Desissified

Moving Day

2007-06-26T15:49:00.001-05:00

Dear Desissified readers, this is my last post here as I'm up and leaving for my brand spanking new site refriedscreens.com. It's easier to remember (rhymes with refried beans) and spell than desissified.blogspot.com and there isn't as much typing for you, so the new url will stave off carpal tunnel for a good year or two! See how much I care about you guys?

Since I mash up pop culture and give it some flavor, I think the title fits. Originally, desissified was going to be about the sissifying effect cease and desist letters have on folks. Oh, the ignorance of youth...

There's a link to refriedscreens.com here. The first story makes a plea for Jeff Bridges AKA "The Dude" from The Big Lebowski to get an Oscar for his upcoming performance as the big bad in the upcoming Iron Man movie.

What's that you said? 'I didn't see it, so how could I know it'll be Oscar worthy?'

Check out my Top 5 List of How Un-Dude the character he's playing is, and you'll not only like the kool aid I'm drinking, you'll ask for the recipe!

How Do You Serve 'Racist Egg'?

2007-06-22T08:36:00.000-05:00

DC Comics has reinterpreted our favorite Communist instrument of terror, Egg Fu, for the 21st Century. They gave him a shave and a language coach.

Old Fu:New Fu:
After checking out the changes, I realized Egg Fu's true calling:

A featured ingredient on a reality cooking show.

On Top Chef, they'd probably make him into 'egg yolk and sea urchin roe with vermicelli'.

On Hell's Kitchen, they'd probably under cook poor Egg Fu and Chef Ramsay would have no choice but to throw him out, cursing all the way.

On Iron Chef, Chairman Kaga would challenge the contestants to break the shell which normally confines their thinking.

I don't think any of the Egg Fu dishes would go over well with the judges. I hear he has a weird aftertaste, which is why you can't get racial stereotype eggs at your local grocer.

Best.Sign.Ever

2007-06-21T10:50:00.001-05:00

Find it here.

Almost as good as the family safe 300 trailer:

BRUSH YOUR TEETH!

Celebrity Clone War

2007-06-21T09:34:00.000-05:00

There's a woman who looks just like Angelina Jolie. Except she doesn't have the phat crib, ginormous bank account or hot hubby. As much as it sucks to be her, imagine how sweet her boyfriend has it!

You can also find it here.

And then there is the Paris Hilton clone.

You can find the clone here.

Although Paris is abandoning stupidity, will her clone? And if America hankers for their old stupid Paris, will it pick the clone instead of Paris Hilton?

This all seems like Jennifer Lopez in South Park. She of the 'Taco Flavored Kisses'. The music execs preferred a singing hand named Jennifer Lopez, who was younger and spicier than the original J. Lo. Even Ben Affleck preferred the hand over J.Lo.

Will history repeat itself?

Who Was Really Behind The Harry Potter Spoilers?

2007-06-20T19:50:00.001-05:00

Some dude claims that he hacked a digital copy of author J.K. Rowling's seventh and final book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. He posts the spoilers here.

The reason?

"By following the precious words of the great Pope Benedict XVI when he still was Cardinal Josepth Ratzinger. He explained why Harry Potter bring the youngs of our earth to Neo Paganism faith. So we make this spoiler to make reading of the upcoming book useless and boring."

I remember the good old days. People who wanted to protest would picket movie theaters or simply burn books. Nobody got hurt and, hey, it made for a good show. But now, the protest has gone online...

And it's scary. Scary boring.

I don't think it's the Pope who is behind this...it's Universal Pictures.

Why?

What better way to guarantee the #1 box office slot for Evan Almighty than making Christians feel guilty about watching non-Christian entertainment like early Oscar contender Fantastic Four:Rise of the Silver Surfer or a masterpiece like John Cusak's 1408, which coincidentally opens the same day as Bruce Almighty and features the supernatural?

Defamer cites a LA Times story revealing the efforts of the studio to court Christians for the movie.

There is one person who can stop this madness...

Paris Hilton, I call on you and your new found faith to come forth from prison and strike down these abominations! It's your calling! Didn't I tell you she had a purpose? Read here if you plumb forgot.

Simple Life Behind Bars?

2007-06-20T00:05:00.000-05:00

According to US Magazine, Nicole Richie has been ordered to stand trial on July 11th due to her December DUI. She faces a year in the slammer.

Didn't I tell you a while back that Paris wanted to remake Black Mama, White Mama? With Nicole in jail, they could update it for the multiracial 21st century set:

White Mama, Frappuccino Mama.

The Starbucks product placement ALONE would be worth millions.

With Lindsay Lohan looking like Gollum these days, maybe the three of them could do a femme Lord of the Rings?

Captain America's Replacement REVEALED

2007-06-19T14:30:00.000-05:00

When Captain America died, rumors of his replacement ran rampant.

Some people thought it would be The Punisher.

Old Punisher...

Captain Americafied Punisher...

But they're wrong.

Others thought it would be Cap's former sidekick Bucky Barnes.

Here's the original recipe Bucky alongside Cap:

And this is the extra crispy Bucky in his new persona, The Winter Soldier:

But they're wrong, too.

Captain America's replacement has surfaced. And he don't need no stinkin' new costume...

Colin Powell, where the heck have you been?

We found out that you've been conversating with Barak Obama and now you tell Newsweek you want people to back off Angelina Jolie:

"She's absolutely serious, absolutely informed...She doesn't need this. This needed her."

Just like the way kids around the world need Angelina Jolie to come in their country and adopt the hell out of them, America...no...THE WORLD needs Colin Powell to come back into the spotlight and pick up good ol' Cap's mantle.

And for that, I salute him.

Colin Powell, your shield awaits. You just have to wrest it from the sinister clutches of Stephen Colbert...

Could There Be A Pervier Title?

2007-06-19T00:23:00.001-05:00

Once word hits the streets that NBC greenlit a show called Without Breasts There Is No Paradise (translated from the telenovela, Sin Tetas) the sparks will fly.

Is the show about breast cancer or some other after-school special topic that makes one feel guilty for prejudging it on title alone?

Nope. It's about a 17-year-old call girl who "worries that her flat chest will consign her to a life of poverty".

Tits, whoring, and jail bait = ratings gold?

This led me on a quest to find the Perviest Titles in the History of Television, the kind of show titles that made you do a double take the first time you heard them...on a non-porno network:

Leave It To Beaver
Perhaps the only show that will never be redone with a girl playing the Beaver. With a title like this, was there any choice to not introduce Jerry Mathers "as the Beaver" at the beginning of the show?

Perversions of Science
What is a list about the Perviest Titles without this show listed? It was a Tales From The Crypt rip off with a better name. Unfortunately it wasn't enough to keep the show on air for more than a season.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Remember when you first heard the name of the show? You did a double take. I know you did.

Schlitz Playhouse of Stars
'Nuff said.

That's My Bush!
If Gore won, it would have been called Everybody Loves Al. It's uncertain whether or not the Gore show could have lasted more than the eight episodes of Bush. Did I just write that?

Deadwood
The fact that the show came on after Six Feet Under made me first think it was a rigor mortis joke. By the time Big Love came on, I had learned my lesson.

After reviewing the Perviest Titles in the History of Television, I realized there hasn't been, and probably never will be, a television show with a title pervier than Without Breasts There Is No Paradise on a family friendly network.
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Which show do you think has the Perviest name?

Looking For His Pot Of Gold?

2007-06-18T17:34:00.000-05:00

Bai Ling reminds me of that freaky girl in high school who used to tramp it up. You figured "Man, if she's like that on the streets, imagine what she must be like in the sheets!". Then you see her dance and sadly, your fantasy is crushed.

Fortunately, a magic leprechaun appeared and calmed her ass down. Hopefully in a few weeks, he won't wake up with a burning sensation in his crotch and upon further inspection find pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, and purple horseshoes all over his shilleilagh!

Transformers Movie Gives Hope For He-Man and ThunderCats

2007-06-18T11:40:00.000-05:00

If you've seen stills from the upcoming Transformers movie, you'll notice these aren't your friendly, childhood Transformers...

They're SPOOKY lookin'!

Seems as if Hollywood is treating the 80s better than the 70s and making the characters tougher. Wish we could say the same about what they did to 70s characters played by macho icons like Burt Reynolds From The Longest Yard...

Instead of comedic genius Adam Sandler from the remake...

Even Darth Vader went from looking like a possessed granddaddy from hell...

To a lost member of N*SYNC...

With the meaner, nastier Transformers looking tougher than the cartoon, there is hope that they'll do He-Man and ThunderCats better than these guys:

Create Your Own Sopranos Ending

2007-06-15T23:10:00.000-05:00

Much has been written about the Sopranos series finale. Instead of wasting time trying to decipher whether Tony got shot or not, let's waste time creating our own ending.

Here's mine:

At the diner, AJ complains about the onion rings. Tony responds by beating him to a bloody pulp with a Heinz 57 ketchup bottle (product placement!). The guy who goes to the bathroom to pull a "Godfather" on Tony, can't find the gun he hid in the toilet stall. Who has it? Furio, who caught a late flight from Italy to bust multiple caps in his ass. Paulie and Silvio, fresh from the hospital, wipes out the rest of the folks in the diner, with the help of the boy scouts. Tony goes home, hooks up with Dr. Melfi, and bones AJ's high school girlfriend as Sid Vicious' version of "MY WAY" leads us to the credits.

THE END...and everyone's happy.
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Can you top this ending?

No Egg On Wonder Woman's Face

2007-06-15T08:09:00.000-05:00

According to the AP, scenes of Chow Yun-Fat in Pirates of the Caribbean have been slashed in half by censors in China for "vilifying and defacing" the Chinese. The depiction of a scarred, bald pirate with Lee press-on nails, is believed to be consistent with Hollywood's old tradition of demonizing the Chinese.

This should be a wake up call to the producers of the upcoming Wonder Woman movie who are trying to figure out which villain from her past should be featured in the film.

No matter how much they might be tempted, one thing rings true...

Avoid Egg Fu at all costs!

I know the idea of a ginormous Communist egg created by Chinese sleeper agents to take down America and Wonder Woman seems like money in the bank, but please be reasonable.

Worst Week In The History Of R&B Music

2007-06-14T10:41:00.001-05:00

As if it wasn't enough for T-Pain to harp on Ray-J's dong, he has the #1 album this week for singing about how he wants to "slob the knob". It would be righteous if he used the opportunity to man up, come out and destigmatize homophobia, but he punked out by saying he "isn't a homo".

He should be a man and acknowledge the Freud in his slips.

On the topic of punking out, Akon recorded a song to apologize to everybody for everything:

to the 14 year old he dry humped
to Gwen Stefani, since Verizon dropped tour sponsorship because he humped the 14 year old
to the environment for global warming

You can hear the lame track here (thanks Mediatakeout.com), but I warn you to tread with caution:

You will never get the 4 minutes and 57 seconds of your life back.

I thought the brotha was the next coming of Adebisi, not the Black version of Stan's dad from South Park, who had to kiss Jesse Jackson's ass to atone for his sins:

South Park - Apology To Jesse Jackson - The funniest videos clips are here

Is this all a result of Al Sharpton's call for the music industry to change denigrating lyrics? He's collecting thousands of bars of soap as symbols of the effort, so if you see Akon flashing some Ivory in the upcoming weeks, you know who to blame. And who really should apologize.

Isaiah Washington Can Learn A Lot From Dr. Doom

2007-06-13T11:43:00.000-05:00

According to People, Isaiah Washington is so upset about being fired from Grey's Anatomy, he's speaking in 3rd person:

"I hope that everyone is happy for the outcome for Isaiah, but Isaiah will go on and do what I love to do."

