Moving Day

Dear Desissified readers, this is my last post here as I'm up and leaving for my brand spanking new site refriedscreens.com. It's easier to remember (rhymes with refried beans) and spell than desissified.blogspot.com and there isn't as much typing for you, so the new url will stave off carpal tunnel for a good year or two! See how much I care about you guys?

Since I mash up pop culture and give it some flavor, I think the title fits. Originally, desissified was going to be about the sissifying effect cease and desist letters have on folks. Oh, the ignorance of youth...

There's a link to refriedscreens.com here. The first story makes a plea for Jeff Bridges AKA "The Dude" from The Big Lebowski to get an Oscar for his upcoming performance as the big bad in the upcoming Iron Man movie.

What's that you said? 'I didn't see it, so how could I know it'll be Oscar worthy?'

Check out my Top 5 List of How Un-Dude the character he's playing is, and you'll not only like the kool aid I'm drinking, you'll ask for the recipe!

How Do You Serve 'Racist Egg'?

DC Comics has reinterpreted our favorite Communist instrument of terror, Egg Fu, for the 21st Century. They gave him a shave and a language coach.

Old Fu:New Fu:
After checking out the changes, I realized Egg Fu's true calling:

A featured ingredient on a reality cooking show.

On Top Chef, they'd probably make him into 'egg yolk and sea urchin roe with vermicelli'.

On Hell's Kitchen, they'd probably under cook poor Egg Fu and Chef Ramsay would have no choice but to throw him out, cursing all the way.

On Iron Chef, Chairman Kaga would challenge the contestants to break the shell which normally confines their thinking.

I don't think any of the Egg Fu dishes would go over well with the judges. I hear he has a weird aftertaste, which is why you can't get racial stereotype eggs at your local grocer.

Best.Sign.Ever

Find it here.

Almost as good as the family safe 300 trailer:


BRUSH YOUR TEETH!

Celebrity Clone War

There's a woman who looks just like Angelina Jolie. Except she doesn't have the phat crib, ginormous bank account or hot hubby. As much as it sucks to be her, imagine how sweet her boyfriend has it!



You can also find it here.

And then there is the Paris Hilton clone.



You can find the clone here.

Although Paris is abandoning stupidity, will her clone? And if America hankers for their old stupid Paris, will it pick the clone instead of Paris Hilton?

This all seems like Jennifer Lopez in South Park. She of the 'Taco Flavored Kisses'. The music execs preferred a singing hand named Jennifer Lopez, who was younger and spicier than the original J. Lo. Even Ben Affleck preferred the hand over J.Lo.



Will history repeat itself?

Who Was Really Behind The Harry Potter Spoilers?

Some dude claims that he hacked a digital copy of author J.K. Rowling's seventh and final book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. He posts the spoilers here.

The reason?

"By following the precious words of the great Pope Benedict XVI when he still was Cardinal Josepth Ratzinger. He explained why Harry Potter bring the youngs of our earth to Neo Paganism faith. So we make this spoiler to make reading of the upcoming book useless and boring."

I remember the good old days. People who wanted to protest would picket movie theaters or simply burn books. Nobody got hurt and, hey, it made for a good show. But now, the protest has gone online...

And it's scary. Scary boring.

I don't think it's the Pope who is behind this...it's Universal Pictures.

Why?

What better way to guarantee the #1 box office slot for Evan Almighty than making Christians feel guilty about watching non-Christian entertainment like early Oscar contender Fantastic Four:Rise of the Silver Surfer or a masterpiece like John Cusak's 1408, which coincidentally opens the same day as Bruce Almighty and features the supernatural?

Defamer cites a LA Times story revealing the efforts of the studio to court Christians for the movie.

There is one person who can stop this madness...


Paris Hilton, I call on you and your new found faith to come forth from prison and strike down these abominations! It's your calling! Didn't I tell you she had a purpose? Read here if you plumb forgot.

Simple Life Behind Bars?

According to US Magazine, Nicole Richie has been ordered to stand trial on July 11th due to her December DUI. She faces a year in the slammer.

Didn't I tell you a while back that Paris wanted to remake Black Mama, White Mama? With Nicole in jail, they could update it for the multiracial 21st century set:

White Mama, Frappuccino Mama.

The Starbucks product placement ALONE would be worth millions.

With Lindsay Lohan looking like Gollum these days, maybe the three of them could do a femme Lord of the Rings?

Captain America's Replacement REVEALED

When Captain America died, rumors of his replacement ran rampant.

Some people thought it would be The Punisher.

Old Punisher...


Captain Americafied Punisher...

But they're wrong.

Others thought it would be Cap's former sidekick Bucky Barnes.

Here's the original recipe Bucky alongside Cap:

And this is the extra crispy Bucky in his new persona, The Winter Soldier:

But they're wrong, too.

Captain America's replacement has surfaced. And he don't need no stinkin' new costume...

Colin Powell, where the heck have you been?

We found out that you've been conversating with Barak Obama and now you tell Newsweek you want people to back off Angelina Jolie:

"She's absolutely serious, absolutely informed...She doesn't need this. This needed her."

Just like the way kids around the world need Angelina Jolie to come in their country and adopt the hell out of them, America...no...THE WORLD needs Colin Powell to come back into the spotlight and pick up good ol' Cap's mantle.

And for that, I salute him.

Colin Powell, your shield awaits. You just have to wrest it from the sinister clutches of Stephen Colbert...

Could There Be A Pervier Title?

Once word hits the streets that NBC greenlit a show called Without Breasts There Is No Paradise (translated from the telenovela, Sin Tetas) the sparks will fly.

Is the show about breast cancer or some other after-school special topic that makes one feel guilty for prejudging it on title alone?

Nope. It's about a 17-year-old call girl who "worries that her flat chest will consign her to a life of poverty".

Tits, whoring, and jail bait = ratings gold?

This led me on a quest to find the Perviest Titles in the History of Television, the kind of show titles that made you do a double take the first time you heard them...on a non-porno network:

Leave It To Beaver
Perhaps the only show that will never be redone with a girl playing the Beaver. With a title like this, was there any choice to not introduce Jerry Mathers "as the Beaver" at the beginning of the show?

Perversions of Science
What is a list about the Perviest Titles without this show listed? It was a Tales From The Crypt rip off with a better name. Unfortunately it wasn't enough to keep the show on air for more than a season.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Remember when you first heard the name of the show? You did a double take. I know you did.

Schlitz Playhouse of Stars
'Nuff said.

That's My Bush!
If Gore won, it would have been called Everybody Loves Al. It's uncertain whether or not the Gore show could have lasted more than the eight episodes of Bush. Did I just write that?

Deadwood
The fact that the show came on after Six Feet Under made me first think it was a rigor mortis joke. By the time Big Love came on, I had learned my lesson.

After reviewing the Perviest Titles in the History of Television, I realized there hasn't been, and probably never will be, a television show with a title pervier than Without Breasts There Is No Paradise on a family friendly network.
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Which show do you think has the Perviest name?

Looking For His Pot Of Gold?

Bai Ling reminds me of that freaky girl in high school who used to tramp it up. You figured "Man, if she's like that on the streets, imagine what she must be like in the sheets!". Then you see her dance and sadly, your fantasy is crushed.

Fortunately, a magic leprechaun appeared and calmed her ass down. Hopefully in a few weeks, he won't wake up with a burning sensation in his crotch and upon further inspection find pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, and purple horseshoes all over his shilleilagh!

Transformers Movie Gives Hope For He-Man and ThunderCats

If you've seen stills from the upcoming Transformers movie, you'll notice these aren't your friendly, childhood Transformers...

They're SPOOKY lookin'!



Seems as if Hollywood is treating the 80s better than the 70s and making the characters tougher. Wish we could say the same about what they did to 70s characters played by macho icons like Burt Reynolds From The Longest Yard...


