Lindsay Lohan and Isaiah Washington: One To Grow On

Say what you will about Isaiah Washington. But that brotha sure can act! Look at his conviction in the Public Service Announcement about the power of words. I wonder what word he could possibly be talking about? It's here.



Lindsay Lohan, on the other hand, can't keep from busting out laughing.

LindsayLohan - Don't Drink And Drive PSA
Uploaded by philcage

How in the world can she expect to be taken seriously as an Oscar contender if she can't do a PSA without laughing, fer Pete's sake?

You know who gets lost in this mess? Mr. T. He had a music video about treating your momma right. He sings, teaches, and grooves to the music WITHOUT CRACKING A SMILE.



A pessimist would argue that's because Mr. T is a better actor than Lindsay Lohan. Although Mr. T has more acting ability in his discarded Mohawk shavings than Lindsay Lohan, that isn't the point.

The point is, Mr. T BELIEVED in what he was saying, so there was no need for him to exercise any of his acting acumen. But don't cry for Mr. T. He ain't no fool to be pitied.

Rosie's View Replacement Has Massive Consequences

Rosie O'Donnell tried to exercise restraint before her tiff with Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View “(b)ecause here’s how it gets spun in the media: ‘Rosie, big fat lesbian loud Rosie, attacks innocent pure Christian Elisabeth,’ ”

Their tussle gave us insight into a war that many did not know was occurring. This is a war not about gay vs straight, Christian vs heathen, or loudness vs purity.

This is a war about fat people vs thin people.

Rosie O'Donnell's replacement will have huge ramifications on the war's outcome. Rosie's seat was previously held by Star Jones, who was given the boot after she lost weight. I know "the official story": Star was dropped for using the show to pimp product placement for her wedding. But that's not the point, especially if a rejected, skinny View wannabe pulls a Cameron Diaz and asks "Does Rosie's spot have a size requirement? Can't a skinny girl get some cake or cheddar too?"

And there's value in that question.

Just because a skinny girl doesn't eat, doesn't mean she doesn't need bread. Angelina Jolie needs dough, and laxatives, and a photo touch up, to look heroin chic without using heroin, according to Dr. Jeffrey Bronstein's analysis in the NY Post. She sure as hell doesn't use ex-lax, because she's too rich to go out like that.

If Rosie's replacement is Roseanne Barr, it could add more weight to the divide. And it would be a shame, because America is filled with people who are fat, skinny, and all sizes in between. Kathy Griffin, who is loud and obnoxious could be a bridge builder on The View. And we'd get around the fat vs thin ruckus, because we'd have someone right in the middle. The View would show that there isn't, nor should there be, an official dress size for America.

And this is a message that needs to get across.

Unfortunately, Captain America dead, so we have no American idol to...

...wait a minute...

Did I write American Idol?

We got one!

Jordin Sparks, a former plus size model, can be the one who makes a difference since she likes her curves:

"I'm really comfortable in my own skin," Jordin says with her signature wide smile. "I learned that I'm not ever going to be a size 2. I would look so weird as a size 2. Somebody would blow and I would fall right over. It just wouldn't be healthy."

Jordin Sparks can bring fat people and skinny people together. She's not fat, she's Amazonian. So, you see, American Idol strikes again!

The Producers handpicked Jordin because they knew war was on the horizon. They're British, after all, and saw the backlash against skinnies like Keira Knightley, Kate Moss, and Shilpa Shetty in their own country. It was only a matter of time before it hit the United States. Melinda had pipes, and was definitely not TOFI (thin outside fat inside), but she's not a plus size model.

And that's another reason why Melinda Doolittle was jerked.
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Where do you weigh in? And what about Nicole Richie's 100 lb weight requirement for her Memorial Day Party? How about the NY Post news story that fat people are more likely to die from using Ecstasy? And the European Union's attack on obesity?

Jordin Sparks' Official Bio Was FALSIFIED!

Last Thursday, numerous strands pointing to an American Idol conspiracy were pieced together on this very site. Jordin Sparks' victory and the surprise canning of favorite Melinda Doolittle was alleged to be the work of careful planning in an attempt to maximize ratings. Whether or not you believe the conspiracy is moot: Jordin Sparks is the American Idol. She has a great voice and would never lie to win the competition.

That's what we thought...

...until this morning!

MSNBC reports that Jordin Sparks had a vocal coach. What's the big deal?

That may come as a surprise to Sparks’ fans because on her official bio on the “Idol” Web site, when asked if she ever had formal training, Sparks answered, “No.”

Melissa Black, who was Jordin's coach for nine months, felt 'hurt' by not being acknowledged and having her work ignored.

People believed that Jordin was this vocal ingenue as opposed to the wily veteran Melissa Doolittle. This belief was furthered by the "I'm only 17" mantra that Jordin, the judges, and even Ryan Seacrest recited.

This affected voting.

Would Melissa Black, removed from American Idol history to further a secretly held conspiracy, burn with hatred as an unwitting pawn to Jordin Sparks' orchestrated march to victory?

“I’ve moved on, and I hold my head up high.”

If only I could move on.

But when I remember the golden voice of Melinda Doolittle, and remember the odds she's overcome, only to have victory taken away from her because of some producer's notion that an American Idol should have a prominent neck, I just can't. I just can't...
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What do think of the "oversight"? Who do you identify with: Melinda, Jordin, or Melissa?

Post American Idol Viewing Options

With American Idol wrapped up, viewers are scrambling for something to watch.

