Jordin Sparks Idol Conspiracy EXPOSED!

For decades, codebreakers scoured newspapers to decipher vast international conspiracies. With the advent of the Internet, it is possible to deconstruct massive media conspiracies by surfing the web.

Case in point?

Jordin Sparks was picked, packaged, and presented as the American Idol months before we knew she existed.

Don't believe me? Follow me on a journey which will have your head spinning and heart pumping. You will understand that Howard Stern was correct: Jordin Sparks' victory is a mass manipulation on a conspiratorial level unmatched since Jethro Tull won the heavy metal Grammy over Metallica.

(First, check yesterday's story on Howard Stern's theory, if you haven't already.)

One would think Howard was batty. That is, until one visited Tabloid Baby's article on Newsgasm revealing photos showing Jordin with Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson three years ago, even though they pretended not to know her when she auditioned.


Throughout the season, Jordin's mantra was "I'm Just 17 years old!", which as Lisa De Moraes notes, was what 'the show's three judges reminded viewers at every possible moment in the four-month-long competition.'

It's a marketing ploy which paid off, as every story covering American Idol mentions Jordin's age, and how she's the youngest idol EVER!

The marketing was burrowed in our brains by her duet with Blake Lewis covering The Beatles' "I Saw Her Standing There" which starts out with "She was just 17, you know what I mean..."

Blake Lewis, forever the rebel, wanted to spite the competition once he discovered the conspiracy:

After the show, Lewis told reporters backstage that he had pegged Sparks as the next "American Idol" weeks ago. "I feel great," he said. "I was trying to wear a 'Vote For Jordin Sparks' T-shirt last night but they wouldn't let me."

Who are the 'they' who wouldn't let Blake support Jordin? And how could 'they' convince Blake to prove his allegiance to 'them'? Did 'they' get to him? This isn't any mere mortal we're talking about. It's Blake Frickin' Lewis, who will beatbox his Jamiroquai all over your non-311 loving hindpots!

Perhaps 'they' were the puppetmasters pulling the strings on other Idol contestants in a story covered by TMZ:

"A.I." castoffs Antonella Barba, Haley Scarnato and Gina Glocksen are pretty clear as to who their pick to win "Idol" is... and it's not Blake Lewis. The three rejects have spent the last week asking all of their fans to vote for Jordin Sparks. The girls have posted bulletins non stop on each of their MySpace pages, urging readers to make Jordin the next "American Idol" winner.

Creepy enough for you?

There's even more...

A YouTuber believes that 'they' manipulated footage to boost Jordin's likelihood of winning and the video of Jordin's disappearing tears.

Evidence provided by Votefortheworst.com suggest the conspiracy of 'them' to increase Jordin's margin of victory was strengthened through the pro-life movement and Jordin's prominent anti-abortion stance, including appearing at anti-abortion rallies and having photos on her myspace account, courting the Christian Right.


What is the master plan?

There are three theories:

The first involves Capitalism:

'They' are American Idol producers who get money from exploiting Jordan Sparks. Jordin Sparks is young and cute. Tweens like her, and Tweens have more purchasing power than anyone else on the planet. And 'they' want to get Tweens money;

The second involves Politics:

'They' want to condition Americans to vote for Barak Obama as president, envisioned by Katherine Meizel:

I've been fantasizing about how the Season 6 lack-of-the-South upset might relate to the newly real potential of Barack Obama's presidential candidacy. Like our Top 2, he's not Southern; like Jordin, his family background is multiracial; and I think that if he were an American Idol contestant, he would probably wear sweater vests. Maybe the rise of Blake and Jordin is connected to the recent barometric shift in our political climate, away from the status quo and toward something, like Blake's beatboxing, more "contemporary." Or maybe it's just a singing competition after all.

(I have to note my continued befuddlement over the "beatboxing is contemporary" crap? Doug E. Fresh, the "original human beat box" (not to be confused with the Fat Boys Human Beat Box) performed "The Show" last night. Which was a hit...back in 1985!);

The third involves Religion:

'They' believe that America, no, the world, needs a Christian Idol after Bert, Cat Stevens, and Mickey Mouse converted to Islam.

And that Idol?

Jordin Sparks.

Whoever 'they' are, 'they' must be distraught since American Idol season finale ratings are down 19% from last year.

That's right, Taylor Hicks got higher ratings than Jordin.

'They' should have rigged the show to make the finals Sanjaya versus Melinda.

Oh, I fergot. According to Stern, that's what it would've been if 'they' didn't tinker with the results in the first place.

See what happens when you try to play God, 'they' who run American Idol?

Captain America: Dead and Loving It!

Captain America, unlike Tupac, Biggie, and Jim Morrison has returned from the dead.

Unless you've been under a rock, you'd know that Captain America was murdered by a sniper in March.

I would say he got assassinated, but that depends on the interpretation.

If we perform a Chris Rock analysis, maybe his ass just got shot:

When we got no leaders, when something happens we make (things) bigger than it is. It's big, but don't make it bigger than it is. I'm watching the news, and like, 'Tupac Shakur was assassinated. Biggie Smalls, assassinated. Struck down by assassin's bullets.' I'm like, 'No, they wasn't!' Martin Luther King was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two n***** got shot.

So, did Captain America get assassinated or shot?

CBS refers to Cap's death as a result of a struggle between national security and civil liberties.

ABC called it an assasination.

(Un)Fortunately, the question is moot.

Captain America is ALIVE.

Not flesh-eating zombie "alive":

Not doing a duet on American Idol with Celine Dion "alive".

Not on an island like Tupac "alive".

Good ol' Cap was busted with a burrito in his pants, groping women and getting his drink on.

Tupac, Kurt Cobain, Elvis, Biggie and tons of other dead guys could learn a lot from a true "dead" American hero.

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How could Biggie, Tupac, or Elvis top Captain America's performance? What do you think is next for Cap?

Beards

A topic that has fascinated many involves women who turn out to be beards. Much has been written about the difficulty of being "out" in our repressed culture, but so little has been said about the female follicles.

Many beards go unshaven. There is little transition from a full beard to a goatee, so it's a troublesome topic to pin down. So many people assume that just because a guy is hot, he must be gay. The most popular target is Tom Cruise.


Another guy who gets the rumor is John Travolta.


However, one doesn't have to be hot in order to run victim to allegations of marrying a woman in order to disguise one's homosexuality. The most public victim of rumor and innuendo is David Gest, a man who is anything but hot.


These men, hot or not, are just subjects of speculation.

One man who isn't: former NJ Governor Jim McGreevey. Although he came out, many wondered whether his wife, Dina Matos McGreevey, knew or not.

Now we have an answer.

According to a NY Post Exclusive, knew that her husband was gay before they got married:

"As far as I know, she never really confronted anyone about it, she just kinda let it slide," one source said.

In her book "Silent Partner", Dina Matos McGreevey notes that after her husband officially came out, he told her "You have to be Jackie Kennedy today," and if she stayed at the governor's mansion until the last minute it would make her "look like white trash.

In wake of all this McGreevey news, there is one man who might be feeling the heat more than anyone else in America: