Rosie's View Replacement Has Massive Consequences

Rosie O'Donnell tried to exercise restraint before her tiff with Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View “(b)ecause here’s how it gets spun in the media: ‘Rosie, big fat lesbian loud Rosie, attacks innocent pure Christian Elisabeth,’ ”

Their tussle gave us insight into a war that many did not know was occurring. This is a war not about gay vs straight, Christian vs heathen, or loudness vs purity.

This is a war about fat people vs thin people.

Rosie O'Donnell's replacement will have huge ramifications on the war's outcome. Rosie's seat was previously held by Star Jones, who was given the boot after she lost weight. I know "the official story": Star was dropped for using the show to pimp product placement for her wedding. But that's not the point, especially if a rejected, skinny View wannabe pulls a Cameron Diaz and asks "Does Rosie's spot have a size requirement? Can't a skinny girl get some cake or cheddar too?"

And there's value in that question.

Just because a skinny girl doesn't eat, doesn't mean she doesn't need bread. Angelina Jolie needs dough, and laxatives, and a photo touch up, to look heroin chic without using heroin, according to Dr. Jeffrey Bronstein's analysis in the NY Post. She sure as hell doesn't use ex-lax, because she's too rich to go out like that.

If Rosie's replacement is Roseanne Barr, it could add more weight to the divide. And it would be a shame, because America is filled with people who are fat, skinny, and all sizes in between. Kathy Griffin, who is loud and obnoxious could be a bridge builder on The View. And we'd get around the fat vs thin ruckus, because we'd have someone right in the middle. The View would show that there isn't, nor should there be, an official dress size for America.

And this is a message that needs to get across.

Unfortunately, Captain America dead, so we have no American idol to...

...wait a minute...

Did I write American Idol?

We got one!

Jordin Sparks, a former plus size model, can be the one who makes a difference since she likes her curves:

"I'm really comfortable in my own skin," Jordin says with her signature wide smile. "I learned that I'm not ever going to be a size 2. I would look so weird as a size 2. Somebody would blow and I would fall right over. It just wouldn't be healthy."

Jordin Sparks can bring fat people and skinny people together. She's not fat, she's Amazonian. So, you see, American Idol strikes again!

The Producers handpicked Jordin because they knew war was on the horizon. They're British, after all, and saw the backlash against skinnies like Keira Knightley, Kate Moss, and Shilpa Shetty in their own country. It was only a matter of time before it hit the United States. Melinda had pipes, and was definitely not TOFI (thin outside fat inside), but she's not a plus size model.

And that's another reason why Melinda Doolittle was jerked.
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Where do you weigh in? And what about Nicole Richie's 100 lb weight requirement for her Memorial Day Party? How about the NY Post news story that fat people are more likely to die from using Ecstasy? And the European Union's attack on obesity?

Jordin Sparks' Official Bio Was FALSIFIED!

Last Thursday, numerous strands pointing to an American Idol conspiracy were pieced together on this very site. Jordin Sparks' victory and the surprise canning of favorite Melinda Doolittle was alleged to be the work of careful planning in an attempt to maximize ratings. Whether or not you believe the conspiracy is moot: Jordin Sparks is the American Idol. She has a great voice and would never lie to win the competition.

That's what we thought...

...until this morning!

MSNBC reports that Jordin Sparks had a vocal coach. What's the big deal?

That may come as a surprise to Sparks’ fans because on her official bio on the “Idol” Web site, when asked if she ever had formal training, Sparks answered, “No.”

Melissa Black, who was Jordin's coach for nine months, felt 'hurt' by not being acknowledged and having her work ignored.

People believed that Jordin was this vocal ingenue as opposed to the wily veteran Melissa Doolittle. This belief was furthered by the "I'm only 17" mantra that Jordin, the judges, and even Ryan Seacrest recited.

This affected voting.

Would Melissa Black, removed from American Idol history to further a secretly held conspiracy, burn with hatred as an unwitting pawn to Jordin Sparks' orchestrated march to victory?

“I’ve moved on, and I hold my head up high.”

If only I could move on.

But when I remember the golden voice of Melinda Doolittle, and remember the odds she's overcome, only to have victory taken away from her because of some producer's notion that an American Idol should have a prominent neck, I just can't. I just can't...
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What do think of the "oversight"? Who do you identify with: Melinda, Jordin, or Melissa?

Post American Idol Viewing Options

With American Idol wrapped up, viewers are scrambling for something to watch.

Two suggestions that have popped up are also signs of the apocalypse:

1. Cheddar cheese aging in real-time on cheddarvision.tv
2. Three contestants fight over a kidney on The Big Donor Show, a new reality television program.
   

You can watch a the real-time cheese aging on cheddarvision.tv.

C'mon. You know you want to...

It's no Sanjaya, but more entertaining than Barry Gibb or Gwen Stefani's performance with Akon. Speaking of Akon, how do you think show producers would have reacted if he pulled the stunt he did in Trinidad with the 15 year old, live on Fox? Melinda Doolittle would've had a heart attack.