Two suggestions that have popped up are also signs of the apocalypse:

1. Cheddar cheese aging in real-time on cheddarvision.tv
2. Three contestants fight over a kidney on The Big Donor Show, a new reality television program.
   

You can watch a the real-time cheese aging on cheddarvision.tv.

C'mon. You know you want to...

It's no Sanjaya, but more entertaining than Barry Gibb or Gwen Stefani's performance with Akon. Speaking of Akon, how do you think show producers would have reacted if he pulled the stunt he did in Trinidad with the 15 year old, live on Fox? Melinda Doolittle would've had a heart attack.

As far as the The Big Donor Show is concerned, we have your friends at the AP:

During the show, Lisa (the kidney donor) will hear interviews with the three candidates, their families and friends before choosing who will get her kidney. Viewers will be able to vote for a candidate via SMS text message, but the final determination will be Lisa's.

The shocking plot twist?

There's no guarantee the winner will actually receive the organ, because there is no tissue compatibility screening prior to the contestant selection.

So, the contestants, hoping for a donation, might actually get nothing.

But wait, there's more!

The organ donor has cancer and it's possible that her organs might spread the cancer.

With a 'prize' like that, it makes you wonder what the runners up get.

Before we start the "man folks outside of the U.S. are backwards" bandwagon, let's look at our own reality history.

If a show which encourages young wimmenz to make out with Flavor Flav is legal in the U.S., should we be surprised that The Big Donor Show produced by Endemol NV, which created Big Brother and Fear Factor, is legal in another country?

According to Reuters, BNN the network airing the show on Dutch TV, has broadcast other reality TV shows, including one called "Shooting and Swallowing" illustrating the impact of drug use, and another show on sex called "This is How You Screw".

One question from this despicable attempt at ratings must be answered:

Why isn't BNN offered by my cable carrier?

UPDATE: Rosie O'Donnell Outrage

An update to the Rosie O'Donnell story:

There's a petition to get Elisabeth Hasselbeck fired from The View. You can find it here.

Where's Janette Barber's Legal Defense Fund for her political graffiti?

People need to get their priorities straight!

Tinky Winky: Eternal Scapegoat

Reuters reports that Poland's conservative government picked up the Jerry Falwell baton in an attempt to curb what it sees as homosexual propaganda via Tinky Winky and the Teletubbies.

For those who forgot, Falwell issued an alert in 1999 over Tinky Winky's homosexual ways. In particular, his color (purple) and triangle shaped antenna. Both features, Falwell believed, were homosexual codes transmitted to impressionable Christian children.

I always thought the antenna was a silent protest against the Pro-Life movement, since it looks like an upside down coat-hanger.

Falwell's color hysteria made sense, since he was a segregationist. Poland, on the other hand, is more progressive. They just care about Tinky Winky's purse:

"At first I thought the purse would be a burden for this Teletubby ... Later I learned that this may have a homosexual undertone."

The article notes that Polish Education Minister Roman Giertych has proposed laws sacking teachers who promote "homosexual lifestyle" and banning "homo-agitation".

What is 'homo-agitation'? If anything, I thought the Teletubbies were homo-relaxation.

And what's the big deal with a purse?

Felix the Cat had one, and no one called him gay.

Is it because of reverse racism?

Turns out that Ewa Sowinska, Poland's government-appointed children rights watchdog, is seeking psychological assistance, not for her paranoia, but in helping to save the minds of young children.

This isn't the first time a shrink was called to protect kids from evil. In 1954, Dr. Frederic Wertham made a quick buck by suggesting that comic books were responsible for juvenile delinquency. His book Seduction of the Innocent postulated that Batman and Robin was a homosexual fantasy.

Yeah, right...

Lindsay Lohan Is Turning Into Gollum

Lindsay Lohan, originator of the pantyless car exit, crashed her Mercedes in to a tree after a night of hard partying early Saturday morning and fled the scene. She was booked Saturday night on suspicion of driving under the influence (D.U.I.) Saturday night. What do investigators think she was influenced by? Cocaine found in her vehicle.

Contrary to popular speculation, her crazed behavior has nothing to do with Paris envy, bad parenting, or cocaine abuse. Lindsay Lohan is suffering from something far greater.

Take a look at her expression:
Does it look familiar? It should...
Lindsay Lohan's ridiculous behavior can be attributed to the fact that she's fiending for the Oscar, much like Gollum was fiending for the One Ring in Lord of the Rings.

And that fiending threatens her body, mind, and soul.

An article recently observed that you get "to be an Oscar-nominated actor" with "a little torture to the soul. It evidently worked for Joaquin Phoenix."

After a studio head went public with his frustration over Lindsay Lohan's partying ways during the filming of Georgia Rule, she probably freaked out when a reviewer compared it to Gigli, which effectively ended Ben Affleck's career and J.Lo hasn't fully recovered from:

Primarily, though, it's because Lohan's well-documented off-camera antics are such a distraction, as Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck's were, it's impossible to become engrossed in the film.

Lohan, confused by the negative press, probably took the assessment of Phoenix's Oscar fuel to heart: "Joaquin has great internal conflict on screen. He radiates torture, which is great, because what you want from actors is danger".

And who is stopping her?

Her Daddy Dearest wants her and her mother in rehab. Unless they can treat Oscar Fever, it would be pointless. She was already in rehab and it didn't work.

If someone helped Smeagol, he would have never turned into Gollum.

Someone needs to help Lindsay before she completes her turn.