Instead of comedic genius Adam Sandler from the remake...

Even Darth Vader went from looking like a possessed granddaddy from hell...

To a lost member of N*SYNC...


With the meaner, nastier Transformers looking tougher than the cartoon, there is hope that they'll do He-Man and ThunderCats better than these guys:

Create Your Own Sopranos Ending

Much has been written about the Sopranos series finale. Instead of wasting time trying to decipher whether Tony got shot or not, let's waste time creating our own ending.

Here's mine:

At the diner, AJ complains about the onion rings. Tony responds by beating him to a bloody pulp with a Heinz 57 ketchup bottle (product placement!). The guy who goes to the bathroom to pull a "Godfather" on Tony, can't find the gun he hid in the toilet stall. Who has it? Furio, who caught a late flight from Italy to bust multiple caps in his ass. Paulie and Silvio, fresh from the hospital, wipes out the rest of the folks in the diner, with the help of the boy scouts. Tony goes home, hooks up with Dr. Melfi, and bones AJ's high school girlfriend as Sid Vicious' version of "MY WAY" leads us to the credits.

THE END...and everyone's happy.
---
Can you top this ending?

No Egg On Wonder Woman's Face

According to the AP, scenes of Chow Yun-Fat in Pirates of the Caribbean have been slashed in half by censors in China for "vilifying and defacing" the Chinese. The depiction of a scarred, bald pirate with Lee press-on nails, is believed to be consistent with Hollywood's old tradition of demonizing the Chinese.

This should be a wake up call to the producers of the upcoming Wonder Woman movie who are trying to figure out which villain from her past should be featured in the film.

No matter how much they might be tempted, one thing rings true...

Avoid Egg Fu at all costs!

I know the idea of a ginormous Communist egg created by Chinese sleeper agents to take down America and Wonder Woman seems like money in the bank, but please be reasonable.

Worst Week In The History Of R&B Music

As if it wasn't enough for T-Pain to harp on Ray-J's dong, he has the #1 album this week for singing about how he wants to "slob the knob". It would be righteous if he used the opportunity to man up, come out and destigmatize homophobia, but he punked out by saying he "isn't a homo".

He should be a man and acknowledge the Freud in his slips.

On the topic of punking out, Akon recorded a song to apologize to everybody for everything:

• to the 14 year old he dry humped
• to Gwen Stefani, since Verizon dropped tour sponsorship because he humped the 14 year old
  
• to the environment for global warming

You can hear the lame track here (thanks Mediatakeout.com), but I warn you to tread with caution:

You will never get the 4 minutes and 57 seconds of your life back.

I thought the brotha was the next coming of Adebisi, not the Black version of Stan's dad from South Park, who had to kiss Jesse Jackson's ass to atone for his sins:


South Park - Apology To Jesse Jackson - The funniest videos clips are here

Is this all a result of Al Sharpton's call for the music industry to change denigrating lyrics? He's collecting thousands of bars of soap as symbols of the effort, so if you see Akon flashing some Ivory in the upcoming weeks, you know who to blame. And who really should apologize.

Isaiah Washington Can Learn A Lot From Dr. Doom

According to People, Isaiah Washington is so upset about being fired from Grey's Anatomy, he's speaking in 3rd person:

"I hope that everyone is happy for the outcome for Isaiah, but Isaiah will go on and do what I love to do."

The act of referring to oneself in 3rd person is also known as an Illeism.

If Isaiah decides to continue down this path, he'll be in great company.

How great?

I've created a list of the TOP 5 ILLEISMATICS OF ALL TIME:

5. JIMMY from Seinfeld
Jimmy only spoke illeistically ( "Jimmy's down! Jimmy's got a compound fracture! Jimmy's gonna get you, Kramer! Jimmy holds grudges!") and it was CONTAGIOUS:

• Jerry: I don't know how you can eat that spicy chicken.
• George: George likes spicy chicken.
• Jerry: What's that?
• George: I like spicy chicken.
• Jerry: No, no you said "GEORGE likes spicy chicken".
• George: No I didn't!
• Elaine: Yes you did. You said "George likes spicy chicken".
• Jerry: You're turning into Jimmy!
• George: (irritated) George is getting upset!!

