Paris Hilton's Hit List

Paris Hilton is free...and heads are gonna roll!

Yes, she's under house arrest, but house arrest didn't stop Pablo Escobar from running thangs!

Prison was like the Wizard of Oz for Paris Hilton. In the pampered world to which she was accustomed, being rich, slutty, and blond was enough. Faced with the cold, harsh reality of prison, she had to dig deep within herself. She found out that she always had a brain, courage, and heart. With Tinkerbell as her Toto, she will inflict pain and suffering on her foes...

WITH A VENGEANCE!

Don't believe me?

She entered jail Sunday night, and got out Thursday morning.

She didn't eat her hot dog for her Tuesday night meal because she knew real food was waiting a few days later.

Paris did get a visit from her shrink while in the can. Twice.

Remember The Sopranos last week? Criminal masterminds use shrink as practice.

Is this all coming together for you?

Well, if Paris has vengeance on her mind, she probably has a hit list like The Bride from Kill Bill.

She got out of jail twenty days early because she couldn't wait to whup on that ass.

Who's ass, you might ask?:

5. Warner Brothers. They dropped Paris from their record label. Paris will start a torrid file sharing campaign...and supply legal support for the upcoming RIAA lawsuits.

4. Motley Crue. The 'Jail Paris' petition drive will end up with Tommy Lee's dong cut off, battered, fried, and put on a stick like a Nathan's Corn Dog.

3. Madame Tussauds. Wax will burn for the effigy besmirching her sense of fashion.

2. TMZ. Paris coverage 24/7? They'll be working 24/7...after she buys them out, sends them overseas, and turns them into a sneaker sweatshop to destroy Fila Korea for suspending her ad campaign.

1. Sarah Silverman. Silverman capped on Paris during the MTV Movie Awards. Paris was overheard saying she hates Silverman. Paris has millions. Sarah has Jimmy Kimmel. Nuff said.

Who is safe? Niki Hilton, who supported her sister and George Clooney, who has pity for all of the unfair media attention she gets. Clooney, save your pity. After Paris Hilton is through, these guys will need all the pity you can muster!

Hell hath no fury like a Hilton scorned.