As far as the The Big Donor Show is concerned, we have your friends at the AP:

During the show, Lisa (the kidney donor) will hear interviews with the three candidates, their families and friends before choosing who will get her kidney. Viewers will be able to vote for a candidate via SMS text message, but the final determination will be Lisa's.

The shocking plot twist?

There's no guarantee the winner will actually receive the organ, because there is no tissue compatibility screening prior to the contestant selection.

So, the contestants, hoping for a donation, might actually get nothing.

But wait, there's more!

The organ donor has cancer and it's possible that her organs might spread the cancer.

With a 'prize' like that, it makes you wonder what the runners up get.

Before we start the "man folks outside of the U.S. are backwards" bandwagon, let's look at our own reality history.

If a show which encourages young wimmenz to make out with Flavor Flav is legal in the U.S., should we be surprised that The Big Donor Show produced by Endemol NV, which created Big Brother and Fear Factor, is legal in another country?

According to Reuters, BNN the network airing the show on Dutch TV, has broadcast other reality TV shows, including one called "Shooting and Swallowing" illustrating the impact of drug use, and another show on sex called "This is How You Screw".

One question from this despicable attempt at ratings must be answered:

Why isn't BNN offered by my cable carrier?

UPDATE: Rosie O'Donnell Outrage

An update to the Rosie O'Donnell story:

There's a petition to get Elisabeth Hasselbeck fired from The View. You can find it here.

Where's Janette Barber's Legal Defense Fund for her political graffiti?

People need to get their priorities straight!

Tinky Winky: Eternal Scapegoat

Reuters reports that Poland's conservative government picked up the Jerry Falwell baton in an attempt to curb what it sees as homosexual propaganda via Tinky Winky and the Teletubbies.

For those who forgot, Falwell issued an alert in 1999 over Tinky Winky's homosexual ways. In particular, his color (purple) and triangle shaped antenna. Both features, Falwell believed, were homosexual codes transmitted to impressionable Christian children.

I always thought the antenna was a silent protest against the Pro-Life movement, since it looks like an upside down coat-hanger.

Falwell's color hysteria made sense, since he was a segregationist. Poland, on the other hand, is more progressive. They just care about Tinky Winky's purse:

"At first I thought the purse would be a burden for this Teletubby ... Later I learned that this may have a homosexual undertone."

The article notes that Polish Education Minister Roman Giertych has proposed laws sacking teachers who promote "homosexual lifestyle" and banning "homo-agitation".

What is 'homo-agitation'? If anything, I thought the Teletubbies were homo-relaxation.

And what's the big deal with a purse?

Felix the Cat had one, and no one called him gay.

Is it because of reverse racism?

Turns out that Ewa Sowinska, Poland's government-appointed children rights watchdog, is seeking psychological assistance, not for her paranoia, but in helping to save the minds of young children.

This isn't the first time a shrink was called to protect kids from evil. In 1954, Dr. Frederic Wertham made a quick buck by suggesting that comic books were responsible for juvenile delinquency. His book Seduction of the Innocent postulated that Batman and Robin was a homosexual fantasy.

Yeah, right...

Lindsay Lohan Is Turning Into Gollum

Lindsay Lohan, originator of the pantyless car exit, crashed her Mercedes in to a tree after a night of hard partying early Saturday morning and fled the scene. She was booked Saturday night on suspicion of driving under the influence (D.U.I.) Saturday night. What do investigators think she was influenced by? Cocaine found in her vehicle.

Contrary to popular speculation, her crazed behavior has nothing to do with Paris envy, bad parenting, or cocaine abuse. Lindsay Lohan is suffering from something far greater.

Take a look at her expression:
Does it look familiar? It should...
Lindsay Lohan's ridiculous behavior can be attributed to the fact that she's fiending for the Oscar, much like Gollum was fiending for the One Ring in Lord of the Rings.

And that fiending threatens her body, mind, and soul.

An article recently observed that you get "to be an Oscar-nominated actor" with "a little torture to the soul. It evidently worked for Joaquin Phoenix."

After a studio head went public with his frustration over Lindsay Lohan's partying ways during the filming of Georgia Rule, she probably freaked out when a reviewer compared it to Gigli, which effectively ended Ben Affleck's career and J.Lo hasn't fully recovered from:

Primarily, though, it's because Lohan's well-documented off-camera antics are such a distraction, as Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck's were, it's impossible to become engrossed in the film.

Lohan, confused by the negative press, probably took the assessment of Phoenix's Oscar fuel to heart: "Joaquin has great internal conflict on screen. He radiates torture, which is great, because what you want from actors is danger".

And who is stopping her?

Her Daddy Dearest wants her and her mother in rehab. Unless they can treat Oscar Fever, it would be pointless. She was already in rehab and it didn't work.

If someone helped Smeagol, he would have never turned into Gollum.

Someone needs to help Lindsay before she completes her turn.

More Fodder For The Conspriracy

People magazine adds another link to the Jordin Sparks conspiracy AKA Melinda Doolittle wuz jerked via Blake Lewis:

Many Idol watchers – including the judges – say that Lewis' fate was sealed by the final song, "This is My Now," an emotional ballad that clearly suited Sparks' powerful voice over beat-boxer Blake. Lewis agrees. "'This is My Now" is definitely not my style, a song I would never sing if I didn't have to," he says. "It fit [Jordin] like perfectly. And I honestly think they should have had two songs that were tailored to both of us, but I'm so happy with being second place."

Also, Lisa DeMoraes "pretty girl vs goofy guy" summation is granted greater credence from Blake as well:

"I love being goofy"

The American Idol Producers loved it too, Blake.

And as far as being a sell-out?

Asked which previous American Idol has a career that he would like to emulate, "None of them," says Lewis. "I want to set my own path."

Didn't I tell you he was a rebel? Rock on, Blake Lewis.

Shilpa Shetty: Closer To Justice

Fortunately, the BBC heard my plea to Free Shilpa Shetty.

If the BBC can apologize (sorry, it's British, so I'll try again)...

If the BBC can apologise for the horrid treatment of Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother, including referring to the actress as "Shilpa Poppadom"; another contestant saying that Shetty should "f*ck off" home; and a dispute over Shetty cooking a chicken, ending with housemates making abusive remarks about Indian eating habits, then surely the Indian Supreme Court should accept her motions in Geregate.

"Shilpa Poppadom" should not be confused with with Ultramagnetic MC's song Poppa Large...

Although referring to the svelte Indian Shetty as Poppa Large might make her believe that you're calling her a "fat black man".

That, in and of itself might not seem too bad, but it could set the stage for a legal trouble akin to what happened with Keira Knightley, who won a lawsuit against a newspaper who claimed she had an eating disdorder...and tried to blame her alleged anorexia for for the death of a 19 year old. I guess they don't know about TOFIs or how skinny beautiful women are persecuted. Just ask Cameron Diaz.

The Poppa Large confusion could raise another claim if it causes Shilpa to lose a suitor who beleives she's a dark, fat, black man instead of lightskinded...like the Indian guy who's arranged bride rebuffed him for being too dark.

The Indian Supreme Court needs to handle their country's color discrmination...after they help Shilpa first.

I mean, c'mon. She's been beaten, lonely, and abused! They gotta have their priorities straight, right?

It's Just A Mustache!

Page Six reports that Rosie O'Donnell's chief writer Janette Barber was escorted from her workplace at The View for drawing mustaches on Elizabeth Hasselbeck's photos. ABC Legal and Human Resources are investigating the matter.

We shook our heads at the outrage over the Muhammad cartoons last year and now, on U.S. soil, we persecute the good ol' mustache trick?

What other freedoms are going to be trampled upon?

If an internationally known Brooklyn graffiti artist is facing 14 criminal counts for his art crimes, who knows what they'll do to Janette Barber for defacing the photos of right-wing, dim bulb sweetie Elizabeth Hasselbeck?

Rosie should start a defense fund for Barber, ASAP.

Ron Paul was right, the only way to curb this ignorance is to start assigning reading lists, although I'm not too sure which books I'd have the folks at ABC read to understand the chilling effect censoring a mustache pen will have on our future...

Jordin Sparks Idol Conspiracy EXPOSED!

For decades, codebreakers scoured newspapers to decipher vast international conspiracies. With the advent of the Internet, it is possible to deconstruct massive media conspiracies by surfing the web.

Case in point?

Jordin Sparks was picked, packaged, and presented as the American Idol months before we knew she existed.

Don't believe me? Follow me on a journey which will have your head spinning and heart pumping. You will understand that Howard Stern was correct: Jordin Sparks' victory is a mass manipulation on a conspiratorial level unmatched since Jethro Tull won the heavy metal Grammy over Metallica.

(First, check yesterday's story on Howard Stern's theory, if you haven't already.)

One would think Howard was batty. That is, until one visited Tabloid Baby's article on Newsgasm revealing photos showing Jordin with Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson three years ago, even though they pretended not to know her when she auditioned.


Throughout the season, Jordin's mantra was "I'm Just 17 years old!", which as Lisa De Moraes notes, was what 'the show's three judges reminded viewers at every possible moment in the four-month-long competition.'

It's a marketing ploy which paid off, as every story covering American Idol mentions Jordin's age, and how she's the youngest idol EVER!

The marketing was burrowed in our brains by her duet with Blake Lewis covering The Beatles' "I Saw Her Standing There" which starts out with "She was just 17, you know what I mean..."

Blake Lewis, forever the rebel, wanted to spite the competition once he discovered the conspiracy:

After the show, Lewis told reporters backstage that he had pegged Sparks as the next "American Idol" weeks ago. "I feel great," he said. "I was trying to wear a 'Vote For Jordin Sparks' T-shirt last night but they wouldn't let me."

Who are the 'they' who wouldn't let Blake support Jordin? And how could 'they' convince Blake to prove his allegiance to 'them'? Did 'they' get to him? This isn't any mere mortal we're talking about. It's Blake Frickin' Lewis, who will beatbox his Jamiroquai all over your non-311 loving hindpots!

Perhaps 'they' were the puppetmasters pulling the strings on other Idol contestants in a story covered by TMZ:

"A.I." castoffs Antonella Barba, Haley Scarnato and Gina Glocksen are pretty clear as to who their pick to win "Idol" is... and it's not Blake Lewis. The three rejects have spent the last week asking all of their fans to vote for Jordin Sparks. The girls have posted bulletins non stop on each of their MySpace pages, urging readers to make Jordin the next "American Idol" winner.

Creepy enough for you?

There's even more...

A YouTuber believes that 'they' manipulated footage to boost Jordin's likelihood of winning and the video of Jordin's disappearing tears.

Evidence provided by Votefortheworst.com suggest the conspiracy of 'them' to increase Jordin's margin of victory was strengthened through the pro-life movement and Jordin's prominent anti-abortion stance, including appearing at anti-abortion rallies and having photos on her myspace account, courting the Christian Right.


What is the master plan?

There are three theories:

The first involves Capitalism:

'They' are American Idol producers who get money from exploiting Jordan Sparks. Jordin Sparks is young and cute. Tweens like her, and Tweens have more purchasing power than anyone else on the planet. And 'they' want to get Tweens money;

The second involves Politics:

'They' want to condition Americans to vote for Barak Obama as president, envisioned by Katherine Meizel:

I've been fantasizing about how the Season 6 lack-of-the-South upset might relate to the newly real potential of Barack Obama's presidential candidacy. Like our Top 2, he's not Southern; like Jordin, his family background is multiracial; and I think that if he were an American Idol contestant, he would probably wear sweater vests. Maybe the rise of Blake and Jordin is connected to the recent barometric shift in our political climate, away from the status quo and toward something, like Blake's beatboxing, more "contemporary." Or maybe it's just a singing competition after all.

(I have to note my continued befuddlement over the "beatboxing is contemporary" crap? Doug E. Fresh, the "original human beat box" (not to be confused with the Fat Boys Human Beat Box) performed "The Show" last night. Which was a hit...back in 1985!);

The third involves Religion:

'They' believe that America, no, the world, needs a Christian Idol after Bert, Cat Stevens, and Mickey Mouse converted to Islam.

And that Idol?

Jordin Sparks.

Whoever 'they' are, 'they' must be distraught since American Idol season finale ratings are down 19% from last year.

That's right, Taylor Hicks got higher ratings than Jordin.

'They' should have rigged the show to make the finals Sanjaya versus Melinda.

Oh, I fergot. According to Stern, that's what it would've been if 'they' didn't tinker with the results in the first place.

See what happens when you try to play God, 'they' who run American Idol?

Yes, Virginia, Melinda Doolittle WAS Jerked!

Howard Stern was right. American Idol is rigged.

Last week, after Melinda Doolittle, the best singer in American Idol, lost to a beatboxer, we're all supposed to believe that American Idol is about singing, not perceived entertainment value, looks, or anything else.

Really?

That's what the judges kept on saying last night, as if last week didn't happen.

Or, as if American Idol had blind auditions, like orchestras fighting sexism or Bam Bam Flintsone, with contestants singing behind a screen.

Fortunately, one critic, Lisa de Moraes, didn't let them off the hook:

"Once again the final night of "American Idol" competition pits a goofy, likable guy with a crowd-pleasing schtick and not so much of a voice against a pretty young woman with a big, gorgeous voice but not so much entertainment value. No, not Taylor Hicks vs. Kat McPhee. That was last year. No, not Bo Bice vs. Carrie Underwood. That was two years ago."

The formula of goofy guy vs pretty girl means higher ratings for American Idol. Since this is the third season in a row where the final showdown has that formula, we're supposed to believe it's coincidence?

That ain't no coincidence! It's a fix!

Remember what I posted a few days ago:

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

What was the refrain last night?

American Idol is just a singing competition.

It would be one thing if Melinda was the only person to lose against an inferior singer. But what about Sanjaya's dominance? What about LaKisha Jones losing out to Blake?

Doesn't mean a thing. American Idol is just about singing.

If Flavor Flav faced off against Brad Pitt in the finals of the "Sexiest Man Alive" competition, do you think we'd let the judges get away with the same crap they tried to pull last night, if a week earlier Flav beat Johnny Depp?

Check out what American Idol Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe said:

"I'm delighted. I think it's the uniqueness of Blake and the actual growth of Jordin. Melinda and LaKisha (Jones) started off as front-runners, and I think Jordin overtook them. From the show's point of view, having two girls in the final wouldn't have been as strong as a boy and a girl."

Before last night's episode, Simon noted in the same article that the contest tune is "going to be harder for Blake to sing. It's more of a ballad."

Then why didn't the Producers level the playing field and pick a song that would work for Blake AND Jordin?

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

Any notion that American Idol is just a singing competition should have been destroyed on April 21, 2004 when Jennifer Hudson, LaToya London and Fantasia were in the bottom three. A few weeks later, Jasmine Trias stayed and London was voted off. Karma allegedly rectified things when Fantasia won.

But what about last season? Would Taylor Hicks have won because he was a better singer than Elliot Yamin, Chris Daughtry, and Katherine McPhee?

Millions of people, week after week, 'voted' for Taylor Hicks. In the finals, Hicks received over 31.7 MILLION VOTES, but only 667,000 of those people bought his album? And don't tell me that his mama bought all the copies.

American Idol executive producer Nigel Lythgoe concedes that the voters' choice isn't always the consumer choice, as seen in Hicks' record sales next to Daughtry's.

I ask you, is 'voter's choice' responsible for Melinda losing or is it the fact that Blake would be easier competition for a contestant the producers think they can make more money from?

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

Where is the outrage?

Where is the concern?

Where is the support for Melinda Doolittle?

I forgot.

We're lazy.
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Do you believe that the fix is on? Or is the 'boy vs girl' competition for the third year in a row a natural occurrence?

Paris Hilton: The Next Jerry Falwell?

Through the magic of photojournalism, TMZ reveals what many have hoped for and others have feared: Paris Hilton has found religion.

Do you know what this means?

With Jerry Falwell's death, there's a void.

And Paris will fill it.

She was raised Catholic, but so was Martin Luther. And look what he did.

In fact, any deceased spiritual leader would trade places with Paris Hilton. In a heartbeat.

Don't believe me? Pick a dead spiritual leader and we'll conduct a seance right now and ask him/her/it "Would you switch places with Paris Hilton?".

But you won't conduct a seance, because you know that everyone wants to be like Paris. Lazy eye and all.

She didn't wait for incarceration to begin her work, she's studying now. She thought she'd have 45 days, but is only going to get 23. But don't worry, Paris will make due.

What are her religious plans?
Which denomination will she follow?
What does she have in store for us?

Who knows!

Just keep her away from Bert.

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What do you think is Paris Hilton's plan? Do you think she even read the Bible?

The Real Victim in the Galilea Montijo Scandal

For the past couple of weeks, there's been a scandal taking place on this here Internet involving a former reality show competitor, pornography, and the classic question of "is it or isn't it": Galilea Montijo.

Months ago, the subject of this query was Antonella Barba of American Idol fame. Antonella Barba was a contestant on American Idol with a voice so bad, even Paula Abdul bemoaned her success. Week after week, Antonella stayed on the show not because of her voice, but because she was hot. Antonella Barba was the first poster child for Votefortheworst.com over Sanjaya, since she had (ahem) less talent than Sanjaya. What made matters worse was a scandal involving Girls Gone Wildesque pictures of Antonella. The controversy was monumental because it was the first time most heterosexual men would call in to vote on American Idol numerous times to keep a contestant on air.

Their hope? If the photos surfacing were getting sluttier by the week, who knows WHAT would eventually pop up.

And pop up they did.

The only problem?

They weren't Antonella Barba.

Antonella took slutty photos, but the SUPER slutty picks were of someone who looked like her.

The controversy was so bad, even Simon gave her a supporting shout out on air. Whether Simon was one of the heterosexual males who was hoping for more was never confirmed.

Fast forward a few months later and enter Galilea Montijo.

A former winner of Big Brother Mexico, she went on to appear in a number of television shows. A sex tape popped up and the Internet went ABLAZE!


And it's still on fire.

Some people say the 'star' in the sex tape isn't Galilea Montijo.

Others say it isn't even a Mexican, but none other than Monique Fuentes, Colombian porn star:

What really bothers me about this, is the fact that people can't tell the difference between Mexicans and Colombians.

It's an outrage.

And it's the biggest scandal since Brucesploitation: The explosion of Bruce Lee impostors capitalizing on his image after his death to make a buck.

Brucesploitation was worse than Elvis impersonation, because I didn't waste $5 back in the day watching a phony Elvis in Enter The Game of Death, thinking it was a Bruce Lee movie and getting Bruce Le instead.


Or watching Return Of The Tiger with Bruce Li.


Hell, Elvis didn't ruin my hopes with Bruce Lee Fights Back From The Grave.

It was Bruce K.L. Lea.


Damn you, Bruce K.L. Lea, wherever you are! I was a just a kid and watched your crap movie instead of the Washington Redskins v. Dallas Cowboys football game! Of course, since I missed the game, the Redskins lost and, like every other kid, I thought that the Redskins would lose if I didn't watch them play.

I blamed myself. And it took me years to realize it wasn't my fault.

In wake of my little rant, let's not forget the real victims in scandals involving fakery:

The fans.

Out there, somewhere, there is a Galilea Montijo fanboy. Although there are plenty of other naked women in pornos he can ogle, he has his mind set on sweet Galilea.

And now?

His dreams are crushed.

And a little of us dies as well.

Oh, Adobe photoshop! Curses on your developers for playing your tawdry games!
----
Where do you stand on celebrity fakes? And were you tricked by Brucesploitation? Which 'sploitation do you have some 'spaining to do?

Was Melinda Doolittle Robbed?

It was only a matter of time.

People like to talk about disfranchisement of Florida voters in the 2000 elections.

Folks raged.

Al Gore punked out.

Bush became president.

Stacey Stillman, loser in the first season of Survivor, sued CBS claiming that the producers arranged her exit and orchestrated the show's outcome.

Jim McAllister rigged the vote against Tracy Flick in the movie Election. Tracy cried her poor eyes out, but justice was served. In the end, she got the presidential crown she greatly deserved.

Was Melinda Doolittle a victim of similar skullduggery?

According to Howard 100 news, American Idol lied about the results to get rid of Melinda Doolittle:

The show decided to switch horses at the last minute...Blake Lewis was allegedly scheduled to be told to go home last night, until Idol producers changed their minds. Our source claiming Simon Cowell allegedly said quote “F--- Howard Stern,” and added that the Idol result last night would be the opposite of what Howard 100 News reported. All of which might explain the strange subdued mood on American Idol last night.

Not only did they make that allegation, Howard 100 went a step further and purports that in 6 seasons only two American Idol’s have been picked by the viewing public.

The source claims that this season, producers of the show had allegedly decided to go straight, to let viewer votes decide the winner, but panicked when Howard Stern and VotefortheWorst.com backed Sanjaya. The show then reverted back to picking the winner, according to our source. The source claims Sanjaya was running away with the competition, until producers decided to take back control and throw him off the show in spite of Sanjaya’s alleged vote victories.

Yes, it all goes back to Sanjaya.

I told you he was supposed to win!

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

Is this just a rumor?

Melinda did seem subdued.

And what about her t-shirt?



It says "Death Cheaters". Is it a message? Did she really mean "death to the cheaters"? Who are the cheaters she's referencing? The producers who rigged the vote?

Here's the shirt in full:

(you can find them here).

Get your conspiracy caps on!

Did American Idol producers rig the results to spite Howard Stern?
Was Melinda Doolittle's choice of garb a product of knowing she was going to be wronged?
Will producers go with the alleged original plan: Jordin Sparks as YOUR American Idol?
Or, since the cat is out of the bag, will American Idol producers flip the script and have Blake Lewis win?

This is nothing new. Back in the 50's, Quiz Shows were the rage. Sponsors and producers realized that keeping popular contestants on the show would increase ratings and revenue.
So they rigged the results. When bitter, loser contestants ratted, the ratings dipped.
Congress soon got involved and passed laws regulating game shows. Quiz Shows disappeared for decades, but they're back. And people are still complaining (for more on Quiz Show scandals, click here.)

Until American Idol releases the results, people will claim it's rigged. Hell, even if the results were released, people will still claim it's rigged.

As for me?

I look at that great source of nerd inspiration, The Matrix, for guidance:

"You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy, and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss."

Like Cypher, instead of raging against an illusionary construct...instead of turning my back on the show...

I'm gonna watch.

Blake and Jordin may not be as juicy and delicious as Cyber's steak, but watching Blake's horrid beatboxing and Jordin's awkward gesturing while screeching through a song, sure as hell beats watching NCIS!
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Do you think American Idol is rigged? Does it matter? Would Sanjaya have won?

In Search of the Magical Hood

Jaslene Gonzalez won America's Next Top Model and proclaimed:

"I'm the Latin spice here. I'm not your girl next door but I'm your girl down the block in your hood."

Ain't nobody in my hood, current and past hoods included, look like that.

This, along with J.Lo's assertion that she's just your average girl from the hood has me perplexed.

We got LaKishas. We got women who look like Selena's killer, and, if the neighborhood is getting gentrified, Rosie O'Donnell, but TOFI superstars like Jaslene and J.Lo? Hell to the no! (a primer on TOFIs can be found here)

You're more likely to find a guy dressed in a bee outfit like Jerry Seinfeld at Cannes.


Where is this magical hood, filled with popstars and models?

The closest I can think of is Paradise Island AKA Themyscira, where Wonder Woman lives.
It's filled with honeys.

Amazon honeys.

The only catch? Man can't step foot on it.

A friend of mine, back in the day, thought Paradise Island was in Los Angeles:

"It's like all of the best looking girls from every American high school moved there. For real. I went to school in Iowa. When I visited LA last week? I saw her. She moved there a year ago!"

