rights watchdog, is seeking psychological assistance, not for her paranoia, but in helping to save the minds of young children.

This isn't the first time a shrink was called to protect kids from evil. In 1954, Dr. Frederic Wertham made a quick buck by suggesting that comic books were responsible for juvenile delinquency. His book Seduction of the Innocent postulated that Batman and Robin was a homosexual fantasy.

Yeah, right...

First Cat Stevens, Then Bert, Now Mickey?

Militancy. The new Black.

First, mild mannered Cat Stevens, writer of songs like 'Moonshadow' and "Peace Train' became Yusuf Islam and called for Salman Rushdie's head:


Then, peaceful curmudgeon Bert dropped Ernie to hang with Osama and become poster child against the West:

Now Mickey gets militant and hosts a Hamas kiddie show:

The show is broadcast throughout the Gaza Strip on Hamas' Al-Aqsa TV station, telling children to strive for "world leadership under Islamic leadership." They sing songs with lyrics like "We will destroy the chair of the despots, so they will taste the flame of death."

Captain America gets killed and now the world has gone to hell.


Was it worth it, Marvel Comics?

Now is the time for Obama to put aside his differences and protect his Cousin Pookie from becoming yet another victim of militancy's hard, yet alluring embrace.

I'm Spider-Man, B*tch!

For the past three weeks, Hollywood lost they mind:

Take a moment to appreciate the specialness of this Monday morning, where Shia LaBeouf is currently the biggest movie star in America.

He's one of the fastest-rising stars in Hollywood, and if you needed any more proof that Shia LaBeouf's time is now, look no further than his top-five box-office openings.

LaBeouf's movie 'Disturbia' grossed $52.1 million in 17 days. It was also announced that he'll star in the next Indiana Jones.

Hollywood went crazy for their new star.

Shia LaBeouf, destroyer of Bruce Willis.
Shia LaBeouf, conqueror of Quentin Tarantino.
Shia LaBeouf, buggerer of Will Ferrell.

Then, along came a spider.

Spider-Man 3 made more in one day than alleged Box Office honcho Shia LeBouf made in 3 weeks. Like Chris Rock said, there are a lot of great actors, but few real stars.

Shia LaBeouf, star?

Spider-Man is a star. Too busy thinking about the ladies to care about Shia LaBeouf.

You could see this coming a mile away. Youngins playing with the Big Boys. It's like folks wondering if USC could beat the Raiders when they couldn't even beat Vince Young.

It's like they wanted to set Shia up for failure. He had a #1 movie against weak competition. Kudos for him. But he went up against a true beast...and got whupped.

Let's hope he doesn't try something drastic, like trying to get buzz by getting bitten by a spider. Some kid in Oregon had two spiders nesting in his ear, and all he got was rice crispies sounds and an article...with no photo.

Since Sony Pictures has announced at least another three Spider-Man flicks, maybe Shia will be able to do some damage when Spider-Man 6 rolls around?


Perhaps if Tobey Maguire stays true to his word and Spider-Man 3 is last appearance, Shia has a chance.

He could play Spider-Man. Then he'd have his revenge...

Obama's Nemesis REVEALED

It had to happen.

Every major do-gooder has a nemisis.

Shazam has Black Adam.

Grey's Anatomy has Isaiah Washington.

Now we've learned that Barack Obama has Cousin Pookie.

No one knows what Pookie looks like. My assumption is he must be modeled after Pookie from New Jack City.

The question on a lot of people's minds is, 'why does it have to be a brotha?' And if he has to be a brotha, why not make him a "magic negro" like J.C. from the Green Mile?


David Ehrenstein believes it's because Obama is the magic negro himself, but I don't believe it. If a "magic negro" exists, it's Will Smith, because only magic can make a piece of crap like 'Getting Jiggy With It' a #1 song and a dud like 'I, Robot' a hit movie.

But I digress...

Having an "evil Negro" was successfully employed by George Bush in the 1988 election and Bill Clinton coined the phrase Sister Souljah moment by using a black rapper as his nemesis.