4. THE ROCK
The Rock, when he was rasslin', would engage in illeisms "The Great One", "The Brahma Bull", "The People's Champion" before, during, and after he would "Layeth The Smacketh Down" on your candy ass. He would also utter an illeistic phrase "If you smell... what the Rock is cookin'!" after every promo for 5 years. He even had a best selling book entitled...what else? "The Rock Says..."


3. ELMO

"Lala-lala lala-lala Elmo's song. Lala-lala lala-lala Elmo's song. Me write the music, me write the words, that's Elmo's song."


Neither Dobby, of Harry Potter fame, nor Superman's nemesis Bizarro, can hold a candle to Elmo.

Elmo is an icon. Elmo influences preschoolers all over the world who want to be just like him. But there's a problem:

Elmo speaks in 3rd person.

Parents, who thought Sesame Street was a wholesome show which supported early education, fear that their children's grammatical abilities will be forever tainted by this little red monster...yet there is nothing they can do about it! And you thought Bert was Sesame Street's resident badass?

2. RICKEY HENDERSON
Baseball great Rickey Henderson wanted a trade, so he called San Diego GM Kevin Towers and left the following message: “This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.”

Also, according to therandomburrito, before every game he played, Rickey stood completely naked in front of a full length locker room mirror and chanted, “Rickey’s the best,” for several minutes.

Why is he higher than Elmo? Elmo inspires fear. Rickey inspires hate, loating, and a grammy nominated comedy album, which is more than Elmo can say about what Elmo inspires.


1. DR. DOOM
Nobody does it better. He, I mean Doom, puts the "ill" in illeism. Doom's been doing it for 45 years, and what sets him on a different level than punks like Dobby or wannabe's like Elmo? He has robots masquerading as Doom called "Doombots". Doom > Rickey because Rickey don't have robots...although I hear he's working on that...

Plus, Doom is a certified megalomaniac dictator to the country he rules, Latervia, and to the kid he adopted, Kristoff:

In your FACE, Rickey!

Isaiah Washington can learn a lot from Dr. Doom...
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Who do you think is the Illest Illeismatic?

Sopranos Creator Takes A "Journey" Of His Own

David Chase left the country prior to the airing of the Sopranos finale, in anticipation of viewer dissatisfaction.

By relieving himself on Sopranos fans with a horrid finale and avoiding accountability for it, Sopranos creator David Chase has become the R. Kelly of television. Now I know how Phil Spector, another victim of mitteration, must have felt.

As I search for answers to cope with the disrespect, I find myself looking at another show with much better writing: The Shield. And I realize that John Kavanaugh, played by Forest Whitaker, was Negrodamus after all...especially if you replace the word "Mackey" with "David Chase":

You can also find it here.

But there is a silver lining to this golden shower: Journey's dreams have become reality.

Oh, and there will be no Sopranos sequel:

"I think we've kind of said it and done it"

Yes, David, you most certainly have done it.

And Joseph K was correct: It must truly is better to give than receive...

Sopranos Finale: The Morning After

The morning after the Sopranos finale reveals a range of viewer reactions, from kudos to a whole lotta hate.

How much hate?

So much that the volume of hate traffic to the HBO web site brought the site down for a significant period of time according to Adotas. This is backed by Deadline Hollywood Daily which is even pissier about the premature fade-to-blaculation:

This is why America hates Hollywood. Unlike some network series that end abruptly because broadcasters pull the plug without warning, The Sopranos has been slated for years to go off the air tonight. But instead of carefully crafted, this finale looked like it had been concocted in a day or two.