The act of referring to oneself in 3rd person is also known as an Illeism.

If Isaiah decides to continue down this path, he'll be in great company.

How great?

I've created a list of the TOP 5 ILLEISMATICS OF ALL TIME:

5. JIMMY from Seinfeld
Jimmy only spoke illeistically ( "Jimmy's down! Jimmy's got a compound fracture! Jimmy's gonna get you, Kramer! Jimmy holds grudges!") and it was CONTAGIOUS:

Jerry: I don't know how you can eat that spicy chicken.
George: George likes spicy chicken.
Jerry: What's that?
George: I like spicy chicken.
Jerry: No, no you said "GEORGE likes spicy chicken".
George: No I didn't!
Elaine: Yes you did. You said "George likes spicy chicken".
Jerry: You're turning into Jimmy!
George: (irritated) George is getting upset!!

4. THE ROCK
The Rock, when he was rasslin', would engage in illeisms "The Great One", "The Brahma Bull", "The People's Champion" before, during, and after he would "Layeth The Smacketh Down" on your candy ass. He would also utter an illeistic phrase "If you smell... what the Rock is cookin'!" after every promo for 5 years. He even had a best selling book entitled...what else? "The Rock Says..."

3. ELMO

"Lala-lala lala-lala Elmo's song. Lala-lala lala-lala Elmo's song. Me write the music, me write the words, that's Elmo's song."

Neither Dobby, of Harry Potter fame, nor Superman's nemesis Bizarro, can hold a candle to Elmo.

Elmo is an icon. Elmo influences preschoolers all over the world who want to be just like him. But there's a problem:

Elmo speaks in 3rd person.

Parents, who thought Sesame Street was a wholesome show which supported early education, fear that their children's grammatical abilities will be forever tainted by this little red monster...yet there is nothing they can do about it! And you thought Bert was Sesame Street's resident badass?

2. RICKEY HENDERSON
Baseball great Rickey Henderson wanted a trade, so he called San Diego GM Kevin Towers and left the following message: “This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.”

Also, according to therandomburrito, before every game he played, Rickey stood completely naked in front of a full length locker room mirror and chanted, “Rickey’s the best,” for several minutes.

Why is he higher than Elmo? Elmo inspires fear. Rickey inspires hate, loating, and a grammy nominated comedy album, which is more than Elmo can say about what Elmo inspires.

1. DR. DOOM
Nobody does it better. He, I mean Doom, puts the "ill" in illeism. Doom's been doing it for 45 years, and what sets him on a different level than punks like Dobby or wannabe's like Elmo? He has robots masquerading as Doom called "Doombots". Doom > Rickey because Rickey don't have robots...although I hear he's working on that...

Plus, Doom is a certified megalomaniac dictator to the country he rules, Latervia, and to the kid he adopted, Kristoff:

In your FACE, Rickey!

Isaiah Washington can learn a lot from Dr. Doom...
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Who do you think is the Illest Illeismatic?

Sopranos Creator Takes A "Journey" Of His Own

2007-06-12T08:21:00.001-05:00

David Chase left the country prior to the airing of the Sopranos finale, in anticipation of viewer dissatisfaction.

By relieving himself on Sopranos fans with a horrid finale and avoiding accountability for it, Sopranos creator David Chase has become the R. Kelly of television. Now I know how Phil Spector, another victim of mitteration, must have felt.

As I search for answers to cope with the disrespect, I find myself looking at another show with much better writing: The Shield. And I realize that John Kavanaugh, played by Forest Whitaker, was Negrodamus after all...especially if you replace the word "Mackey" with "David Chase":

You can also find it here.

But there is a silver lining to this golden shower: Journey's dreams have become reality.

Oh, and there will be no Sopranos sequel:

"I think we've kind of said it and done it"

Yes, David, you most certainly have done it.

And Joseph K was correct: It must truly is better to give than receive...

Sopranos Finale: The Morning After

2007-06-11T08:50:00.000-05:00

The morning after the Sopranos finale reveals a range of viewer reactions, from kudos to a whole lotta hate.

How much hate?

So much that the volume of hate traffic to the HBO web site brought the site down for a significant period of time according to Adotas. This is backed by Deadline Hollywood Daily which is even pissier about the premature fade-to-blaculation:

This is why America hates Hollywood. Unlike some network series that end abruptly because broadcasters pull the plug without warning, The Sopranos has been slated for years to go off the air tonight. But instead of carefully crafted, this finale looked like it had been concocted in a day or two.

I never thought I would be on the same page as Nikki Finke after her whole "blame Virginia Tech on OldBoy" stance (which I parodied here), but the Sopranos brought us together!

As far as the belief that the series finale was a moment of artistic zen, I maintain that Sopranos creator David Chase could’ve had a monkey eating a banana at the end of the episode and some folks would write about the ‘brilliance’ behind its ending.

If we want to figure out what Chase meant, I don't believe we have to look any further than minutes before the infamous diner scene. Paulie was tripping over the cat who was fixated on Chrissy’s photo. Tony's response?

Don’t read too much into anything or you'll miss out on life.

Another big F.U. from David Chase to the fans.

I guess we could follow his advice...

But where is the fun in that?

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The morning after, where do you stand on the Sopranos season finale?

Deadwood Worth Canceling For John From Cincinnati?

2007-06-11T00:45:00.002-05:00

So, David Milch, who created Deadwood, pitches John From Cincinnati to HBO, and they like the idea more than Deadwood. As a result, HBO cancels Deadwood,

I'm still pissed HBO canceled Carnivale because they were all hot for Deadwood, but that's for another post.

Now that you've seen John From Cincinnati, what's the dilly? Was it worth canceling Deadwood?

Reasons For The Horrid Sopranos Finale

2007-06-10T22:11:00.000-05:00

Like many suspected, the Sopranos ended in the most unsatisfying manner experienced since St. Elsewhere was revealed to be the product of an autistic kid's imagination.

There are a few theories about the reasons for the B.S. ending:

Sopranos creator David Chase wanted to end the series a season ago. HBO didn't want him to. He relented, and this is his revenge;
David Chase wanted to end the series a season ago for a good reason: he ran out of gas...and could only muster the huge fart that was the series finale;
David Chase didn't want any sequels, so he created a craptastic ending in order to kill whatever desire Sopranos fans had left in the series;
Tony was whacked...he just didn't know it. This theory can be credited by poster moodyblue who wrote in a Courier-Post forum: Tony IS DEAD and WAS CLIPPED by someone. We the audience have always seen the episodes from Tony's point of view, and the blackened silence is what Tony sees and hears when he finally gets clipped. Remember the conversation with Bobby at the lake? "I wonder if you hear the one that gets you" - the final episode answers that question. That is why they flashed back to it at the end of last weeks episode. He never heard the one that killed him.

moodyblue has a point, but my money's on a combo of 1,2, and 3 (find the update, with new theories here).

What do you think?

UPDATE: Check out other entries on this topic including more theories the morning after and how Sopranos creator David Chase fled the country in fear of viewer outrage. Also create your own Sopranos ending here.

Isaiah Washington Is Mad As Hell, But What Is He Gonna Do About It?

2007-06-08T12:20:00.000-05:00

It finally happened.

People reports that Isaiah Washington is gone from Grey's Anatomy.

I was ecstatic until I read this:

Howard Bragman, Washington's publicist, says Washington's option was not renewed, and released this statement from the actor: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more."

I initially felt fear for gays worldwide. I mean, isn't it bad enough that he went crazy on set and at the Golden Globes? If that wasn't "mad as hell", I don't know what is. I thought he calmed down by filming a PSA.

Then, I realized that the quote is from the movie Network, where news anchor Howard Beale responds to his firing by threatening to blow his brains out on national television. He later changes his mind, but engages in a rant which gets him a new show with stellar ratings. At the end of Network, television execs hire a group of terrorists from a rival show to execute Beale.

What is Isaiah Washington planning to do and why would he quote Network? Is he going to blow his brains out on national television or just engage in another hate filled rant?

Then I had my conspiracy cap on:

Imagine if ABC felt the need to "Network" Isaiah? Which ABC actor would they send to whack him? And, which actor would be desperate enough to accept the job? Who has a need to resuscitate their stalled career by showing allegiance to a network who can offer them a return to their 15 minutes of fame.

One ABC show came to mind:

LOST.

And one actor is ripe for the job to take out Isaiah if he gets too crazy...

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What do you think is Isaiah's next step? And if he gets too crazy (as if he isn't crazy enough), which "star" will they send out to ice him?

Paris Hilton's Hit List

2007-06-07T10:25:00.001-05:00

Paris Hilton is free...and heads are gonna roll!

Yes, she's under house arrest, but house arrest didn't stop Pablo Escobar from running thangs!

Prison was like the Wizard of Oz for Paris Hilton. In the pampered world to which she was accustomed, being rich, slutty, and blond was enough. Faced with the cold, harsh reality of prison, she had to dig deep within herself. She found out that she always had a brain, courage, and heart. With Tinkerbell as her Toto, she will inflict pain and suffering on her foes...

WITH A VENGEANCE!

Don't believe me?

She entered jail Sunday night, and got out Thursday morning.

She didn't eat her hot dog for her Tuesday night meal because she knew real food was waiting a few days later.

Paris did get a visit from her shrink while in the can. Twice.

Remember The Sopranos last week? Criminal masterminds use shrink as practice.

Is this all coming together for you?

Well, if Paris has vengeance on her mind, she probably has a hit list like The Bride from Kill Bill.

She got out of jail twenty days early because she couldn't wait to whup on that ass.

Who's ass, you might ask?:

5. Warner Brothers. They dropped Paris from their record label. Paris will start a torrid file sharing campaign...and supply legal support for the upcoming RIAA lawsuits.

4. Motley Crue. The 'Jail Paris' petition drive will end up with Tommy Lee's dong cut off, battered, fried, and put on a stick like a Nathan's Corn Dog.

3. Madame Tussauds. Wax will burn for the effigy besmirching her sense of fashion.

2. TMZ. Paris coverage 24/7? They'll be working 24/7...after she buys them out, sends them overseas, and turns them into a sneaker sweatshop to destroy Fila Korea for suspending her ad campaign.

1. Sarah Silverman. Silverman capped on Paris during the MTV Movie Awards. Paris was overheard saying she hates Silverman. Paris has millions. Sarah has Jimmy Kimmel. Nuff said.

Who is safe? Niki Hilton, who supported her sister and George Clooney, who has pity for all of the unfair media attention she gets. Clooney, save your pity. After Paris Hilton is through, these guys will need all the pity you can muster!

Hell hath no fury like a Hilton scorned.

ThunderCats? NOOO!!!!

2007-06-06T09:19:00.000-05:00

Before Transformers comes out and flops, Warner Bros is making a live-action ThunderCats Movie.

Is nothing sacred?

This kind of thing has been tried before, and I don't mean the Super Mario Bros Movie. It was something even more horrid: Masters of the Universe.

Masters of the Universe was based on the cartoon, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. As if it wasn't bad enough I had already wasted my allowance on the He-Man and She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword, theatrical release which was later shown on tv for free. Allowance that could've been spent on comic books. Comic books that appreciate in value and could have paid for my law school tuition! They had to rub salt in the wound and waste even more of my money with Masters of the Universe.

For those who didn't see any of the movies, I can sum the bastardization up with a brief comparison. The He-Man cartoon had a funny imp called Orko:

The Masters of the Universe movie had Gwildor: who looks like he contracted some intergalactic venereal disease:

I shudder to think about what they're going to do with Cheetara.

Akon Update: Give Me The Boy

2007-06-05T15:33:00.000-05:00

Life continues to imitate OZ.

