Cutting Alec Baldwin Some Slack

Last week, I got all preachy about Alec Baldwin calling his daughter a "thoughtless little pig". After reading Kiros' comment, I took a long, soulful look back to my youth.

At 11 or 12, whatever the age is, as Mr. Baldwin put it, you do some pretty thick headed things. I sure as hell did when I was that age and got called names much worse than "thoughtless little pig" in addition to getting whipped.

Before you get all ridiculous, realize that although Alec Baldwin lost his cool, he isn't that bad when you put things in context.

How bad, you ask?

Here's a list of Celebrity Parental Behavior more notorious than Alec Baldwin's:

Scary Spice naming her kid after Eddie Murphy...if the vasectomy rumor is true/Eddie Murphy...if the baby is his. See Dr. J.

Michael Jackson's parenting skills. Start saving for the therapy now.

Gary Coleman's parents pimped him out and took his money.

Joan Crawford beat her kid with wire hangers.

Joe Simpson's ranting about Jessica Simpson's Double D's and other...behavior around his daughters.

Britney Spears' car seat fiasco and pantyless antics. However, Britney didn't learn her bad parenting through Paris Hilton. She was influenced by the original 'clubbing while kids are home' kingpin.

Doctor Doom adopted a kid named Kristoff, who suggested that he team up with another supervillan. Doom's response? Choking the hell out of Kristoff! We're not going to comment on the crazy things Kristoff must've seen around Daddy Doom...

Darth Vader chopped off the hand of his son, Luke Skywalker.

Aerosmith's Steven Tyler getting "custody":

The 27 year front mans eye was caught by a 14 year old girl named Diana Hall. The pair fell in love and Tyler moved her into her Boston apartment so that they could be together- but only after Halls parents signed her over to Tyler as her guardian.

And the worst?

In the American Idol prelim round, Momjaya brazenly stating on national television that her daughter is better than Sanjaya. Clearly he is superior performer.

He is, after all, Sanjaya.

So what possibly did she mean? That he doesn't smoke enough weed? Another note for the weed watch:

See? Alec isn't that bad after all, is he?

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Were we too harsh on Alec Baldwin? What bad celebrity parenting did we miss?

Captain America: Dead and Loving It!

Captain America, unlike Tupac, Biggie, and Jim Morrison has returned from the dead.

Unless you've been under a rock, you'd know that Captain America was murdered by a sniper in March.

I would say he got assassinated, but that depends on the interpretation.

If we perform a Chris Rock analysis, maybe his ass just got shot:

When we got no leaders, when something happens we make (things) bigger than it is. It's big, but don't make it bigger than it is. I'm watching the news, and like, 'Tupac Shakur was assassinated. Biggie Smalls, assassinated. Struck down by assassin's bullets.' I'm like, 'No, they wasn't!' Martin Luther King was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two n***** got shot.

So, did Captain America get assassinated or shot?

CBS refers to Cap's death as a result of a struggle between national security and civil liberties.

ABC called it an assasination.

(Un)Fortunately, the question is moot.

Captain America is ALIVE.

Not flesh-eating zombie "alive":

Not doing a duet on American Idol with Celine Dion "alive".

Not on an island like Tupac "alive".

Good ol' Cap was busted with a burrito in his pants, groping women and getting his drink on.

Tupac, Kurt Cobain, Elvis, Biggie and tons of other dead guys could learn a lot from a true "dead" American hero.

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How could Biggie, Tupac, or Elvis top Captain America's performance? What do you think is next for Cap?

Richard Gere: Sexual Trailblazer

When you hear the words "sexual trailblazer", who do you think of?

Al Kinsey?

Nerd.

Sigmund Freud? Punk ass.

Elvis?Poseur.

Madonna?
Oh, Hell to the No!

THE Sexual Trailblazer?

Richard Tiffany Gere.

The recent Indian furor with Shilpa Shetty may seem out of character for a humble Buddhist, but behind that facade lies a man who has taken sexual issues and shoved it in the face of prudishness.

In Looking for Mr. Goodbar, he played a jealous and possessive playa-playa.
In American Gigolo, he was the first major Hollywood actor to engage in full frontal nudity.
Pretty Woman brought prostitution to the mainstream...in a Disney movie!

Elvis and Madonna may have had envelope pushing controversies in the past, but what did they do last week?

Elvis came back from the dead to sing with Celine Dion.
Madonna visited Malawi.

Richard Gere, on the other hand, was chilling on The Daily Show cracking jokes while he's facing arrest in India.

Richard Gere may be wanted in India for "transgressing all limits of vulgarity", but he's not afraid. He's been here before. And if he can face the wrath of Rambo and the scorn of society through a vicious gerbil rumor, he can weather this storm.

Best believe that.

Sanjaya Weed Watch

Defamer analyzes Sanjaya's claim that he isn't gay in a People article.

The reason why he's so fey?

He UNDERSTANDS women:

Malakar, whose parents divorced when he was 3, says his ease with women comes from being close to his mom and his sister, Shyamali, who were his biggest influence growing up in Seattle.

The casual observer might find that sweet and endearing.

But it isn't.

TMZ notes that the National Enquirer uncovered a Pierce County, Washington police report finding 310 marijuana plants in the Malakar family garage. They have the mug shot of Momjaya and the charging doc up.

His sister Shymali allegedly kept watch with a bag of weed and drug paraphernalia.

Why should we worry?

Sanjaya is still a teenager, and according to Focus Adolescent Services, teenagers at risk for developing serious alcohol and drug problems include those who have a family history of substance abuse, who are depressed, have low self-esteem, and who feel like they don't fit in or are out of the mainstream.

Given the family's alleged drug love, Sanjaya's not fitting in/being mainstream, and having a bad time last week, Desissified is starting an official "SANJAYA WEED WATCH" to make sure he doesn't fall victim to the vice that plagued his two biggest inspirations.

I'm sure someone is on a Sanjaya watch for another faux pas committed by his sister:


Fortunately, I ain't gonna be on it. Someone else can take up SANJAYA NEKKID GUITAR PLAYIN' WATCH.
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Do you think Sanjaya is an "at risk teen"? What are you willing to do to help in the Weed Watch?

Post Sanjaya Depression

Is it just me or was American Idol boring without Sanjaya? I was really bummed...until I saw THIS

In Defense of Little Pigs

After Alec Baldwin went off on his daughter and called her a "thoughtless little pig", a lot of people didn't realize how insulting the remark was not just to his daughter, but pigs as well.

Pigs are one of the smartest animals on the planet. And, according to the PBS Nature program "The Joy of Pigs" they're actually more complex than most people think:

"To pig farmers, the animal is a commodity. To truffle harvesters, pigs are reliable hunters whose keen sense of smell locates these pricey fungi. To scientists, pigs are unique as one of the only large mammals that exists, in one form or another, in every part of the world. "

It is the Year of the Golden Pig and Chinese Astrologists believe that's a good thing:

It is said that children born under this sign will live in comfort as wealth and luck are always near. The Fire Pig is known to have traits of wealth, prosperity, luck and fertility

As a result, there is a baby boom in China. People are flocking to have little pigs of their own, unlike Alec Baldwin, who is unhappy with his.

In addition, the Year of the Golden Pig, which comes once every sixty years, should yield financial prosperity and marital bliss.

It's not just the Chinese who like pigs. Pigs have been celebrated in our culture, from Charlotte's Web to Piglet to Babe.

However, some pigs have a dark side to them:

"They're as curious as they are clever, and can be destructive as they explore", says Brenda Coe, adjunct assistant professor of animal science. "And they need a lot of space. Market hogs are sold at around 250 pounds for slaughter, but can reach 600 to 700 pounds. Though many people are happy owners of potbelly pigs, she adds, these much-smaller animals can sometimes be aggressive."

One wonders what an analysis of Alec Baldwin would yield.


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What is your assessment of Alec Baldwin vs the noble pig?

Beards

A topic that has fascinated many involves women who turn out to be beards. Much has been written about the difficulty of being "out" in our repressed culture, but so little has been said about the female follicles.

Many beards go unshaven. There is little transition from a full beard to a goatee, so it's a troublesome topic to pin down. So many people assume that just because a guy is hot, he must be gay. The most popular target is Tom Cruise.


Another guy who gets the rumor is John Travolta.


However, one doesn't have to be hot in order to run victim to allegations of marrying a woman in order to disguise one's homosexuality. The most public victim of rumor and innuendo is David Gest, a man who is anything but hot.


These men, hot or not, are just subjects of speculation.

One man who isn't: former NJ Governor Jim McGreevey. Although he came out, many wondered whether his wife, Dina Matos McGreevey, knew or not.

Now we have an answer.

According to a NY Post Exclusive, knew that her husband was gay before they got married:

"As far as I know, she never really confronted anyone about it, she just kinda let it slide," one source said.

In her book "Silent Partner", Dina Matos McGreevey notes that after her husband officially came out, he told her "You have to be Jackie Kennedy today," and if she stayed at the governor's mansion until the last minute it would make her "look like white trash.

In wake of all this McGreevey news, there is one man who might be feeling the heat more than anyone else in America:

Save Sanjaya from Britney!

It's bad enough that Sanjaya was booed at a Dodgers-Padres game, got the boot from American Idol, and was slammed by a panel of industry experts in USA Today.

But the worst thing that could happen to his career is looming. A threat that would destroy his fragile state of mind:



"Britney started watching American Idol when she was in rehab. She became a huge Sanjaya fan and thinks the two of them can make beautiful music together," the National Ledger quoted a source as saying.

The article further notes that Britney has dispatched her agents to contact Sanjaya.

If Sanjaya is allowed to work with Britney, he will be lost.

Now is the time to take a stand.

Efforts must be undertaken to stop Britney from corrupting Sanjaya's kid-friendly, non-threatening, pre-pedophile controversy Michael Jacksonian mojo.

You might say this is madness.

Madness?

THIS IS SANJAYA!


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What impact do you think Britney will have on Sanjaya?

Should Virginia Tech killer be linked to Super Mario?

Someone finally pulled a John Hinckley analysis, AKA "Blame the Movie/Book/Videogame for creating the psycho", on Cho Seung-Hui for the Virginia Tech massacre. The movie of choice, for today at least, is Oldboy.

Look at the photo: Cho has a hammer and so does Dae-Su Oh, the protagonist of Oldboy. Cho was violent and so was Dae-Su.

Forget the fact that Cho used 9mm and .22-caliber pistols, not a hammer.

Forget the fact that Oldboy took place in Korea and Dae-Su fought to defend himself from thugs who kidnapped him and a criminal mastermind who tricked him into committing incest.

Yes, you read that right: Dae-Su slept with his daughter. At the end of the movie, once he finds out, he cuts out his tongue.

Forget that Dae-Su doesn't commit suicide. He, like George Michael suggested, Chooses Life. Unlike George Michael, Dae-Su decides to continue his monogamous relationship with his daughter. Unlike Dae-Su, Cho was childless and kept his tongue intact. Unlike Dae-Sue's mop-top hairstyle, Cho shaved his head.

What is the parallel between Dae-Su and Cho? Oh yeah, I forgot.

He took a photo with a hammer.

Since Cho was an English major, wouldn't it make more sense to blame John Henry?


Maybe Cho took a Norse Myths class. We can blame Thor...


Sorry, he probably read comics, so I got the wrong Thor...


Nope, throw all that out the window. It's Oldboy to blame.

If out of touch critics want to blame something. Why not blame a videogame? That's the "hip" thing to do these days. Don't worry, if you're not up on videogames. I'll give you a character who, like Cho, has a hammer...and even better yet...he's Asian!:


That's right. The Hammer Brother from Super Mario.

Why Sanjaya Lost

He lost his mojo:

The libido...
The essence...
The right stuff...as Doctor Evil so eloquently stated.

What made Sanjaya thoroughly entertaining was the over-the-top spectacle which turned sanjaya malakar into SAN-JAYA. We loved the ponyhawk.


The homage to Saturday Night Fever:


The besame mucho mustache and goatee...


So, what happened?

According to Robert McKee, a comedic character's value is rooted in the dissonance of character perception: How a character believes himself to be perceived as opposed to how people actually perceive him. The best comedic characters have no clue how buffoonish they actually are.


Inspector Clouseau believes that he is the world's best detective, not a bungling idiot.



Archie Bunker didn't perceive himself to be a malicious bigot.



David Brent thought he was the coolest boss ever.



We love their cluelessness.

When David Brent begged for his job in the last season of The Office and admitted he was a loser, he wasn't funny anymore.

The similar thing happened with Sanjaya.

He picked "Something To Talk About" and we all knew he was talking about himself.

And it was boring.

Where was the cheesiness?

What happened to the misguided attempt to romance J.Lo?

And the stupid outfit?


boring.

He lost the naivete which endeared us.

He lost the fire.

He lost the SAN-JAYA-ness.

And now he's gone.

I hope KFC still has their offer open.
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Is this the last we have seen of Mr. Malakar? Why do you think he lost?

Absolutely Dreadful

TMZ is reporting that American Idol judge Simon Cowell claims he wasn't rolling his eyes in response to contestant Chris Richardson's offering condolences to Virginia Tech victims and their families last night. They even have the video up. The show is now in full damage control mode.

We all know he's full of it. Simon's made snarky remarks about contestants wishing happy birthday to their moms and referencing other personal events for sympathy votes. The producers probably told him what was up during the break (that he was busted on live T.V.) and gave him an opportunity to correct his error later on...completely out of context after Blake Lewis performed!

Simon should follow his own advice: Be aware of the camera. Even in this picture, he looks like he's pointing and smiling at the Council blocking a childcare plan and not at his photo. Did the newspaper put his photo underneath the story to set him up? Maybe last night's eyeroll was a similar set up! Perhaps for all of his Sanjaya hate! The plot thickens...especially if Sanjaya gets voted off tonight!
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What do y'all think?

No Sanjaya, but maybe George Costanza?

According to MSNBC, Paula Abdul threw a fit, pushed her way past other passengers, and demanded first class treatment on a sold-out Southwest Airlines plane that didn't have a first class section:

“She asked to be let on the plane and seated first,” an “eyewitness” told the Star. When Abdul was told that only young children, people with disabilities and the elderly were allowed to board early, she reportedly declared, “But I’m famous! I need to go on first!” A number of fellow passengers heard the exchange, and one shouted at her: “You’re no Sanjaya! You have to board like everyone else.”

Truer words have never been said.

Paula should heed the words of the clown in the Seinfeld fire episode:

"You're living in the past, man!"

Come to think of it, I think she probably acted just like George in more ways than one...

Will Vince Young Break the Madden Curse?

There are a few truths in life:

Don't spit in the wind
Don't tug on Superman's cape
And sure as hell don't appear on the cover of Madden!

Tennessee Titans phenom Quarterback Vince Young, known for throwing caution to the wind as a gutsy, balls-to-the-wall player, is tempting fate by gracing the cover of EA Sports Madden 2008 Football Video Game.

For the last nine years, being on the cover of Madden has results in big bucks and big injuries:

Shaun Alexander, Seahawks	Non-displaced fracture in foot	2007
Donovan McNabb, Eagles	Sports hernia in first game of season; team divided by feud with T.O.	2006
Ray Lewis, Ravens	First season without INT, missed last game of season with broken wrist	2005
Michael Vick, Falcons	Fractured right fibula day after game hit shelves	2004
Marshall Faulk, Rams	Ankle injury, never again broke 1,000 yards for season	2003
Daunte Culpepper, Vikings	Struggled to 4-7 before season-ending knee injury	2002
Eddie George, Titans	Career year, but key turnover led to playoff loss	2001
Barry Sanders, Lions (shared cover with Madden)	Abruptly retired week before training camp	2000

Young has no chance, huh?

USC was supposed to crush Texas (Young's team) in the Rose Bowl. Young responded by giving one of the greatest performances in college history and winning the game.

Young was supposed to be too dumb to play pro football. Young responded by engineering a six game win streak as a rookie, winning the offensive rookie of the year award and being selected to the pro bowl.

Will Young continue this trend and break the curse? His agent thinks so:

"We don't believe in no jinx,'' agent Major Adams said. "People said when they put Vince on the cover of Sports Illustrated (that) it was going to jinx him in the Rose Bowl game, and (Texas) won the national championship. "We don't believe in stuff like that. In the unfortunate event he gets hurt, it is just a part of the game, not because you have the cover.''

As for me? Will I draft Vince Young, a man who has EXCEEDED all expectations, a man who has DEFIED convention, a man who has SPIT in the wind and pimpslapped Superman? Will I draft this man to my fantasy football team?

HELLS NO!
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Will you draft Vince? What do you think about the Madden curse?