I never thought I would be on the same page as Nikki Finke after her whole "blame Virginia Tech on OldBoy" stance (which I parodied here), but the Sopranos brought us together!

As far as the belief that the series finale was a moment of artistic zen, I maintain that Sopranos creator David Chase could’ve had a monkey eating a banana at the end of the episode and some folks would write about the ‘brilliance’ behind its ending.

If we want to figure out what Chase meant, I don't believe we have to look any further than minutes before the infamous diner scene. Paulie was tripping over the cat who was fixated on Chrissy’s photo. Tony's response?

Don’t read too much into anything or you'll miss out on life.

Another big F.U. from David Chase to the fans.

I guess we could follow his advice...

But where is the fun in that?

--------------

The morning after, where do you stand on the Sopranos season finale?

Deadwood Worth Canceling For John From Cincinnati?

So, David Milch, who created Deadwood, pitches John From Cincinnati to HBO, and they like the idea more than Deadwood. As a result, HBO cancels Deadwood,

I'm still pissed HBO canceled Carnivale because they were all hot for Deadwood, but that's for another post.

Now that you've seen John From Cincinnati, what's the dilly? Was it worth canceling Deadwood?

Reasons For The Horrid Sopranos Finale

Like many suspected, the Sopranos ended in the most unsatisfying manner experienced since St. Elsewhere was revealed to be the product of an autistic kid's imagination.

There are a few theories about the reasons for the B.S. ending:

1. Sopranos creator David Chase wanted to end the series a season ago. HBO didn't want him to. He relented, and this is his revenge;
2. David Chase wanted to end the series a season ago for a good reason: he ran out of gas...and could only muster the huge fart that was the series finale;
3. David Chase didn't want any sequels, so he created a craptastic ending in order to kill whatever desire Sopranos fans had left in the series;
   
4. Tony was whacked...he just didn't know it. This theory can be credited by poster moodyblue who wrote in a Courier-Post forum: Tony IS DEAD and WAS CLIPPED by someone. We the audience have always seen the episodes from Tony's point of view, and the blackened silence is what Tony sees and hears when he finally gets clipped. Remember the conversation with Bobby at the lake? "I wonder if you hear the one that gets you" - the final episode answers that question. That is why they flashed back to it at the end of last weeks episode. He never heard the one that killed him.

moodyblue has a point, but my money's on a combo of 1,2, and 3 (find the update, with new theories here).

What do you think?

UPDATE: Check out other entries on this topic including more theories the morning after and how Sopranos creator David Chase fled the country in fear of viewer outrage. Also create your own Sopranos ending here.

Isaiah Washington Is Mad As Hell, But What Is He Gonna Do About It?

It finally happened.

People reports that Isaiah Washington is gone from Grey's Anatomy.

I was ecstatic until I read this:

Howard Bragman, Washington's publicist, says Washington's option was not renewed, and released this statement from the actor: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more."

I initially felt fear for gays worldwide. I mean, isn't it bad enough that he went crazy on set and at the Golden Globes? If that wasn't "mad as hell", I don't know what is. I thought he calmed down by filming a PSA.

Then, I realized that the quote is from the movie Network, where news anchor Howard Beale responds to his firing by threatening to blow his brains out on national television. He later changes his mind, but engages in a rant which gets him a new show with stellar ratings. At the end of Network, television execs hire a group of terrorists from a rival show to execute Beale.

What is Isaiah Washington planning to do and why would he quote Network? Is he going to blow his brains out on national television or just engage in another hate filled rant?

Then I had my conspiracy cap on:

Imagine if ABC felt the need to "Network" Isaiah? Which ABC actor would they send to whack him? And, which actor would be desperate enough to accept the job? Who has a need to resuscitate their stalled career by showing allegiance to a network who can offer them a return to their 15 minutes of fame.

One ABC show came to mind:

LOST.

And one actor is ripe for the job to take out Isaiah if he gets too crazy...

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What do you think is Isaiah's next step? And if he gets too crazy (as if he isn't crazy enough), which "star" will they send out to ice him?

Paris Hilton's Hit List

Paris Hilton is free...and heads are gonna roll!

Yes, she's under house arrest, but house arrest didn't stop Pablo Escobar from running thangs!

Prison was like the Wizard of Oz for Paris Hilton. In the pampered world to which she was accustomed, being rich, slutty, and blond was enough. Faced with the cold, harsh reality of prison, she had to dig deep within herself. She found out that she always had a brain, courage, and heart. With Tinkerbell as her Toto, she will inflict pain and suffering on her foes...

WITH A VENGEANCE!

Don't believe me?

She entered jail Sunday night, and got out Thursday morning.

She didn't eat her hot dog for her Tuesday night meal because she knew real food was waiting a few days later.

Paris did get a visit from her shrink while in the can. Twice.

Remember The Sopranos last week? Criminal masterminds use shrink as practice.

Is this all coming together for you?

Well, if Paris has vengeance on her mind, she probably has a hit list like The Bride from Kill Bill.

She got out of jail twenty days early because she couldn't wait to whup on that ass.

Who's ass, you might ask?:

5. Warner Brothers. They dropped Paris from their record label. Paris will start a torrid file sharing campaign...and supply legal support for the upcoming RIAA lawsuits.

4. Motley Crue. The 'Jail Paris' petition drive will end up with Tommy Lee's dong cut off, battered, fried, and put on a stick like a Nathan's Corn Dog.

3. Madame Tussauds. Wax will burn for the effigy besmirching her sense of fashion.

2. TMZ. Paris coverage 24/7? They'll be working 24/7...after she buys them out, sends them overseas, and turns them into a sneaker sweatshop to destroy Fila Korea for suspending her ad campaign.

1. Sarah Silverman. Silverman capped on Paris during the MTV Movie Awards. Paris was overheard saying she hates Silverman. Paris has millions. Sarah has Jimmy Kimmel. Nuff said.

Who is safe? Niki Hilton, who supported her sister and George Clooney, who has pity for all of the unfair media attention she gets. Clooney, save your pity. After Paris Hilton is through, these guys will need all the pity you can muster!

Hell hath no fury like a Hilton scorned.

ThunderCats? NOOO!!!!

Before Transformers comes out and flops, Warner Bros is making a live-action ThunderCats Movie.

Is nothing sacred?

This kind of thing has been tried before, and I don't mean the Super Mario Bros Movie. It was something even more horrid: Masters of the Universe.

Masters of the Universe was based on the cartoon, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. As if it wasn't bad enough I had already wasted my allowance on the He-Man and She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword, theatrical release which was later shown on tv for free. Allowance that could've been spent on comic books. Comic books that appreciate in value and could have paid for my law school tuition! They had to rub salt in the wound and waste even more of my money with Masters of the Universe.

For those who didn't see any of the movies, I can sum the bastardization up with a brief comparison. The He-Man cartoon had a funny imp called Orko:

The Masters of the Universe movie had Gwildor: who looks like he contracted some intergalactic venereal disease:


I shudder to think about what they're going to do with Cheetara.

Akon Update: Give Me The Boy

Life continues to imitate OZ.

The Poughkeepsie Journal reports that Fishkill police, like OZ favorite Vern Schillinger, want someone to "bring them the boy" that Akon Gorilla Slammed at Sunday's WSPK sponsored KFEST.

Unlike Vern, who wanted to be brought boys to bugger, Fishkill cops want to question the kid to get his side of the story.

Apparently, two cops were present during the incident and didn't do anything...probably other than laughing their asses off.

Strangely enough, this occurred regularly in OZ as well. Stuff would happen around guards who weren't paid enough to bother. Hell, the cops at KFEST might've figured that if they did something, they'd have to leave the show and miss Akon's set. For all we know, Akon was the reason they went. And you can't get mad at them for that. It's not everyday you get to see Akon perform, much less slam a kid off a stage.