The Poughkeepsie Journal reports that Fishkill police, like OZ favorite Vern Schillinger, want someone to "bring them the boy" that Akon Gorilla Slammed at Sunday's WSPK sponsored KFEST.

Unlike Vern, who wanted to be brought boys to bugger, Fishkill cops want to question the kid to get his side of the story.

Apparently, two cops were present during the incident and didn't do anything...probably other than laughing their asses off.

Strangely enough, this occurred regularly in OZ as well. Stuff would happen around guards who weren't paid enough to bother. Hell, the cops at KFEST might've figured that if they did something, they'd have to leave the show and miss Akon's set. For all we know, Akon was the reason they went. And you can't get mad at them for that. It's not everyday you get to see Akon perform, much less slam a kid off a stage.

According to the article, WSPK General Manager Jason Finkelberg thinks people are overreacting to cool cat Akon:

“I don't think he intended malice on this guy. I think it was in the spirit of the show...He had another kid on stage dancing,” Finkelberg said. “He was taking pictures with kids in wheelchairs.”

Whether Akon was responsible for putting the kids in wheelchairs has yet to be determined.

NY Takes On Paris Hilton

2007-06-05T14:31:00.001-05:00

Who said New Yorkers don't have caring hearts?

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in New York is all about authenticity. In wake of Paris Hiton's imprisonment, it has painted prison stripes on her wax statute. Find more pix here.

Not to be outdone, the NY Daily News notes that we will see a hirsute Paris when she comes out, since where beauty products, including tweezers, brushes, wax, hair spray, dye, and wigs are banned:

"She'll find she'll get pretty hairy," said Hollywood madam Jody (Babydol) Gibson, who served eight weeks in another L.A. County women's jail in 2000.

I strongly disagree. I mean, it's jail and she's rich. She can get anything she wants smuggled in there. Hello, it's a prison?!? Anyone who has watched "OZ", "Prison Break", or "The Sopranos" knows this, so why is the media turning a blind eye to it?

The Wall Street Journal Law Blog offers its help to Paris by quoting New York Divorce attorney Raoul Felder, who suggests that Paris avoid incidents with fellow inmates by keeping to herself, avoid flaunting her wealth (as it would attract dishonest inmates), and start knitting or sewing for her dog Tinkerbell and "create the next doggie-accessory craze."

Lastly, the NY Post encourages readers to download a postcard on their website with Paris' prison address pre-affixed. All you need is a stamp, folks.

Moments like these make me fall in love with New York all over again....

Adebisi LIVES...in Akon

2007-06-04T17:03:00.000-05:00

My brother called me last year and was tripping:

"Adebisi is a singer!"

For the uninitiated, Simon Adebisi was hands down, the BADDEST dude on tv...EVER. On the HBO series OZ, Adebisi decapitated dudes, turned hetero guys into his personal sex slaves, turned the prison into his personal paradise, and had the nerve to videotape all his exploits.

I knew he meant the ACTOR who portrayed Adebisi, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. And although he was in Mary J. Blige's "Love No Limit", he was too busy being Mr. Eko on "Lost" to have a professional singing career.

After talking to my bro for awhile, I found out he confused Adewale for Akon. I can see how one could confuse Akon and Adewale in passing. Anyhoo, after doing a little research, I found out, like everybody else, that Akon had a criminal record, like Adebisi. Like Adebisi, he sold drugs. Little did I know that Akon would "handle" things much like Adebisi would.

He conned a girl on stage in Trinidad with promises of a trip to Africa. What did she get? A dry humping. Akon was conned himself: He thought security didn't let anyone under 18 in the club. She was 14. . Verizon didn't care. They dropped their sponsorship of his tour.

Months later, during a concert in Fishkill, Akon was opening his heart about how hard it was to adjust to living in the U.S. Akon shared his feelings of alienation as an African in America. What did he get in return? Some punk ass kid who threw a piece of plastic square in Akon's face.

Akon's response? He had security bring the kid to him. When the kid was brought on stage, Akon picked the kid up and tossed the kid off the stage with an Ultimate Warrior Gorilla-Press Slam.

You can see it for yourself here.

On OZ, Adebisi's character was killed off, so Adewale could film that great masterpiece "The Mummy Returns". Adebisi's "murderer" on the show, pacifist Kareem Said, claimed to be possessed by the spirit of Adebisi. After engaging in a number of uncharacteristic actions, Said proclaimed:

"Adebisi lives!"

Years after OZ was canceled, I knew Adebisi would resurface. Little did I know it would be in the form of an R&B crooner with cheesy ass songs.

Eh, I'll take whatever Adebisi I can get.

Kareem Said was right:

ADEBISI LIVES!!!

Paris Hilton: Eating For Your Benefit

2007-06-04T12:15:00.000-05:00

People reports that at last night's MTV Movie Awards, Paris Hilton made a beeline for the buffet table, not pausing to greet fellow guests before sampling everything from mini egg salad sandwiches to caprese salad on toast and carrots.

Paris Hilton should have nothing to feel guilty about. Since Public Service Announcements are all the rage for celebrities nowadays, Paris can turn her public feasting into a positive.

Paris can have a Public Service Announcement of the TOFI variety, to warn about the absolute devastation breaking the law can have on one's perfectly starved figure:

Imagine Paris strutting down a paparazzi lined red carpet...to a buffet table filled with various fatty food items. She gorges herself while the paparazzi takes loads of shots. Fellow celebrities fail to contain their unmitigated horror: "For the love of all that's thin and holy, someone stop her!". But their cries are drowned out by Paris Hilton's frenzied feasting. After devouring everything in sight, including her pet poodle, she wails: "I USED TA BE SOMEBODY!"

And she'd have the mugshots to prove it:

F*** The Police!

2007-06-04T09:35:00.000-05:00

Stewart Copeland, drummer of The Police, recently ripped into his band for sucking it hard during their reunion tour:

"This is unbelievably lame" he wrote of their recent performance in Vancouver, which was rife with tripping, miscues, and other synchronishitties.

Surprisingly, that's not what's really lame.

According to the NY Post, fifth row seats at their gig at MSG August 1st are going for $11,500 a ticket.

You can blame that on resellers, but that's not the lamest thing about The Police's tour.

Wheelchair bound fans can't get tickets for the Edmonton show online from Ticketmaster.

Maybe Ticketmaster is doing a humane thing: Creating obstacles to prevent the handicapped from attending a sucky, expensive show and feeling jipped.

That's what I thought until I found out that Ticketmaster has special seats for folks in wheelchairs available by phone...for an extra $130.

Either way, as much as Stewart Copeland thinks his band sucks live, he won't be refunding anyone's tickets.

Let the buyer beware!

Sexologist Quells Teletubby Attack

2007-06-04T09:16:00.000-05:00

UPDATE: Tinky Winky is free to be himself in Poland!

Decades of Anti-Polish sentiment can now come to an end.

The Polish Government is backing away from its previous paranoid, homophobic attack on the Teletubbies. The reversal, according to Variety, is a result of a consultation with a sexologist.

And you thought sexology was a pointless pseudo science, filled with people talking about dongs all day long. Shame on you!

With the closing of this debacle and news that Paris Hilton is reading Zen Buddhist book "The Power of Now", the hunt for Jerry Falwell's replacement seems to be at a standstill.

Melinda Doolittle Performs

2007-06-02T11:29:00.000-05:00

It's a slow Saturday, whick is why you have no excuse not to follow the link and check out Melinda Doolittle's June 1st appearance on The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, as she performs "Home" from The Wiz.

Melinda would make a great Dorothy with Sanjaya revisiting Michael Jackson's Scarecrow performance, Randy as the Cowardly Lion, Simon as the Tin Man and Paula as a flying monkey. And who would be The Wiz? Clive Davis, of course!

http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/melinda-doolittle-performs/

Lindsay Lohan and Isaiah Washington: One To Grow On

2007-06-01T13:54:00.000-05:00

Say what you will about Isaiah Washington. But that brotha sure can act! Look at his conviction in the Public Service Announcement about the power of words. I wonder what word he could possibly be talking about? It's here.

Lindsay Lohan, on the other hand, can't keep from busting out laughing.

LindsayLohan - Don't Drink And Drive PSA
Uploaded by philcage

How in the world can she expect to be taken seriously as an Oscar contender if she can't do a PSA without laughing, fer Pete's sake?

You know who gets lost in this mess? Mr. T. He had a music video about treating your momma right. He sings, teaches, and grooves to the music WITHOUT CRACKING A SMILE.

A pessimist would argue that's because Mr. T is a better actor than Lindsay Lohan. Although Mr. T has more acting ability in his discarded Mohawk shavings than Lindsay Lohan, that isn't the point.

The point is, Mr. T BELIEVED in what he was saying, so there was no need for him to exercise any of his acting acumen. But don't cry for Mr. T. He ain't no fool to be pitied.

Rosie's View Replacement Has Massive Consequences

2007-05-31T10:21:00.000-05:00

Rosie O'Donnell tried to exercise restraint before her tiff with Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View “(b)ecause here’s how it gets spun in the media: ‘Rosie, big fat lesbian loud Rosie, attacks innocent pure Christian Elisabeth,’ ”

Their tussle gave us insight into a war that many did not know was occurring. This is a war not about gay vs straight, Christian vs heathen, or loudness vs purity.

This is a war about fat people vs thin people.

Rosie O'Donnell's replacement will have huge ramifications on the war's outcome. Rosie's seat was previously held by Star Jones, who was given the boot after she lost weight. I know "the official story": Star was dropped for using the show to pimp product placement for her wedding. But that's not the point, especially if a rejected, skinny View wannabe pulls a Cameron Diaz and asks "Does Rosie's spot have a size requirement? Can't a skinny girl get some cake or cheddar too?"

And there's value in that question.

Just because a skinny girl doesn't eat, doesn't mean she doesn't need bread. Angelina Jolie needs dough, and laxatives, and a photo touch up, to look heroin chic without using heroin, according to Dr. Jeffrey Bronstein's analysis in the NY Post. She sure as hell doesn't use ex-lax, because she's too rich to go out like that.

If Rosie's replacement is Roseanne Barr, it could add more weight to the divide. And it would be a shame, because America is filled with people who are fat, skinny, and all sizes in between. Kathy Griffin, who is loud and obnoxious could be a bridge builder on The View. And we'd get around the fat vs thin ruckus, because we'd have someone right in the middle. The View would show that there isn't, nor should there be, an official dress size for America.

And this is a message that needs to get across.

Unfortunately, Captain America dead, so we have no American idol to...

...wait a minute...

Did I write American Idol?

We got one!

Jordin Sparks, a former plus size model, can be the one who makes a difference since she likes her curves:

"I'm really comfortable in my own skin," Jordin says with her signature wide smile. "I learned that I'm not ever going to be a size 2. I would look so weird as a size 2. Somebody would blow and I would fall right over. It just wouldn't be healthy."

Jordin Sparks can bring fat people and skinny people together. She's not fat, she's Amazonian. So, you see, American Idol strikes again!

The Producers handpicked Jordin because they knew war was on the horizon. They're British, after all, and saw the backlash against skinnies like Keira Knightley, Kate Moss, and Shilpa Shetty in their own country. It was only a matter of time before it hit the United States. Melinda had pipes, and was definitely not TOFI (thin outside fat inside), but she's not a plus size model.

And that's another reason why Melinda Doolittle was jerked.
------
Where do you weigh in? And what about Nicole Richie's 100 lb weight requirement for her Memorial Day Party? How about the NY Post news story that fat people are more likely to die from using Ecstasy? And the European Union's attack on obesity?

Jordin Sparks' Official Bio Was FALSIFIED!

