Captain America's Replacement REVEALED

When Captain America died, rumors of his replacement ran rampant.

Some people thought it would be The Punisher.

Old Punisher...


Captain Americafied Punisher...

But they're wrong.

Others thought it would be Cap's former sidekick Bucky Barnes.

Here's the original recipe Bucky alongside Cap:

And this is the extra crispy Bucky in his new persona, The Winter Soldier:

But they're wrong, too.

Captain America's replacement has surfaced. And he don't need no stinkin' new costume...

Colin Powell, where the heck have you been?

We found out that you've been conversating with Barak Obama and now you tell Newsweek you want people to back off Angelina Jolie:

"She's absolutely serious, absolutely informed...She doesn't need this. This needed her."

Just like the way kids around the world need Angelina Jolie to come in their country and adopt the hell out of them, America...no...THE WORLD needs Colin Powell to come back into the spotlight and pick up good ol' Cap's mantle.

And for that, I salute him.

Colin Powell, your shield awaits. You just have to wrest it from the sinister clutches of Stephen Colbert...

Rosie's View Replacement Has Massive Consequences

Rosie O'Donnell tried to exercise restraint before her tiff with Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View “(b)ecause here’s how it gets spun in the media: ‘Rosie, big fat lesbian loud Rosie, attacks innocent pure Christian Elisabeth,’ ”

Their tussle gave us insight into a war that many did not know was occurring. This is a war not about gay vs straight, Christian vs heathen, or loudness vs purity.

This is a war about fat people vs thin people.

Rosie O'Donnell's replacement will have huge ramifications on the war's outcome. Rosie's seat was previously held by Star Jones, who was given the boot after she lost weight. I know "the official story": Star was dropped for using the show to pimp product placement for her wedding. But that's not the point, especially if a rejected, skinny View wannabe pulls a Cameron Diaz and asks "Does Rosie's spot have a size requirement? Can't a skinny girl get some cake or cheddar too?"

And there's value in that question.

Just because a skinny girl doesn't eat, doesn't mean she doesn't need bread. Angelina Jolie needs dough, and laxatives, and a photo touch up, to look heroin chic without using heroin, according to Dr. Jeffrey Bronstein's analysis in the NY Post. She sure as hell doesn't use ex-lax, because she's too rich to go out like that.

If Rosie's replacement is Roseanne Barr, it could add more weight to the divide. And it would be a shame, because America is filled with people who are fat, skinny, and all sizes in between. Kathy Griffin, who is loud and obnoxious could be a bridge builder on The View. And we'd get around the fat vs thin ruckus, because we'd have someone right in the middle. The View would show that there isn't, nor should there be, an official dress size for America.

And this is a message that needs to get across.

Unfortunately, Captain America dead, so we have no American idol to...

...wait a minute...

Did I write American Idol?

We got one!

Jordin Sparks, a former plus size model, can be the one who makes a difference since she likes her curves:

"I'm really comfortable in my own skin," Jordin says with her signature wide smile. "I learned that I'm not ever going to be a size 2. I would look so weird as a size 2. Somebody would blow and I would fall right over. It just wouldn't be healthy."

Jordin Sparks can bring fat people and skinny people together. She's not fat, she's Amazonian. So, you see, American Idol strikes again!

The Producers handpicked Jordin because they knew war was on the horizon. They're British, after all, and saw the backlash against skinnies like Keira Knightley, Kate Moss, and Shilpa Shetty in their own country. It was only a matter of time before it hit the United States. Melinda had pipes, and was definitely not TOFI (thin outside fat inside), but she's not a plus size model.

And that's another reason why Melinda Doolittle was jerked.
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Where do you weigh in? And what about Nicole Richie's 100 lb weight requirement for her Memorial Day Party? How about the NY Post news story that fat people are more likely to die from using Ecstasy? And the European Union's attack on obesity?

First Cat Stevens, Then Bert, Now Mickey?

Militancy. The new Black.

First, mild mannered Cat Stevens, writer of songs like 'Moonshadow' and "Peace Train' became Yusuf Islam and called for Salman Rushdie's head:


Then, peaceful curmudgeon Bert dropped Ernie to hang with Osama and become poster child against the West:

Now Mickey gets militant and hosts a Hamas kiddie show:

The show is broadcast throughout the Gaza Strip on Hamas' Al-Aqsa TV station, telling children to strive for "world leadership under Islamic leadership." They sing songs with lyrics like "We will destroy the chair of the despots, so they will taste the flame of death."

Captain America gets killed and now the world has gone to hell.


Was it worth it, Marvel Comics?

Now is the time for Obama to put aside his differences and protect his Cousin Pookie from becoming yet another victim of militancy's hard, yet alluring embrace.

Captain America: Dead and Loving It!

Captain America, unlike Tupac, Biggie, and Jim Morrison has returned from the dead.

Unless you've been under a rock, you'd know that Captain America was murdered by a sniper in March.

I would say he got assassinated, but that depends on the interpretation.

If we perform a Chris Rock analysis, maybe his ass just got shot:

When we got no leaders, when something happens we make (things) bigger than it is. It's big, but don't make it bigger than it is. I'm watching the news, and like, 'Tupac Shakur was assassinated. Biggie Smalls, assassinated. Struck down by assassin's bullets.' I'm like, 'No, they wasn't!' Martin Luther King was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two n***** got shot.

So, did Captain America get assassinated or shot?

CBS refers to Cap's death as a result of a struggle between national security and civil liberties.

ABC called it an assasination.

(Un)Fortunately, the question is moot.

Captain America is ALIVE.

Not flesh-eating zombie "alive":

Not doing a duet on American Idol with Celine Dion "alive".

Not on an island like Tupac "alive".

Good ol' Cap was busted with a burrito in his pants, groping women and getting his drink on.

Tupac, Kurt Cobain, Elvis, Biggie and tons of other dead guys could learn a lot from a true "dead" American hero.

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How could Biggie, Tupac, or Elvis top Captain America's performance? What do you think is next for Cap?