According to the article, WSPK General Manager Jason Finkelberg thinks people are overreacting to cool cat Akon:

“I don't think he intended malice on this guy. I think it was in the spirit of the show...He had another kid on stage dancing,” Finkelberg said. “He was taking pictures with kids in wheelchairs.”

Whether Akon was responsible for putting the kids in wheelchairs has yet to be determined.

NY Takes On Paris Hilton

Who said New Yorkers don't have caring hearts?

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in New York is all about authenticity. In wake of Paris Hiton's imprisonment, it has painted prison stripes on her wax statute. Find more pix here.

Not to be outdone, the NY Daily News notes that we will see a hirsute Paris when she comes out, since where beauty products, including tweezers, brushes, wax, hair spray, dye, and wigs are banned:

"She'll find she'll get pretty hairy," said Hollywood madam Jody (Babydol) Gibson, who served eight weeks in another L.A. County women's jail in 2000.

I strongly disagree. I mean, it's jail and she's rich. She can get anything she wants smuggled in there. Hello, it's a prison?!? Anyone who has watched "OZ", "Prison Break", or "The Sopranos" knows this, so why is the media turning a blind eye to it?

The Wall Street Journal Law Blog offers its help to Paris by quoting New York Divorce attorney Raoul Felder, who suggests that Paris avoid incidents with fellow inmates by keeping to herself, avoid flaunting her wealth (as it would attract dishonest inmates), and start knitting or sewing for her dog Tinkerbell and "create the next doggie-accessory craze."

Lastly, the NY Post encourages readers to download a postcard on their website with Paris' prison address pre-affixed. All you need is a stamp, folks.

Moments like these make me fall in love with New York all over again....

Adebisi LIVES...in Akon

My brother called me last year and was tripping:

"Adebisi is a singer!"

For the uninitiated, Simon Adebisi was hands down, the BADDEST dude on tv...EVER. On the HBO series OZ, Adebisi decapitated dudes, turned hetero guys into his personal sex slaves, turned the prison into his personal paradise, and had the nerve to videotape all his exploits.

I knew he meant the ACTOR who portrayed Adebisi, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. And although he was in Mary J. Blige's "Love No Limit", he was too busy being Mr. Eko on "Lost" to have a professional singing career.

After talking to my bro for awhile, I found out he confused Adewale for Akon. I can see how one could confuse Akon and Adewale in passing. Anyhoo, after doing a little research, I found out, like everybody else, that Akon had a criminal record, like Adebisi. Like Adebisi, he sold drugs. Little did I know that Akon would "handle" things much like Adebisi would.

He conned a girl on stage in Trinidad with promises of a trip to Africa. What did she get? A dry humping. Akon was conned himself: He thought security didn't let anyone under 18 in the club. She was 14. . Verizon didn't care. They dropped their sponsorship of his tour.

Months later, during a concert in Fishkill, Akon was opening his heart about how hard it was to adjust to living in the U.S. Akon shared his feelings of alienation as an African in America. What did he get in return? Some punk ass kid who threw a piece of plastic square in Akon's face.

Akon's response? He had security bring the kid to him. When the kid was brought on stage, Akon picked the kid up and tossed the kid off the stage with an Ultimate Warrior Gorilla-Press Slam.

You can see it for yourself here.





On OZ, Adebisi's character was killed off, so Adewale could film that great masterpiece "The Mummy Returns". Adebisi's "murderer" on the show, pacifist Kareem Said, claimed to be possessed by the spirit of Adebisi. After engaging in a number of uncharacteristic actions, Said proclaimed:

"Adebisi lives!"

Years after OZ was canceled, I knew Adebisi would resurface. Little did I know it would be in the form of an R&B crooner with cheesy ass songs.

Eh, I'll take whatever Adebisi I can get.

Kareem Said was right:

ADEBISI LIVES!!!

Paris Hilton: Eating For Your Benefit

People reports that at last night's MTV Movie Awards, Paris Hilton made a beeline for the buffet table, not pausing to greet fellow guests before sampling everything from mini egg salad sandwiches to caprese salad on toast and carrots.