Even Santa Claus has an evil Negro (Zwarte 'Black' Piet) to further his political agenda.


At times like these, if you can't trust Santa, who can you trust?

We need a true hero.

An icon above all icons.

Superman.

Surely he is immune to having an evil negro. He had Lex Luthor. Bald whiteboy. Why can't Obama be like Superman?


Wait a minute. Who's that guy underneath Lex Luthor?

That's right.

It's Bizarro, Supeman's exact opposite, who was backwards and did everything wrong.


Bizarro spoke in ebonics...


Bizarro, like Undercover Brother, had a weakness for "Black Man's Kryptonite" AKA the "White She-Devil"...


Bizarro isn't really white after all.

He's just lightskinded.

I guess Obama is more like Superman than I thought...

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So, now that Obama has his Cousin Pookie, what are the other candidates going to do? Is everyone going to pick an "evil negro" or will other ethnicities be empoyed? Who are your top candidates for Hilary, Rudy, McCain or Edwards nemesis?

Captain America: Dead and Loving It!

Captain America, unlike Tupac, Biggie, and Jim Morrison has returned from the dead.

Unless you've been under a rock, you'd know that Captain America was murdered by a sniper in March.

I would say he got assassinated, but that depends on the interpretation.

If we perform a Chris Rock analysis, maybe his ass just got shot:

When we got no leaders, when something happens we make (things) bigger than it is. It's big, but don't make it bigger than it is. I'm watching the news, and like, 'Tupac Shakur was assassinated. Biggie Smalls, assassinated. Struck down by assassin's bullets.' I'm like, 'No, they wasn't!' Martin Luther King was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two n***** got shot.

So, did Captain America get assassinated or shot?

CBS refers to Cap's death as a result of a struggle between national security and civil liberties.

ABC called it an assasination.

(Un)Fortunately, the question is moot.

Captain America is ALIVE.

Not flesh-eating zombie "alive":

Not doing a duet on American Idol with Celine Dion "alive".

Not on an island like Tupac "alive".

Good ol' Cap was busted with a burrito in his pants, groping women and getting his drink on.

Tupac, Kurt Cobain, Elvis, Biggie and tons of other dead guys could learn a lot from a true "dead" American hero.

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How could Biggie, Tupac, or Elvis top Captain America's performance? What do you think is next for Cap?

Should Virginia Tech killer be linked to Super Mario?

Someone finally pulled a John Hinckley analysis, AKA "Blame the Movie/Book/Videogame for creating the psycho", on Cho Seung-Hui for the Virginia Tech massacre. The movie of choice, for today at least, is Oldboy.

Look at the photo: Cho has a hammer and so does Dae-Su Oh, the protagonist of Oldboy. Cho was violent and so was Dae-Su.

Forget the fact that Cho used 9mm and .22-caliber pistols, not a hammer.

Forget the fact that Oldboy took place in Korea and Dae-Su fought to defend himself from thugs who kidnapped him and a criminal mastermind who tricked him into committing incest.

Yes, you read that right: Dae-Su slept with his daughter. At the end of the movie, once he finds out, he cuts out his tongue.

Forget that Dae-Su doesn't commit suicide. He, like George Michael suggested, Chooses Life. Unlike George Michael, Dae-Su decides to continue his monogamous relationship with his daughter. Unlike Dae-Su, Cho was childless and kept his tongue intact. Unlike Dae-Sue's mop-top hairstyle, Cho shaved his head.

What is the parallel between Dae-Su and Cho? Oh yeah, I forgot.

He took a photo with a hammer.

Since Cho was an English major, wouldn't it make more sense to blame John Henry?


Maybe Cho took a Norse Myths class. We can blame Thor...


Sorry, he probably read comics, so I got the wrong Thor...


Nope, throw all that out the window. It's Oldboy to blame.

If out of touch critics want to blame something. Why not blame a videogame? That's the "hip" thing to do these days. Don't worry, if you're not up on videogames. I'll give you a character who, like Cho, has a hammer...and even better yet...he's Asian!:


That's right. The Hammer Brother from Super Mario.