George Costanza found a 'forbidden city' just like Paradise Island, when he used a photo of Jerry's 'man hands' amazon. He had access until he lost the picture and got kicked out. When he returned, the city vanished.

Maybe the magical hood, like George's forbidden city and Wonder Woman's Paradise Island, exists, but we just don't have the appropriate ghetto pass.

No wonder some rappers say they'll never leave the projects.

Maybe the 'projects' they're referencing is actually the magical hood.

Can you blame them for staying?
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Have you been to the magical hood? Why are Black and Latina TOFIs so quick to claim the hood, while White TOFIs rarely claim the trailer park?

Melinda Doolittle, Victim of Laziness

Since Melinda Doolittle was voted off American Idol last night, folks are scrambling for reasons why the most talented, consistent performer isn't going to be in the finals.

One reviewer from the Washington Post theorizes:

Everything about Jordin and Blake seemed younger -- they are younger, truth be told -- and it's a truism that America worships youth.

Do Americans worship youth?

If you look at the top grossing movies for 2007, according to Box Office Mojo, all of the top 5 movies have old farts in them:

1	Spider-Man 3
2	300
3	Wild Hogs
4	Ghost Rider
5	Blades of Glory

Spider-Man has been around since the 60s.
300 = Old Spartan farts.
Wild Hogs has an ensemble cast of old farts.
Nicholas Cage. Nuff said.
Will Ferrell = funny old fart.

If we worshipped youth, how do you explain the M.I.L.F. phenomenon?

How do you explain old as dirt Taylor Hicks beating the younger Katherine McPhee in last season's American Idol finale?

And how do you explain my broke ass, raggedy 65 year old neighbor still pulling honeys?

Something else is afoot.

I, like many others, stopped voting for Melinda weeks ago because she seemed to be a shoo in. There wasn't a sense of urgency to make sure her old (by American Idol standards) ass passed to the next round.

Once Chris Richardson and Sanjaya lost, the tween vote went to Blake.

And tweens are rabid.

Look at the footage from last night. The crowds for Blake and Jordin were buckwild. Melinda's fans, on the other hand, looked like paid extras and family members of the American Idol camera crew...much like that weird, fat, hairy guy in all of the American Idol Ford commercials.

If you really want to know how we are, let's look at some recent events:

We know that gas shouldn't be $4 a gallon...
We know that Michael Buble shouldn't have the #1 album of the week...
We know that Richard Gere shouldn't be persecuted for making out with a hot Bollywood actress...

And what do we do about it?

Not a goddamn thing!

So, I ask you again, is the reason why Melinda Doolittle lost because Americans worship youth?

Nope. We're just lazy.
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Why do you think Melinda was voted off last night? And, who the hell is buying Michael Buble's album?

MLK = Bob Marley = R. Kelly?

Page Six has an awesome quote from a new interview with R. Kelly in Hip-Hop Soul Magazine:

"My greatest competition is, well, me . . . I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now."

And I agree with the "R", if we break down what he's trying to say.

I only disagree with him limiting his greatness to Black heroes instead of other noteworthy luminaries such as Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and Chuck Norris. It is troubling, as his issue knows no racial boundaries.

MLK, Ali, and Marley challenged peoples pre-conceived notions.

To the average racist of the 60's, the thought of little black children and little white children holding hands was horrific. Martin Luther King brought that image to the forefront of American consciousness. Now, we have MLK day as a national holiday.

To the average racist of the 60's, the thought of a outspoken athlete was abominable. Muhammad Ali brought that image to the forefront of American consciousness. Now, we applaud Ali as a pioneer and welcome outspoken athletes like Charles Barkley.

To the average racist of the 70's, the thought of a profound poet from Jamaica was inconceivable. Bob Marley brought that image to the forefront of American consciousness. Now, TIME Magazine calls Bob Marley's Exodus record the greatest album of the 20th century.

What R. Kelly means to humanity, quite honestly, has nothing to do with race.

To the average, sane, well-adjusted, socially responsible, resident of the 21st century without a criminal record, the thought of a person peeing on anyone, much less and underage girl, is repulsive. Yet, R. Kelly still sells albums with allusions to his impropriety. Some of us have learned to block it out when we're buying his records, grooving to his jams, or reading about his tribute to Virginia Tech.

No one has quite distinguished themselves as much as R. Kelly has in human mitteration.

His case has been dragging for years, and, who knows? Maybe it will finally take place before global warming causes glaciers to wash away life as we know it, much like R. Kelly's golden showers threatened to drown out his career.

But that's just a nagging detail.

In the interim, let's all pour a few drops in honor of this noteworthy pioneer.
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Do you think R. Kelly is worthy? What "icons" are more appropriate for him? And when do you think he's going to trial?

Sanjaya and Drag Queens...This Soon?!?

If Sanjaya had to compete against these drag queens, he'd be TOAST.