2007-05-30T11:26:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday, numerous strands pointing to an American Idol conspiracy were pieced together on this very site. Jordin Sparks' victory and the surprise canning of favorite Melinda Doolittle was alleged to be the work of careful planning in an attempt to maximize ratings. Whether or not you believe the conspiracy is moot: Jordin Sparks is the American Idol. She has a great voice and would never lie to win the competition.

That's what we thought...

...until this morning!

MSNBC reports that Jordin Sparks had a vocal coach. What's the big deal?

That may come as a surprise to Sparks’ fans because on her official bio on the “Idol” Web site, when asked if she ever had formal training, Sparks answered, “No.”

Melissa Black, who was Jordin's coach for nine months, felt 'hurt' by not being acknowledged and having her work ignored.

People believed that Jordin was this vocal ingenue as opposed to the wily veteran Melissa Doolittle. This belief was furthered by the "I'm only 17" mantra that Jordin, the judges, and even Ryan Seacrest recited.

This affected voting.

Would Melissa Black, removed from American Idol history to further a secretly held conspiracy, burn with hatred as an unwitting pawn to Jordin Sparks' orchestrated march to victory?

“I’ve moved on, and I hold my head up high.”

If only I could move on.

But when I remember the golden voice of Melinda Doolittle, and remember the odds she's overcome, only to have victory taken away from her because of some producer's notion that an American Idol should have a prominent neck, I just can't. I just can't...
----
What do think of the "oversight"? Who do you identify with: Melinda, Jordin, or Melissa?

Post American Idol Viewing Options

2007-05-29T23:17:00.000-05:00

With American Idol wrapped up, viewers are scrambling for something to watch.

Two suggestions that have popped up are also signs of the apocalypse:

Cheddar cheese aging in real-time on cheddarvision.tv
Three contestants fight over a kidney on The Big Donor Show, a new reality television program.

You can watch a the real-time cheese aging on cheddarvision.tv.

C'mon. You know you want to...

It's no Sanjaya, but more entertaining than Barry Gibb or Gwen Stefani's performance with Akon. Speaking of Akon, how do you think show producers would have reacted if he pulled the stunt he did in Trinidad with the 15 year old, live on Fox? Melinda Doolittle would've had a heart attack.

As far as the The Big Donor Show is concerned, we have your friends at the AP:

During the show, Lisa (the kidney donor) will hear interviews with the three candidates, their families and friends before choosing who will get her kidney. Viewers will be able to vote for a candidate via SMS text message, but the final determination will be Lisa's.

The shocking plot twist?

There's no guarantee the winner will actually receive the organ, because there is no tissue compatibility screening prior to the contestant selection.

So, the contestants, hoping for a donation, might actually get nothing.

But wait, there's more!

The organ donor has cancer and it's possible that her organs might spread the cancer.

With a 'prize' like that, it makes you wonder what the runners up get.

Before we start the "man folks outside of the U.S. are backwards" bandwagon, let's look at our own reality history.

If a show which encourages young wimmenz to make out with Flavor Flav is legal in the U.S., should we be surprised that The Big Donor Show produced by Endemol NV, which created Big Brother and Fear Factor, is legal in another country?

According to Reuters, BNN the network airing the show on Dutch TV, has broadcast other reality TV shows, including one called "Shooting and Swallowing" illustrating the impact of drug use, and another show on sex called "This is How You Screw".

One question from this despicable attempt at ratings must be answered:

Why isn't BNN offered by my cable carrier?

UPDATE: Rosie O'Donnell Outrage

2007-05-29T13:38:00.000-05:00

An update to the Rosie O'Donnell story:

There's a petition to get Elisabeth Hasselbeck fired from The View. You can find it here.

Where's Janette Barber's Legal Defense Fund for her political graffiti?

People need to get their priorities straight!

Tinky Winky: Eternal Scapegoat

2007-05-29T10:46:00.000-05:00

Reuters reports that Poland's conservative government picked up the Jerry Falwell baton in an attempt to curb what it sees as homosexual propaganda via Tinky Winky and the Teletubbies.

For those who forgot, Falwell issued an alert in 1999 over Tinky Winky's homosexual ways. In particular, his color (purple) and triangle shaped antenna. Both features, Falwell believed, were homosexual codes transmitted to impressionable Christian children.

I always thought the antenna was a silent protest against the Pro-Life movement, since it looks like an upside down coat-hanger.

Falwell's color hysteria made sense, since he was a segregationist. Poland, on the other hand, is more progressive. They just care about Tinky Winky's purse:

"At first I thought the purse would be a burden for this Teletubby ... Later I learned that this may have a homosexual undertone."

The article notes that Polish Education Minister Roman Giertych has proposed laws sacking teachers who promote "homosexual lifestyle" and banning "homo-agitation".

What is 'homo-agitation'? If anything, I thought the Teletubbies were homo-relaxation.

And what's the big deal with a purse?

Felix the Cat had one, and no one called him gay.

Is it because of reverse racism?

Turns out that Ewa Sowinska, Poland's government-appointed children rights watchdog, is seeking psychological assistance, not for her paranoia, but in helping to save the minds of young children.

This isn't the first time a shrink was called to protect kids from evil. In 1954, Dr. Frederic Wertham made a quick buck by suggesting that comic books were responsible for juvenile delinquency. His book Seduction of the Innocent postulated that Batman and Robin was a homosexual fantasy.

Yeah, right...

Lindsay Lohan Is Turning Into Gollum

2007-05-28T10:32:00.001-05:00

Lindsay Lohan, originator of the pantyless car exit, crashed her Mercedes in to a tree after a night of hard partying early Saturday morning and fled the scene. She was booked Saturday night on suspicion of driving under the influence (D.U.I.) Saturday night. What do investigators think she was influenced by? Cocaine found in her vehicle.

Contrary to popular speculation, her crazed behavior has nothing to do with Paris envy, bad parenting, or cocaine abuse. Lindsay Lohan is suffering from something far greater.

Take a look at her expression:
Does it look familiar? It should...
Lindsay Lohan's ridiculous behavior can be attributed to the fact that she's fiending for the Oscar, much like Gollum was fiending for the One Ring in Lord of the Rings.

And that fiending threatens her body, mind, and soul.

An article recently observed that you get "to be an Oscar-nominated actor" with "a little torture to the soul. It evidently worked for Joaquin Phoenix."

After a studio head went public with his frustration over Lindsay Lohan's partying ways during the filming of Georgia Rule, she probably freaked out when a reviewer compared it to Gigli, which effectively ended Ben Affleck's career and J.Lo hasn't fully recovered from:

Primarily, though, it's because Lohan's well-documented off-camera antics are such a distraction, as Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck's were, it's impossible to become engrossed in the film.

Lohan, confused by the negative press, probably took the assessment of Phoenix's Oscar fuel to heart: "Joaquin has great internal conflict on screen. He radiates torture, which is great, because what you want from actors is danger".

And who is stopping her?

Her Daddy Dearest wants her and her mother in rehab. Unless they can treat Oscar Fever, it would be pointless. She was already in rehab and it didn't work.

If someone helped Smeagol, he would have never turned into Gollum.

Someone needs to help Lindsay before she completes her turn.

More Fodder For The Conspriracy

2007-05-26T10:17:00.000-05:00

People magazine adds another link to the Jordin Sparks conspiracy AKA Melinda Doolittle wuz jerked via Blake Lewis:

Many Idol watchers – including the judges – say that Lewis' fate was sealed by the final song, "This is My Now," an emotional ballad that clearly suited Sparks' powerful voice over beat-boxer Blake. Lewis agrees. "'This is My Now" is definitely not my style, a song I would never sing if I didn't have to," he says. "It fit [Jordin] like perfectly. And I honestly think they should have had two songs that were tailored to both of us, but I'm so happy with being second place."

Also, Lisa DeMoraes "pretty girl vs goofy guy" summation is granted greater credence from Blake as well:

"I love being goofy"

The American Idol Producers loved it too, Blake.

And as far as being a sell-out?

Asked which previous American Idol has a career that he would like to emulate, "None of them," says Lewis. "I want to set my own path."

Didn't I tell you he was a rebel? Rock on, Blake Lewis.

Shilpa Shetty: Closer To Justice

2007-05-26T09:13:00.000-05:00

Fortunately, the BBC heard my plea to Free Shilpa Shetty.

If the BBC can apologize (sorry, it's British, so I'll try again)...

If the BBC can apologise for the horrid treatment of Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother, including referring to the actress as "Shilpa Poppadom"; another contestant saying that Shetty should "f*ck off" home; and a dispute over Shetty cooking a chicken, ending with housemates making abusive remarks about Indian eating habits, then surely the Indian Supreme Court should accept her motions in Geregate.

"Shilpa Poppadom" should not be confused with with Ultramagnetic MC's song Poppa Large...

Although referring to the svelte Indian Shetty as Poppa Large might make her believe that you're calling her a "fat black man".

That, in and of itself might not seem too bad, but it could set the stage for a legal trouble akin to what happened with Keira Knightley, who won a lawsuit against a newspaper who claimed she had an eating disdorder...and tried to blame her alleged anorexia for for the death of a 19 year old. I guess they don't know about TOFIs or how skinny beautiful women are persecuted. Just ask Cameron Diaz.

The Poppa Large confusion could raise another claim if it causes Shilpa to lose a suitor who beleives she's a dark, fat, black man instead of lightskinded...like the Indian guy who's arranged bride rebuffed him for being too dark.

The Indian Supreme Court needs to handle their country's color discrmination...after they help Shilpa first.

I mean, c'mon. She's been beaten, lonely, and abused! They gotta have their priorities straight, right?

It's Just A Mustache!

2007-05-25T11:59:00.001-05:00

Page Six reports that Rosie O'Donnell's chief writer Janette Barber was escorted from her workplace at The View for drawing mustaches on Elizabeth Hasselbeck's photos. ABC Legal and Human Resources are investigating the matter.

We shook our heads at the outrage over the Muhammad cartoons last year and now, on U.S. soil, we persecute the good ol' mustache trick?

What other freedoms are going to be trampled upon?

If an internationally known Brooklyn graffiti artist is facing 14 criminal counts for his art crimes, who knows what they'll do to Janette Barber for defacing the photos of right-wing, dim bulb sweetie Elizabeth Hasselbeck?

Rosie should start a defense fund for Barber, ASAP.

Ron Paul was right, the only way to curb this ignorance is to start assigning reading lists, although I'm not too sure which books I'd have the folks at ABC read to understand the chilling effect censoring a mustache pen will have on our future...

Jordin Sparks Idol Conspiracy EXPOSED!

2007-05-24T11:29:00.001-05:00

For decades, codebreakers scoured newspapers to decipher vast international conspiracies. With the advent of the Internet, it is possible to deconstruct massive media conspiracies by surfing the web.

Case in point?

Jordin Sparks was picked, packaged, and presented as the American Idol months before we knew she existed.

Don't believe me? Follow me on a journey which will have your head spinning and heart pumping. You will understand that Howard Stern was correct: Jordin Sparks' victory is a mass manipulation on a conspiratorial level unmatched since Jethro Tull won the heavy metal Grammy over Metallica.

(First, check yesterday's story on Howard Stern's theory, if you haven't already.)

One would think Howard was batty. That is, until one visited Tabloid Baby's article on Newsgasm revealing photos showing Jordin with Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson three years ago, even though they pretended not to know her when she auditioned.

Throughout the season, Jordin's mantra was "I'm Just 17 years old!", which as Lisa De Moraes notes, was what 'the show's three judges reminded viewers at every possible moment in the four-month-long competition.'

It's a marketing ploy which paid off, as every story covering American Idol mentions Jordin's age, and how she's the youngest idol EVER!

The marketing was burrowed in our brains by her duet with Blake Lewis covering The Beatles' "I Saw Her Standing There" which starts out with "She was just 17, you know what I mean..."

Blake Lewis, forever the rebel, wanted to spite the competition once he discovered the conspiracy:

After the show, Lewis told reporters backstage that he had pegged Sparks as the next "American Idol" weeks ago. "I feel great," he said. "I was trying to wear a 'Vote For Jordin Sparks' T-shirt last night but they wouldn't let me."

Who are the 'they' who wouldn't let Blake support Jordin? And how could 'they' convince Blake to prove his allegiance to 'them'? Did 'they' get to him? This isn't any mere mortal we're talking about. It's Blake Frickin' Lewis, who will beatbox his Jamiroquai all over your non-311 loving hindpots!

Perhaps 'they' were the puppetmasters pulling the strings on other Idol contestants in a story covered by TMZ:

"A.I." castoffs Antonella Barba, Haley Scarnato and Gina Glocksen are pretty clear as to who their pick to win "Idol" is... and it's not Blake Lewis. The three rejects have spent the last week asking all of their fans to vote for Jordin Sparks. The girls have posted bulletins non stop on each of their MySpace pages, urging readers to make Jordin the next "American Idol" winner.

Creepy enough for you?

There's even more...

A YouTuber believes that 'they' manipulated footage to boost Jordin's likelihood of winning and the video of Jordin's disappearing tears.

Evidence provided by Votefortheworst.com suggest the conspiracy of 'them' to increase Jordin's margin of victory was strengthened through the pro-life movement and Jordin's prominent anti-abortion stance, including appearing at anti-abortion rallies and having photos on her myspace account, courting the Christian Right.

What is the master plan?

There are three theories:

The first involves Capitalism:

'They' are American Idol producers who get money from exploiting Jordan Sparks. Jordin Sparks is young and cute. Tweens like her, and Tweens have more purchasing power than anyone else on the planet. And 'they' want to get Tweens money;

The second involves Politics:

'They' want to condition Americans to vote for Barak Obama as president, envisioned by Katherine Meizel:

I've been fantasizing about how the Season 6 lack-of-the-South upset might relate to the newly real potential of Barack Obama's presidential candidacy. Like our Top 2, he's not Southern; like Jordin, his family background is multiracial; and I think that if he were an American Idol contestant, he would probably wear sweater vests. Maybe the rise of Blake and Jordin is connected to the recent barometric shift in our political climate, away from the status quo and toward something, like Blake's beatboxing, more "contemporary." Or maybe it's just a singing competition after all.

(I have to note my continued befuddlement over the "beatboxing is contemporary" crap? Doug E. Fresh, the "original human beat box" (not to be confused with the Fat Boys Human Beat Box) performed "The Show" last night. Which was a hit...back in 1985!);

The third involves Religion:

'They' believe that America, no, the world, needs a Christian Idol after Bert, Cat Stevens, and Mickey Mouse converted to Islam.

And that Idol?

Jordin Sparks.

Whoever 'they' are, 'they' must be distraught since American Idol season finale ratings are down 19% from last year.

That's right, Taylor Hicks got higher ratings than Jordin.

'They' should have rigged the show to make the finals Sanjaya versus Melinda.

Oh, I fergot. According to Stern, that's what it would've been if 'they' didn't tinker with the results in the first place.

See what happens when you try to play God, 'they' who run American Idol?

Yes, Virginia, Melinda Doolittle WAS Jerked!

2007-05-23T10:55:00.001-05:00

Howard Stern was right. American Idol is rigged.

Last week, after Melinda Doolittle, the best singer in American Idol, lost to a beatboxer, we're all supposed to believe that American Idol is about singing, not perceived entertainment value, looks, or anything else.

Really?

That's what the judges kept on saying last night, as if last week didn't happen.

Or, as if American Idol had blind auditions, like orchestras fighting sexism or Bam Bam Flintsone, with contestants singing behind a screen.

Fortunately, one critic, Lisa de Moraes, didn't let them off the hook:

"Once again the final night of "American Idol" competition pits a goofy, likable guy with a crowd-pleasing schtick and not so much of a voice against a pretty young woman with a big, gorgeous voice but not so much entertainment value. No, not Taylor Hicks vs. Kat McPhee. That was last year. No, not Bo Bice vs. Carrie Underwood. That was two years ago."

The formula of goofy guy vs pretty girl means higher ratings for American Idol. Since this is the third season in a row where the final showdown has that formula, we're supposed to believe it's coincidence?

That ain't no coincidence! It's a fix!

Remember what I posted a few days ago:

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

What was the refrain last night?

American Idol is just a singing competition.

It would be one thing if Melinda was the only person to lose against an inferior singer. But what about Sanjaya's dominance? What about LaKisha Jones losing out to Blake?

Doesn't mean a thing. American Idol is just about singing.

If Flavor Flav faced off against Brad Pitt in the finals of the "Sexiest Man Alive" competition, do you think we'd let the judges get away with the same crap they tried to pull last night, if a week earlier Flav beat Johnny Depp?

Check out what American Idol Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe said:

"I'm delighted. I think it's the uniqueness of Blake and the actual growth of Jordin. Melinda and LaKisha (Jones) started off as front-runners, and I think Jordin overtook them. From the show's point of view, having two girls in the final wouldn't have been as strong as a boy and a girl."

Before last night's episode, Simon noted in the same article that the contest tune is "going to be harder for Blake to sing. It's more of a ballad."

Then why didn't the Producers level the playing field and pick a song that would work for Blake AND Jordin?

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

Any notion that American Idol is just a singing competition should have been destroyed on April 21, 2004 when Jennifer Hudson, LaToya London and Fantasia were in the bottom three. A few weeks later, Jasmine Trias stayed and London was voted off. Karma allegedly rectified things when Fantasia won.

But what about last season? Would Taylor Hicks have won because he was a better singer than Elliot Yamin, Chris Daughtry, and Katherine McPhee?

Millions of people, week after week, 'voted' for Taylor Hicks. In the finals, Hicks received over 31.7 MILLION VOTES, but only 667,000 of those people bought his album? And don't tell me that his mama bought all the copies.

American Idol executive producer Nigel Lythgoe concedes that the voters' choice isn't always the consumer choice, as seen in Hicks' record sales next to Daughtry's.

I ask you, is 'voter's choice' responsible for Melinda losing or is it the fact that Blake would be easier competition for a contestant the producers think they can make more money from?

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

Where is the outrage?

Where is the concern?

Where is the support for Melinda Doolittle?

I forgot.

We're lazy.
---------
Do you believe that the fix is on? Or is the 'boy vs girl' competition for the third year in a row a natural occurrence?

Paris Hilton: The Next Jerry Falwell?

2007-05-22T11:04:00.000-05:00

Through the magic of photojournalism, TMZ reveals what many have hoped for and others have feared: Paris Hilton has found religion.

Do you know what this means?

With Jerry Falwell's death, there's a void.

And Paris will fill it.

She was raised Catholic, but so was Martin Luther. And look what he did.

In fact, any deceased spiritual leader would trade places with Paris Hilton. In a heartbeat.

Don't believe me? Pick a dead spiritual leader and we'll conduct a seance right now and ask him/her/it "Would you switch places with Paris Hilton?".

But you won't conduct a seance, because you know that everyone wants to be like Paris. Lazy eye and all.

She didn't wait for incarceration to begin her work, she's studying now. She thought she'd have 45 days, but is only going to get 23. But don't worry, Paris will make due.

What are her religious plans?
Which denomination will she follow?
What does she have in store for us?

Who knows!

Just keep her away from Bert.

-----------
What do you think is Paris Hilton's plan? Do you think she even read the Bible?

The Real Victim in the Galilea Montijo Scandal

2007-05-21T00:11:00.001-05:00

For the past couple of weeks, there's been a scandal taking place on this here Internet involving a former reality show competitor, pornography, and the classic question of "is it or isn't it": Galilea Montijo.

Months ago, the subject of this query was Antonella Barba of American Idol fame. Antonella Barba was a contestant on American Idol with a voice so bad, even Paula Abdul bemoaned her success. Week after week, Antonella stayed on the show not because of her voice, but because she was hot. Antonella Barba was the first poster child for Votefortheworst.com over Sanjaya, since she had (ahem) less talent than Sanjaya. What made matters worse was a scandal involving Girls Gone Wildesque pictures of Antonella. The controversy was monumental because it was the first time most heterosexual men would call in to vote on American Idol numerous times to keep a contestant on air.

Their hope? If the photos surfacing were getting sluttier by the week, who knows WHAT would eventually pop up.

And pop up they did.

The only problem?

They weren't Antonella Barba.

Antonella took slutty photos, but the SUPER slutty picks were of someone who looked like her.

The controversy was so bad, even Simon gave her a supporting shout out on air. Whether Simon was one of the heterosexual males who was hoping for more was never confirmed.

Fast forward a few months later and enter Galilea Montijo.

A former winner of Big Brother Mexico, she went on to appear in a number of television shows. A sex tape popped up and the Internet went ABLAZE!

And it's still on fire.

Some people say the 'star' in the sex tape isn't Galilea Montijo.

Others say it isn't even a Mexican, but none other than Monique Fuentes, Colombian porn star:

What really bothers me about this, is the fact that people can't tell the difference between Mexicans and Colombians.

It's an outrage.

And it's the biggest scandal since Brucesploitation: The explosion of Bruce Lee impostors capitalizing on his image after his death to make a buck.

Brucesploitation was worse than Elvis impersonation, because I didn't waste $5 back in the day watching a phony Elvis in Enter The Game of Death, thinking it was a Bruce Lee movie and getting Bruce Le instead.

Or watching Return Of The Tiger with Bruce Li.

Hell, Elvis didn't ruin my hopes with Bruce Lee Fights Back From The Grave.

It was Bruce K.L. Lea.

Damn you, Bruce K.L. Lea, wherever you are! I was a just a kid and watched your crap movie instead of the Washington Redskins v. Dallas Cowboys football game! Of course, since I missed the game, the Redskins lost and, like every other kid, I thought that the Redskins would lose if I didn't watch them play.

I blamed myself. And it took me years to realize it wasn't my fault.

In wake of my little rant, let's not forget the real victims in scandals involving fakery:

The fans.

Out there, somewhere, there is a Galilea Montijo fanboy. Although there are plenty of other naked women in pornos he can ogle, he has his mind set on sweet Galilea.

And now?

His dreams are crushed.

And a little of us dies as well.

Oh, Adobe photoshop! Curses on your developers for playing your tawdry games!
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Where do you stand on celebrity fakes? And were you tricked by Brucesploitation? Which 'sploitation do you have some 'spaining to do?

Was Melinda Doolittle Robbed?

2007-05-20T10:23:00.001-05:00

It was only a matter of time.

People like to talk about disfranchisement of Florida voters in the 2000 elections.

Folks raged.

Al Gore punked out.

Bush became president.

Stacey Stillman, loser in the first season of Survivor, sued CBS claiming that the producers arranged her exit and orchestrated the show's outcome.

Jim McAllister rigged the vote against Tracy Flick in the movie Election. Tracy cried her poor eyes out, but justice was served. In the end, she got the presidential crown she greatly deserved.

Was Melinda Doolittle a victim of similar skullduggery?

According to Howard 100 news, American Idol lied about the results to get rid of Melinda Doolittle:

The show decided to switch horses at the last minute...Blake Lewis was allegedly scheduled to be told to go home last night, until Idol producers changed their minds. Our source claiming Simon Cowell allegedly said quote “F--- Howard Stern,” and added that the Idol result last night would be the opposite of what Howard 100 News reported. All of which might explain the strange subdued mood on American Idol last night.

Not only did they make that allegation, Howard 100 went a step further and purports that in 6 seasons only two American Idol’s have been picked by the viewing public.

The source claims that this season, producers of the show had allegedly decided to go straight, to let viewer votes decide the winner, but panicked when Howard Stern and VotefortheWorst.com backed Sanjaya. The show then reverted back to picking the winner, according to our source. The source claims Sanjaya was running away with the competition, until producers decided to take back control and throw him off the show in spite of Sanjaya’s alleged vote victories.

Yes, it all goes back to Sanjaya.

I told you he was supposed to win!

The story concluded with three sources telling Howard 100 News that Jordin Sparks has long been scheduled to be the winner of American Idol.

Is this just a rumor?

Melinda did seem subdued.

And what about her t-shirt?

It says "Death Cheaters". Is it a message? Did she really mean "death to the cheaters"? Who are the cheaters she's referencing? The producers who rigged the vote?

Here's the shirt in full:

(you can find them here).

Get your conspiracy caps on!

Did American Idol producers rig the results to spite Howard Stern?
Was Melinda Doolittle's choice of garb a product of knowing she was going to be wronged?
Will producers go with the alleged original plan: Jordin Sparks as YOUR American Idol?
Or, since the cat is out of the bag, will American Idol producers flip the script and have Blake Lewis win?

This is nothing new. Back in the 50's, Quiz Shows were the rage. Sponsors and producers realized that keeping popular contestants on the show would increase ratings and revenue.
So they rigged the results. When bitter, loser contestants ratted, the ratings dipped.
Congress soon got involved and passed laws regulating game shows. Quiz Shows disappeared for decades, but they're back. And people are still complaining (for more on Quiz Show scandals, click here.)

Until American Idol releases the results, people will claim it's rigged. Hell, even if the results were released, people will still claim it's rigged.

As for me?

I look at that great source of nerd inspiration, The Matrix, for guidance:

"You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy, and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss."

Like Cypher, instead of raging against an illusionary construct...instead of turning my back on the show...

I'm gonna watch.

Blake and Jordin may not be as juicy and delicious as Cyber's steak, but watching Blake's horrid beatboxing and Jordin's awkward gesturing while screeching through a song, sure as hell beats watching NCIS!
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Do you think American Idol is rigged? Does it matter? Would Sanjaya have won?

In Search of the Magical Hood

2007-05-18T10:55:00.000-05:00

Jaslene Gonzalez won America's Next Top Model and proclaimed:

"I'm the Latin spice here. I'm not your girl next door but I'm your girl down the block in your hood."

Ain't nobody in my hood, current and past hoods included, look like that.

This, along with J.Lo's assertion that she's just your average girl from the hood has me perplexed.

We got LaKishas. We got women who look like Selena's killer, and, if the neighborhood is getting gentrified, Rosie O'Donnell, but TOFI superstars like Jaslene and J.Lo? Hell to the no! (a primer on TOFIs can be found here)

You're more likely to find a guy dressed in a bee outfit like Jerry Seinfeld at Cannes.

Where is this magical hood, filled with popstars and models?

The closest I can think of is Paradise Island AKA Themyscira, where Wonder Woman lives.
It's filled with honeys.

Amazon honeys.

The only catch? Man can't step foot on it.

A friend of mine, back in the day, thought Paradise Island was in Los Angeles:

"It's like all of the best looking girls from every American high school moved there. For real. I went to school in Iowa. When I visited LA last week? I saw her. She moved there a year ago!"

George Costanza found a 'forbidden city' just like Paradise Island, when he used a photo of Jerry's 'man hands' amazon. He had access until he lost the picture and got kicked out. When he returned, the city vanished.

Maybe the magical hood, like George's forbidden city and Wonder Woman's Paradise Island, exists, but we just don't have the appropriate ghetto pass.

No wonder some rappers say they'll never leave the projects.

Maybe the 'projects' they're referencing is actually the magical hood.

Can you blame them for staying?
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Have you been to the magical hood? Why are Black and Latina TOFIs so quick to claim the hood, while White TOFIs rarely claim the trailer park?

Melinda Doolittle, Victim of Laziness

2007-05-17T11:18:00.000-05:00

Since Melinda Doolittle was voted off American Idol last night, folks are scrambling for reasons why the most talented, consistent performer isn't going to be in the finals.

One reviewer from the Washington Post theorizes:

Everything about Jordin and Blake seemed younger -- they are younger, truth be told -- and it's a truism that America worships youth.

Do Americans worship youth?

If you look at the top grossing movies for 2007, according to Box Office Mojo, all of the top 5 movies have old farts in them:

1	Spider-Man 3
2	300
3	Wild Hogs
4	Ghost Rider
5	Blades of Glory

Spider-Man has been around since the 60s.
300 = Old Spartan farts.
Wild Hogs has an ensemble cast of old farts.
Nicholas Cage. Nuff said.
Will Ferrell = funny old fart.

If we worshipped youth, how do you explain the M.I.L.F. phenomenon?

How do you explain old as dirt Taylor Hicks beating the younger Katherine McPhee in last season's American Idol finale?

And how do you explain my broke ass, raggedy 65 year old neighbor still pulling honeys?

Something else is afoot.

I, like many others, stopped voting for Melinda weeks ago because she seemed to be a shoo in. There wasn't a sense of urgency to make sure her old (by American Idol standards) ass passed to the next round.

Once Chris Richardson and Sanjaya lost, the tween vote went to Blake.

And tweens are rabid.

Look at the footage from last night. The crowds for Blake and Jordin were buckwild. Melinda's fans, on the other hand, looked like paid extras and family members of the American Idol camera crew...much like that weird, fat, hairy guy in all of the American Idol Ford commercials.

If you really want to know how we are, let's look at some recent events:

We know that gas shouldn't be $4 a gallon...
We know that Michael Buble shouldn't have the #1 album of the week...
We know that Richard Gere shouldn't be persecuted for making out with a hot Bollywood actress...

And what do we do about it?

Not a goddamn thing!

So, I ask you again, is the reason why Melinda Doolittle lost because Americans worship youth?

Nope. We're just lazy.
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Why do you think Melinda was voted off last night? And, who the hell is buying Michael Buble's album?

MLK = Bob Marley = R. Kelly?

2007-05-16T13:13:00.000-05:00

Page Six has an awesome quote from a new interview with R. Kelly in Hip-Hop Soul Magazine:

"My greatest competition is, well, me . . . I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now."

And I agree with the "R", if we break down what he's trying to say.

I only disagree with him limiting his greatness to Black heroes instead of other noteworthy luminaries such as Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and Chuck Norris. It is troubling, as his issue knows no racial boundaries.

MLK, Ali, and Marley challenged peoples pre-conceived notions.

To the average racist of the 60's, the thought of little black children and little white children holding hands was horrific. Martin Luther King brought that image to the forefront of American consciousness. Now, we have MLK day as a national holiday.

To the average racist of the 60's, the thought of a outspoken athlete was abominable. Muhammad Ali brought that image to the forefront of American consciousness. Now, we applaud Ali as a pioneer and welcome outspoken athletes like Charles Barkley.

To the average racist of the 70's, the thought of a profound poet from Jamaica was inconceivable. Bob Marley brought that image to the forefront of American consciousness. Now, TIME Magazine calls Bob Marley's Exodus record the greatest album of the 20th century.

What R. Kelly means to humanity, quite honestly, has nothing to do with race.

To the average, sane, well-adjusted, socially responsible, resident of the 21st century without a criminal record, the thought of a person peeing on anyone, much less and underage girl, is repulsive. Yet, R. Kelly still sells albums with allusions to his impropriety. Some of us have learned to block it out when we're buying his records, grooving to his jams, or reading about his tribute to Virginia Tech.

No one has quite distinguished themselves as much as R. Kelly has in human mitteration.

His case has been dragging for years, and, who knows? Maybe it will finally take place before global warming causes glaciers to wash away life as we know it, much like R. Kelly's golden showers threatened to drown out his career.

But that's just a nagging detail.

In the interim, let's all pour a few drops in honor of this noteworthy pioneer.
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Do you think R. Kelly is worthy? What "icons" are more appropriate for him? And when do you think he's going to trial?

Sanjaya and Drag Queens...This Soon?!?

2007-05-15T14:14:00.000-05:00

If Sanjaya had to compete against these drag queens, he'd be TOAST.

I didn't think he'd run out of his 15 minutes so quickly!

Somehow, being a contestant on 'I Love New York' Season 2 doesn't seem that farfetched!

You can find the video here.

Forget Paris, Free Shilpa!

2007-05-15T10:41:00.000-05:00

According to Reuters, India's Supreme Court has suspended all legal proceedings against Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty in Geregate. Apparently, the petitioner who filed against her is upset that she didn't resist Richard Gere's obsene act.

You know. Wanting to make out with a hot woman.

Gere has apologized to Shetty on a daily basis for the real, yet understandable, crime: Being Jealous of Richard Tiffany Gere.

The next step for Shetty is filing a motion which would enable her to leave the country without being groped...I mean stopped...by cops.

They need to leave this poor woman alone. She already went through hell trying to show support for circus animals with Peta. An experience which she says left her uncomfortable in a small cage:

“But what were a few fleeting moments of discomfort for me compared to what life must be like for the precious animals held captive in the circus? These once dignified animals only leave their cages, which are barely larger than the size of their bodies, for a few minutes each day to be forced into the ring to perform tricks which make no sense and are upsetting to them"

Like circus animals, the Gere 'Shall We Dance' re-enactment was upsetting and made no sense to Shetty.

Why should she continue to be persecuted?

Bobby on Osama, Gays, and Comedy

2007-05-14T10:44:00.000-05:00

Some people run with the bulls.
Others wrestle alligators.
ITV's Jamie Campbell chose to risk his life by spending 24 Hours With...Bobby Brown (check the video).

A casual observer would be outraged, but the casual observer didn't have his show canceled, lose parental custody, or Osama Bin Laden on they ass:

"He wanted to have me killed because he was in love with Whitney. He wanted to marry Whitney and make her one of his wives. That's some s**t. I'm still on my guard. The most wanted man in the world wants (me) dead."

Yes, Osama Bin Laden wants Bobby Brown dead.

Since Bobby has increased his security in response, who knows how Osama will try to "touch" him.

Will he deploy Bert? Farfur? Cat Stevens?

Let's hope he hasn't reached New Edition.

Bobby may be able to handle his own against one of them, but against all five?

He doesn't stand a chance.

It would be a N.E. Heartbreak quite different than the one alluded to in the New Edition song:

N.E. heartbreak is coming to your town
Beware of N.E. heartbreak
Spreading fast and there's no cure
No need to run from heartache
It's gonna get you, get you for sure

Watch out during that reunion tour, Bobby!
------
Which New Edition member do you think Osama will deploy against Bobby Brown?

Beckham, Olsen, Richie: Hidden Fatties?

2007-05-11T10:55:00.000-05:00

Victoria Beckham, The Olsen Twins, and Nicole Richie may look thin to you, but they might be fat messes.

Internally, that is.

According to a London study, a large number of thin people that diet are TOFI's (Thin Outside, Fat Inside) and have major deposits of internal fat, even if they appear slim.

The report asserts that a sumo wrestler is more likely to be internally thin than your favorite skelebrity, because a sumo's fat is stored under the skin, not streaking through vital organs and muscles.

That's right.

A sumo wrestler is thinner than Nicole Richie was when she was gorging on junk.

One wonders how many other skelebrities are really porkers...on the inside.