Anatomically Correct?

Last year, Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington went on a rampage and fought co-star McDreamy on set:

At one point, Isaiah yelled, "I'm not your little faggot like (name deleted)," according to the source. Those who heard him were stunned.

At the Golden Globes, Washington denied using the slur by repeating the slur. He went to rehab for sexual orientation issues and got an NAACP Image award.

The "name deleted" castmate Washington was referring to turned out to be T.R. Knight, who eventually came out. This weekend, Knight was rewarded by the show's producers for working with a virulent homophobe, by picking up the GLAAD award on behalf of the show.

So, Washington slurs Knight and gets an award from the NAACP.
Knight received the slur and picks up the GLAAD award.

Ann Coulter calls Presidential hopeful John Edwards a f*ggot and what does she get?:

A bloated J.J. Evans AKA Kid Dy-no-mite.

What would Michael Evans say?


(insert your own caption in the comments section)

They Really Hate P.D.A.s!

Richard Gere, on a crusade to promote safe-sex in India, offended Hindu nationalists by kissing actress Shilpa Shetty numerous times IN PUBLIC on the hand and ON EACH CHEEK (on her face, you pervs). They responded by beating burning effigies of Gere with sticks and setting fire to glamorous shots of Shetty.

I'm not sure if the rage because Gere's middle name is "Tiffany", he engaged in a condom call and response, or they're still bitter because he divorced Cindy Crawford.

The rage could be from Shetty flirting with "Face" from the A-Team or punking out on "Celebrity Big Brother". They might have just been demonstrating what she should have done to the racists who harassed her on the show.

If they are pissed about a famous Bollywood actress being defiled in such a public display, imagine what they'd do if they knew about the gerbil incident!

Check out the video.
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What do you think about the incident? How close have you come to beating a burning effigy and why?

Imus Has A Posse

According to the NY Daily News, Al Sharpton is beefing up his security after receiving threats from Imus fans:

"We have received several threats that we consider serious," he said. "I have been stabbed once, so we don't take anything too lightly."

Beefing up security is pretty popular these days. After G-Unit member Tony Yayo allegedly beat up a fifteen year old boy for wearing a rival rapper's gear, 50 Cent increased his security force because the fifteen year old's father was a guy nicknamed Henchmen.

Better think twice about getting a senior citizen fired!

What really concerns me about Al isn't the security issue. What worries me is if Imus and Sharpton continue to follow this feud, Al will end up like Fiddy: Having a woman drop a rumor of how bad he is in bed. That would not only ruin Al's reputation, it would have James Brown rolling in his grave. After all, in life, James wanted people to believe Al was his son. In death, we shouldn't besmirch his memory by making that son be anything...and I mean ANYTHING but a guy who gets on the scene like a sex machine. Get on up indeed...

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What do you think is next in the Imus-Sharpton feud?

Imus Be Mistaken

Don Imus did the impossible.

He made Condi Rice get in touch with her roots and it didn't take shame from going on a shopping spree:

"I just thought that it was an attack on women's sports, first of all, and secondly an attack on very accomplished young black women in a way that was really offensive"

The message is simple: Say what you will about the war, the president or unemployment, but don't be callin' nobody no nappy headed hos!
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Of all the things to talk about, why do you think Condi choose Imus? When can we expect to hear from her next? Holla back!

Power of the Perm

Is it just me or have you noticed that the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team members all got fresh perms after Imus' Nappy Headed Hos comment?



Newsday had a piece on the significance of the term, so did CNN, but they say nothing about the connection between their perms and Al Sharpton's touch up.



After all, he was the first one to defend them AFTER they got the perms. Would the brotha have helped them out if they remained true to their (for lack of a better term) roots?

Sharpton claimed to cop the 'do when he worked with James Brown (R.I.P.)


Every day, Sharpton delivers on a promise he made to Brown a couple of decades ago when he asked the civil rights activist "to straighten your hair like mine so when people see you they think you're my son."Brown often called Sharpton, urging: "I want you to keep it that way until I die." Sharpton said he will never give up the look. "That's my bond with James Brown." This is perm love!

However, Sharpton was nowhere to be found when James' hair went through a rough spell:



That, my friends is a damn shame, and a goddamn nappy mess!

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What do you think is the special significance and POWER of the perm? Speak on this...