I didn't think he'd run out of his 15 minutes so quickly!

Somehow, being a contestant on 'I Love New York' Season 2 doesn't seem that farfetched!

You can find the video here.

Forget Paris, Free Shilpa!

According to Reuters, India's Supreme Court has suspended all legal proceedings against Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty in Geregate. Apparently, the petitioner who filed against her is upset that she didn't resist Richard Gere's obsene act.

You know. Wanting to make out with a hot woman.

Gere has apologized to Shetty on a daily basis for the real, yet understandable, crime: Being Jealous of Richard Tiffany Gere.

The next step for Shetty is filing a motion which would enable her to leave the country without being groped...I mean stopped...by cops.

They need to leave this poor woman alone. She already went through hell trying to show support for circus animals with Peta. An experience which she says left her uncomfortable in a small cage:

“But what were a few fleeting moments of discomfort for me compared to what life must be like for the precious animals held captive in the circus? These once dignified animals only leave their cages, which are barely larger than the size of their bodies, for a few minutes each day to be forced into the ring to perform tricks which make no sense and are upsetting to them"

Like circus animals, the Gere 'Shall We Dance' re-enactment was upsetting and made no sense to Shetty.

Why should she continue to be persecuted?

Bobby on Osama, Gays, and Comedy

Some people run with the bulls.
Others wrestle alligators.
ITV's Jamie Campbell chose to risk his life by spending 24 Hours With...Bobby Brown (check the video).

A casual observer would be outraged, but the casual observer didn't have his show canceled, lose parental custody, or Osama Bin Laden on they ass:

"He wanted to have me killed because he was in love with Whitney. He wanted to marry Whitney and make her one of his wives. That's some s**t. I'm still on my guard. The most wanted man in the world wants (me) dead."

Yes, Osama Bin Laden wants Bobby Brown dead.

Since Bobby has increased his security in response, who knows how Osama will try to "touch" him.

Will he deploy Bert? Farfur? Cat Stevens?

Let's hope he hasn't reached New Edition.

Bobby may be able to handle his own against one of them, but against all five?

He doesn't stand a chance.

It would be a N.E. Heartbreak quite different than the one alluded to in the New Edition song:

N.E. heartbreak is coming to your town
Beware of N.E. heartbreak
Spreading fast and there's no cure
No need to run from heartache
It's gonna get you, get you for sure

Watch out during that reunion tour, Bobby!
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Which New Edition member do you think Osama will deploy against Bobby Brown?

Beckham, Olsen, Richie: Hidden Fatties?

Victoria Beckham, The Olsen Twins, and Nicole Richie may look thin to you, but they might be fat messes.

Internally, that is.

According to a London study, a large number of thin people that diet are TOFI's (Thin Outside, Fat Inside) and have major deposits of internal fat, even if they appear slim.

The report asserts that a sumo wrestler is more likely to be internally thin than your favorite skelebrity, because a sumo's fat is stored under the skin, not streaking through vital organs and muscles.

That's right.

A sumo wrestler is thinner than Nicole Richie was when she was gorging on junk.


One wonders how many other skelebrities are really porkers...on the inside.

This should be good news for Cameron Diaz, who wants to be treated like a 300 pounder, instead of being persecuted for being thin:

"If a woman who's a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average."

Maybe Cameron is 300 pounds inside, but just doesn't know it.

Who do we blame? According to a recent study, fathers are responsible for obesity in children.

So Bobby Brown was correct on his show 'Being Bobby Brown', when he said Bobbi Kristina was big because of him.


Poor Bobbi Kristina.

More shocking? A new poll shows that parents are more concerned that their kids are fat than whether their kids get knocked up, shot/beat up at school, or stalked by on-line pedophiles.

Maybe that's why Alec Baldwin screamed at his daughter for being a pig. He, like the parents polled, cares more about weight than abuse and neglect.

What the hell is he and the other parents going to do when they find out that they're kids might be TOFI?

Let the madness begin!
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Who do you think is TOFI? How about Hollywood 'fatties' who are FOTI?

First Cat Stevens, Then Bert, Now Mickey?

Militancy. The new Black.

First, mild mannered Cat Stevens, writer of songs like 'Moonshadow' and "Peace Train' became Yusuf Islam and called for Salman Rushdie's head:


Then, peaceful curmudgeon Bert dropped Ernie to hang with Osama and become poster child against the West:

Now Mickey gets militant and hosts a Hamas kiddie show:

The show is broadcast throughout the Gaza Strip on Hamas' Al-Aqsa TV station, telling children to strive for "world leadership under Islamic leadership." They sing songs with lyrics like "We will destroy the chair of the despots, so they will taste the flame of death."

Captain America gets killed and now the world has gone to hell.


Was it worth it, Marvel Comics?

Now is the time for Obama to put aside his differences and protect his Cousin Pookie from becoming yet another victim of militancy's hard, yet alluring embrace.