This should be good news for Cameron Diaz, who wants to be treated like a 300 pounder, instead of being persecuted for being thin:

"If a woman who's a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average."

Maybe Cameron is 300 pounds inside, but just doesn't know it.

Who do we blame? According to a recent study, fathers are responsible for obesity in children.

So Bobby Brown was correct on his show 'Being Bobby Brown', when he said Bobbi Kristina was big because of him.

Poor Bobbi Kristina.

More shocking? A new poll shows that parents are more concerned that their kids are fat than whether their kids get knocked up, shot/beat up at school, or stalked by on-line pedophiles.

Maybe that's why Alec Baldwin screamed at his daughter for being a pig. He, like the parents polled, cares more about weight than abuse and neglect.

What the hell is he and the other parents going to do when they find out that they're kids might be TOFI?

Let the madness begin!
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Who do you think is TOFI? How about Hollywood 'fatties' who are FOTI?

First Cat Stevens, Then Bert, Now Mickey?

2007-05-10T11:34:00.000-05:00

Militancy. The new Black.

First, mild mannered Cat Stevens, writer of songs like 'Moonshadow' and "Peace Train' became Yusuf Islam and called for Salman Rushdie's head:

Then, peaceful curmudgeon Bert dropped Ernie to hang with Osama and become poster child against the West:

Now Mickey gets militant and hosts a Hamas kiddie show:

The show is broadcast throughout the Gaza Strip on Hamas' Al-Aqsa TV station, telling children to strive for "world leadership under Islamic leadership." They sing songs with lyrics like "We will destroy the chair of the despots, so they will taste the flame of death."

Captain America gets killed and now the world has gone to hell.

Was it worth it, Marvel Comics?

Now is the time for Obama to put aside his differences and protect his Cousin Pookie from becoming yet another victim of militancy's hard, yet alluring embrace.

Super Mario's Troubles with Cho, Dix, and Addiction

2007-05-09T10:40:00.000-05:00

Super Mario is on track to have the worst year ever.

First, Seung-Hui Cho imitated a Super Mario 'Hammer Brother' before engaging in horrific behavior at Virginia Tech.

Now, we've learned that a terrorist plot against Fort Dix surfaced from a restaurant inspired by the noble plumber: Super Mario Pizza.

Is it any wonder that Super Mario now lives in Brooklyn? Unemployed? With a mushroom addiction?

Super Mario was created to inspire love, not hate...even if you saw the horrid 1993 Super Mario Bros movie or even worse, Fred Savage's 1989 Super Mario movie 'The Wizard'.

Now, it seems that Super Mario has turned into 21st Century's 'The Catcher In The Rye', a work blamed for the Reagan Assassination attempt, John Lennon's murder, and is the most banned book in the U.S.

In high school, we had to get signed permission slips from our parents in order to read 'The Catcher In The Rye'.

What fate will befall Super Mario?

An adult rating? Government oversight?

Let's hope we at least get a ban on Super Mario movies.

That's the most humane thing to do for our vulnerable youth.

Forget Britney, Save Sanjaya from New York!

2007-05-08T10:52:00.000-05:00

If you visit VH1's 'I Love New York' reality dating show website (where we found the lovely photo to the left) you will see Sanjaya as a contestant. "He" is vying for one of five voter selected contestant slots who will appear on the second season.

For the uninitiated, Tiffany 'New York' Pollard (no relation to Richard Tiffany Gere) is bombastic, ghetto in stilettos. New York's show is her attempt to find love after being rejected twice by Flavor Flav. She was such a hit, VH1 gave her a show.

In the 'I Love New York' season finale, New York picked Patrick 'Tango' Hunter to be her man. He responded by asking for her hand in marriage. She accepted, but he kicked her to the curb on the reunion show, because he found out that she broke bad on his moms.

Imagine what she'd do to Momjaya.

What would Sanjaya do in a house with thugs, ugly pretty boys, and cretins?

New York once had the contestants box one another. 'Mr. Boston', the resident punk-ass, got his nose broken by 'Chance', a street tough...who loves horses so much he named his rap group 'Stallionaires' .

The question remains, is it really Sanjaya? The video looks authentic. So does the quote. TMZ weighs in on it, but is uncertain.

The only problem with believing it's the real Sanjaya?

The casting call for the show requires applicants to be 21+.

His age on the website: 21.

The real Sanjaya is 17.

Is this an attempt by VH1 to lure Sanjaya faithful to a new season of celebreality or, as queerty suggests, folks can't tell Indians apart? Or is Sanjaya committing the equivalent of underage drinking? Maybe VH1 made a 'Sanjaya age exemption'?

I guess we'll find out.

One could dream, though. And if we can't dream? Why bother living?
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Do you think it's the real Sanjaya? How do you think he'll do on the show?

Don't Make Richard Gere Have To Call Somebody

2007-05-07T14:48:00.000-05:00

Turns out that Indian Magistrate Judge Dinesh Gupta, who issued arrest orders for Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty after their public kiss, has been handled:

The Times of India reported Thursday that Gupta was transferred from his post in Jaipur to the small town of Kishangarh several hours away. The paper quoted High Court Commissioner C.P. Singh as saying the transfer was “routine,” but he noted that the order came from a state chief justice. Officials could not immediately be reached for comment.

Notice what Singh said? The order came up from high. Who do you think was pulling strings to put that ass in line?

Even if you live a few continents away, you can't escape him.

Richard Gere will get you demoted if you try to get in the way of sexual progress!

Know Gere.
Love Gere.
Fear Gere.

I'm Spider-Man, B*tch!

2007-05-07T10:55:00.000-05:00

For the past three weeks, Hollywood lost they mind:

Take a moment to appreciate the specialness of this Monday morning, where Shia LaBeouf is currently the biggest movie star in America.

He's one of the fastest-rising stars in Hollywood, and if you needed any more proof that Shia LaBeouf's time is now, look no further than his top-five box-office openings.

LaBeouf's movie 'Disturbia' grossed $52.1 million in 17 days. It was also announced that he'll star in the next Indiana Jones.

Hollywood went crazy for their new star.

Shia LaBeouf, destroyer of Bruce Willis.
Shia LaBeouf, conqueror of Quentin Tarantino.
Shia LaBeouf, buggerer of Will Ferrell.

Then, along came a spider.

Spider-Man 3 made more in one day than alleged Box Office honcho Shia LeBouf made in 3 weeks. Like Chris Rock said, there are a lot of great actors, but few real stars.

Shia LaBeouf, star?

Spider-Man is a star. Too busy thinking about the ladies to care about Shia LaBeouf.

You could see this coming a mile away. Youngins playing with the Big Boys. It's like folks wondering if USC could beat the Raiders when they couldn't even beat Vince Young.

It's like they wanted to set Shia up for failure. He had a #1 movie against weak competition. Kudos for him. But he went up against a true beast...and got whupped.

Let's hope he doesn't try something drastic, like trying to get buzz by getting bitten by a spider. Some kid in Oregon had two spiders nesting in his ear, and all he got was rice crispies sounds and an article...with no photo.

Since Sony Pictures has announced at least another three Spider-Man flicks, maybe Shia will be able to do some damage when Spider-Man 6 rolls around?

Perhaps if Tobey Maguire stays true to his word and Spider-Man 3 is last appearance, Shia has a chance.

He could play Spider-Man. Then he'd have his revenge...

Paris Hilton's Master Prison Plan

2007-05-05T10:52:00.000-05:00

Feel sorry or smug that Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail?

Don't be.

It's all a part of an intricate plan to put her back on the media map.

Let's look at the facts:

Paris violated at least three terms of her probation.

And what did she do to violate the terms?

She decided not to enroll in an alcohol education course. She chose to drive a brand new Bentley at 70 MPH in a 35 MPH zone WITHOUT HEADLIGHTS and valid drivers license. To top things off, Paris was late for court.

You'd think this was a product of blondness, but I say thee NAY!

It was a calculated attempt.

Think about it.

Paris Hilton failed as an actress.
Paris Hilton failed as a singer.

What did she have success with?

Reality Television and Porn.

That's why Desissified theorizes three reasons for her jail time:

First reason: A Career As A Gangsta Rapper.

As a singer, she had the best producers money could buy. But she had no credibility. With a stint in jail, she'll be keeping it real by rapping. You laugh, but have you spent time in the slammer for spitting in the face of authority?

What? You haven't?

Paris Hilton has.

And as far as street cred?

Paris Hilton > You

Second reason: Reviving Her Reality Television Career.

'The Simple Life' was a ratings sensation. Now it's on E. With a prison bid, she can do a reality series prepping for prison. Then she can do a show in jail, with a follow up showing her adjustment to the pampered life afterwards. You think Paris on a farm was funny? Imagine her combing her blonde tresses in a mirror made of polished metal after a steady diet of chicken!

Paris Hilton in prison = Ratings GOLD

Third reason: Reviving Her Film Career.

Paris can star in a 21st Century version of 'Black Mama, White Mama' with Lil' Kim: Shower scenes, cat fights, bondage: Exploitation at its finest. And if she can't get a studio to back her, she'll do a scaled down porn version.

Paris Hilton, by hook or by crook, will bastardize her prison time.

And you will watch it.

So, don't cry for Paris Hilton.

Cry for Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros.

They were busted for drunk driving. Michelle Rodriguez violated her probation with the arrest. And what did they get in return? They were kicked off 'LOST'.

They could've come up with a plan to exploit the controversy...if they were as smart and calculating as Paris Hilton.

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What do you think is Paris Hilton's plan? Will it work? Any other prison remakes you think she'll do? And how would you cast it?

The Hoff Needs KITT, Now More Than Ever

2007-05-04T10:19:00.000-05:00

Just when you thought we'd see the end of Celebrity Dad Horror stories, David Hasselhoff, AKA "The Hoff", got his shirtless, cheeseburger-eating, drunk-ass caught on video by his daughter. She warns him that if he gets liquored up, he'll get busted by his doctor and won't be able to play cross dressing stage director Roger DeBris in the 'Producers'.

Again, I ask you, is Alec Baldwin really THAT bad?

KITT would have never allowed this kind of behavior. If you don't remember, in Knight Rider, the Hoff was kept in check by KITT, his talking car. KITT could simulate sounds like a police raid to fool criminals or a wild animal's growl, to scare away animals intending to pee on his tires. KITT could also speak fluently in French, Spanish, and other English dialects, like a New Yawk accent.

If KITT were around today, he could have taken on the role of a drug counselor, career coach, or therapist, thereby saving the Hoff and his family from shame.

But, the Hoff, in his infinite wisdom was more interested in recording a rap record with Ice T, than keeping his trusty friend and adviser.

And that's a damn shame.

As for the underlying controversy, things have definitely changed since I was a kid.

When I was in 5th grade, a classmate caught her parents "in the act".

In 6th grade, my best friend's mother wrote a cartoon character on his leg, after she spent a drunken night out on the town.

In both cases, kids didn't know whether to believe it or not.

Most thought they were full of it.

Now we have digital cameras and YouTube.

Parents, you have been warned.
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Think that's all? Banality Fair reports that Washington Wizard Gilbert Arenas wanted to show that the NBA has bad daddy skillz too. What a way to count down to Father's Day!

Obama's Nemesis REVEALED

2007-05-03T10:37:00.000-05:00

It had to happen.

Every major do-gooder has a nemisis.

Shazam has Black Adam.

Grey's Anatomy has Isaiah Washington.

Now we've learned that Barack Obama has Cousin Pookie.

No one knows what Pookie looks like. My assumption is he must be modeled after Pookie from New Jack City.

The question on a lot of people's minds is, 'why does it have to be a brotha?' And if he has to be a brotha, why not make him a "magic negro" like J.C. from the Green Mile?