Paris Hilton should have nothing to feel guilty about. Since Public Service Announcements are all the rage for celebrities nowadays, Paris can turn her public feasting into a positive.

Paris can have a Public Service Announcement of the TOFI variety, to warn about the absolute devastation breaking the law can have on one's perfectly starved figure:

Imagine Paris strutting down a paparazzi lined red carpet...to a buffet table filled with various fatty food items. She gorges herself while the paparazzi takes loads of shots. Fellow celebrities fail to contain their unmitigated horror: "For the love of all that's thin and holy, someone stop her!". But their cries are drowned out by Paris Hilton's frenzied feasting. After devouring everything in sight, including her pet poodle, she wails: "I USED TA BE SOMEBODY!"

And she'd have the mugshots to prove it:

F*** The Police!

Stewart Copeland, drummer of The Police, recently ripped into his band for sucking it hard during their reunion tour:

"This is unbelievably lame" he wrote of their recent performance in Vancouver, which was rife with tripping, miscues, and other synchronishitties.

Surprisingly, that's not what's really lame.

According to the NY Post, fifth row seats at their gig at MSG August 1st are going for $11,500 a ticket.

You can blame that on resellers, but that's not the lamest thing about The Police's tour.

Wheelchair bound fans can't get tickets for the Edmonton show online from Ticketmaster.

Maybe Ticketmaster is doing a humane thing: Creating obstacles to prevent the handicapped from attending a sucky, expensive show and feeling jipped.

That's what I thought until I found out that Ticketmaster has special seats for folks in wheelchairs available by phone...for an extra $130.

Either way, as much as Stewart Copeland thinks his band sucks live, he won't be refunding anyone's tickets.

Let the buyer beware!

Sexologist Quells Teletubby Attack

UPDATE: Tinky Winky is free to be himself in Poland!

Decades of Anti-Polish sentiment can now come to an end.

The Polish Government is backing away from its previous paranoid, homophobic attack on the Teletubbies. The reversal, according to Variety, is a result of a consultation with a sexologist.

And you thought sexology was a pointless pseudo science, filled with people talking about dongs all day long. Shame on you!

With the closing of this debacle and news that Paris Hilton is reading Zen Buddhist book "The Power of Now", the hunt for Jerry Falwell's replacement seems to be at a standstill.

Melinda Doolittle Performs

It's a slow Saturday, whick is why you have no excuse not to follow the link and check out Melinda Doolittle's June 1st appearance on The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, as she performs "Home" from The Wiz.

Melinda would make a great Dorothy with Sanjaya revisiting Michael Jackson's Scarecrow performance, Randy as the Cowardly Lion, Simon as the Tin Man and Paula as a flying monkey. And who would be The Wiz? Clive Davis, of course!

http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/melinda-doolittle-performs/

Lindsay Lohan and Isaiah Washington: One To Grow On

Say what you will about Isaiah Washington. But that brotha sure can act! Look at his conviction in the Public Service Announcement about the power of words. I wonder what word he could possibly be talking about? It's here.



Lindsay Lohan, on the other hand, can't keep from busting out laughing.

LindsayLohan - Don't Drink And Drive PSA
Uploaded by philcage

How in the world can she expect to be taken seriously as an Oscar contender if she can't do a PSA without laughing, fer Pete's sake?

You know who gets lost in this mess? Mr. T. He had a music video about treating your momma right. He sings, teaches, and grooves to the music WITHOUT CRACKING A SMILE.



A pessimist would argue that's because Mr. T is a better actor than Lindsay Lohan. Although Mr. T has more acting ability in his discarded Mohawk shavings than Lindsay Lohan, that isn't the point.

The point is, Mr. T BELIEVED in what he was saying, so there was no need for him to exercise any of his acting acumen. But don't cry for Mr. T. He ain't no fool to be pitied.