David Ehrenstein believes it's because Obama is the magic negro himself, but I don't believe it. If a "magic negro" exists, it's Will Smith, because only magic can make a piece of crap like 'Getting Jiggy With It' a #1 song and a dud like 'I, Robot' a hit movie.

But I digress...

Having an "evil Negro" was successfully employed by George Bush in the 1988 election and Bill Clinton coined the phrase Sister Souljah moment by using a black rapper as his nemesis.

Even Santa Claus has an evil Negro (Zwarte 'Black' Piet) to further his political agenda.

At times like these, if you can't trust Santa, who can you trust?

We need a true hero.

An icon above all icons.

Superman.

Surely he is immune to having an evil negro. He had Lex Luthor. Bald whiteboy. Why can't Obama be like Superman?

Wait a minute. Who's that guy underneath Lex Luthor?

That's right.

It's Bizarro, Supeman's exact opposite, who was backwards and did everything wrong.

Bizarro spoke in ebonics...

Bizarro, like Undercover Brother, had a weakness for "Black Man's Kryptonite" AKA the "White She-Devil"...

Bizarro isn't really white after all.

He's just lightskinded.

I guess Obama is more like Superman than I thought...

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So, now that Obama has his Cousin Pookie, what are the other candidates going to do? Is everyone going to pick an "evil negro" or will other ethnicities be empoyed? Who are your top candidates for Hilary, Rudy, McCain or Edwards nemesis?

Keep Sanjaya Away From Hookahs!

2007-05-02T11:09:00.000-05:00

TMZ reports that the National Enquirer acquired a photo showing Momjaya with a hookah and lighter.

The question is, what was she smoking?
Before you get in Sanjaya Weed Watch high alert mode, let's take a step back.

For the uninitiated, a hookah is a multi-stemmed, often glass-based water pipe device for smoking. Alice in Wonderland featured a hookah smoker.

Hookahs, when legally used, can be filled with fruit-flavored tobacco.

Hookahs, when illegally used, can be filled with hashish or opium.

It is estimated that hookahs are legally used daily, for hours on end, by over a hundred million men and women, in Asia, Europe and Africa, at the local coffee shop or at home.

Before you rush out and pick up a bong, USA Today reported that not everything is rosy about hookahs:

• A hookah, which is smoked for about 45 minutes, delivers 36 times more tar than a cigarette, 15 times more carbon monoxide and 70% more nicotine.

• In a June 2004 study, Jane Henley, an epidemiologist at the American Cancer Society, found that men who smoked water pipes had five times the risk of lung cancer as non-smokers.

The most damning thing about hookah smoking?

A study in the Journal of Periodontology found that water pipes smokers were five times more likely than non-smokers to show signs of gum disease.

The last thing we need is a toothless Sanjaya!

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What do you think is in the hookah Momjaya is smoking?

R. Kelly's Virginia Tech 'Tribute' or Guilt?

2007-05-02T10:08:00.000-05:00

After ruminating that Seung-Hui Cho might have been a victim of mitteration, reports have surface that R. Kelly has written a song about Virginia Tech:

Kelly wrote the inspirational ballad after watching the events unfold on television while he was on tour

Does it seem far fetched that guilt from Kelly's love of water sports motivated him to write the song?

According to Mediatakeout, the Cook County State Attorney's office believes that Kelly was bragging about being untouchable and incriminated himself in the lyrics to his latest song 'Make It Rain.':

You gon' make me aim this, leave your *** brainless...Skeet Skeet Skeet Skeet, Weatherman 'bout to make it rain!

R. Kelly's Virginia Tech song is called 'Rise Up' and will be released on May 15th.

Of course, R. Kelly wrote the song before the Cho-Spector-Kelly post, so we can't take credit for making R. Kelly feel guilty enough to do something to atone for his watery sins....

...unless R. Kelly has Nostradamus powers which makes him see into the future.

If that were the case, you'd think he'd know he'd get caught...

...unless his Nostradamus powers are limited to blog entries. Or maybe he was visited by a traveler from the future who warned him just in time.

Maybe the traveler from the future, like Bill and Ted, had to assemble a talented team of urinators and urinatees to save the future from utter destruction.

We know they probably went after R.Kelly, Chuck Berry, and Phil Spector. Let's just hope that Bill and Ted did enough research to know that Phil should be unarmed during the recording sessions.
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Who do you think Bill and Ted would have on their all-star pee-pee squad? And is there more to R.Kelly's song than meets the eye?

Spector, Cho and R. Kelly

2007-05-01T11:37:00.000-05:00

Stop whatever you are doing right now and read Radar Magazine's Fifty Years of Phil Spector: A History of Violence.

Defamer liked the life-sized inflatable dummy replica of himself in the passenger seat of his wife's car to prevent other men from picking up on her, but the thing that stood out to me was Phil Spector being urinated on by four men who apparently didn't like his performance with the Teddy Bears band.

We always hear about the urinators, like R. Kelly and Chuck Berry, but never from the urinatees like Phil Spector.

Instead of blaming movies for Seung-Hui Cho's behavior, maybe we should look into whether anyone peed on him. Or maybe he was an extra for the Dave Chappelle skit.

You might laugh, but Phil sure loved whipping out guns whenever he had issues, whether it's recording music with John Lennon, forcing himself on women, performing with the Ramones or drinking kosher red wine.

Let's hope Sanjaya doesn't love John Lennon's "Imagine" (which Spector produced) so much he wants to record little symphonies for kids with him. Otherwise we'd have to start a Sanjaya Peed Watch.

Also, Radar listed another entry to the Notorious Celebrity Parent Behavior list:

Gary tells of being blindfolded and sexually molested by his father as a "learning experience," while Donte reports that, at the tender age of nine, he was blindfolded, handcuffed, and forced to simulate intercourse with his father's girlfriend.

Again, I ask you, is Alec Baldwin really that bad?

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What do you think about the Kelly-Cho-Spector connection? Should R. Kelly increase his security? Do you feel differently about Alec Baldwin? And how about poor Sanjaya?!?

Cutting Alec Baldwin Some Slack

2007-04-30T16:27:00.000-05:00

Last week, I got all preachy about Alec Baldwin calling his daughter a "thoughtless little pig". After reading Kiros' comment, I took a long, soulful look back to my youth.

At 11 or 12, whatever the age is, as Mr. Baldwin put it, you do some pretty thick headed things. I sure as hell did when I was that age and got called names much worse than "thoughtless little pig" in addition to getting whipped.

Before you get all ridiculous, realize that although Alec Baldwin lost his cool, he isn't that bad when you put things in context.

How bad, you ask?

Here's a list of Celebrity Parental Behavior more notorious than Alec Baldwin's:

Scary Spice naming her kid after Eddie Murphy...if the vasectomy rumor is true/Eddie Murphy...if the baby is his. See Dr. J.

Michael Jackson's parenting skills. Start saving for the therapy now.

Gary Coleman's parents pimped him out and took his money.

Joan Crawford beat her kid with wire hangers.

Joe Simpson's ranting about Jessica Simpson's Double D's and other...behavior around his daughters.

Britney Spears' car seat fiasco and pantyless antics. However, Britney didn't learn her bad parenting through Paris Hilton. She was influenced by the original 'clubbing while kids are home' kingpin.

Doctor Doom adopted a kid named Kristoff, who suggested that he team up with another supervillan. Doom's response? Choking the hell out of Kristoff! We're not going to comment on the crazy things Kristoff must've seen around Daddy Doom...

Darth Vader chopped off the hand of his son, Luke Skywalker.

Aerosmith's Steven Tyler getting "custody":

The 27 year front mans eye was caught by a 14 year old girl named Diana Hall. The pair fell in love and Tyler moved her into her Boston apartment so that they could be together- but only after Halls parents signed her over to Tyler as her guardian.

And the worst?

In the American Idol prelim round, Momjaya brazenly stating on national television that her daughter is better than Sanjaya. Clearly he is superior performer.

He is, after all, Sanjaya.

So what possibly did she mean? That he doesn't smoke enough weed? Another note for the weed watch:

See? Alec isn't that bad after all, is he?

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Were we too harsh on Alec Baldwin? What bad celebrity parenting did we miss?

Captain America: Dead and Loving It!

2007-04-28T13:19:00.001-05:00

Captain America, unlike Tupac, Biggie, and Jim Morrison has returned from the dead.

Unless you've been under a rock, you'd know that Captain America was murdered by a sniper in March.

I would say he got assassinated, but that depends on the interpretation.

If we perform a Chris Rock analysis, maybe his ass just got shot:

When we got no leaders, when something happens we make (things) bigger than it is. It's big, but don't make it bigger than it is. I'm watching the news, and like, 'Tupac Shakur was assassinated. Biggie Smalls, assassinated. Struck down by assassin's bullets.' I'm like, 'No, they wasn't!' Martin Luther King was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two n***** got shot.

So, did Captain America get assassinated or shot?

CBS refers to Cap's death as a result of a struggle between national security and civil liberties.

ABC called it an assasination.

(Un)Fortunately, the question is moot.

Captain America is ALIVE.

Not flesh-eating zombie "alive":

Not doing a duet on American Idol with Celine Dion "alive".

Not on an island like Tupac "alive".

Good ol' Cap was busted with a burrito in his pants, groping women and getting his drink on.

Tupac, Kurt Cobain, Elvis, Biggie and tons of other dead guys could learn a lot from a true "dead" American hero.

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How could Biggie, Tupac, or Elvis top Captain America's performance? What do you think is next for Cap?

Richard Gere: Sexual Trailblazer

2007-04-27T10:52:00.000-05:00

When you hear the words "sexual trailblazer", who do you think of?

Al Kinsey?

Nerd.

Sigmund Freud? Punk ass.

Elvis?Poseur.

Madonna?
Oh, Hell to the No!

THE Sexual Trailblazer?

Richard Tiffany Gere.

The recent Indian furor with Shilpa Shetty may seem out of character for a humble Buddhist, but behind that facade lies a man who has taken sexual issues and shoved it in the face of prudishness.

In Looking for Mr. Goodbar, he played a jealous and possessive playa-playa.
In American Gigolo, he was the first major Hollywood actor to engage in full frontal nudity.
Pretty Woman brought prostitution to the mainstream...in a Disney movie!

Elvis and Madonna may have had envelope pushing controversies in the past, but what did they do last week?

Elvis came back from the dead to sing with Celine Dion.
Madonna visited Malawi.

Richard Gere, on the other hand, was chilling on The Daily Show cracking jokes while he's facing arrest in India.

Richard Gere may be wanted in India for "transgressing all limits of vulgarity", but he's not afraid. He's been here before. And if he can face the wrath of Rambo and the scorn of society through a vicious gerbil rumor, he can weather this storm.

Best believe that.

Sanjaya Weed Watch

2007-04-26T07:09:00.000-05:00

Defamer analyzes Sanjaya's claim that he isn't gay in a People article.

The reason why he's so fey?

He UNDERSTANDS women:

Malakar, whose parents divorced when he was 3, says his ease with women comes from being close to his mom and his sister, Shyamali, who were his biggest influence growing up in Seattle.

The casual observer might find that sweet and endearing.

But it isn't.

TMZ notes that the National Enquirer uncovered a Pierce County, Washington police report finding 310 marijuana plants in the Malakar family garage. They have the mug shot of Momjaya and the charging doc up.

His sister Shymali allegedly kept watch with a bag of weed and drug paraphernalia.

Why should we worry?

Sanjaya is still a teenager, and according to Focus Adolescent Services, teenagers at risk for developing serious alcohol and drug problems include those who have a family history of substance abuse, who are depressed, have low self-esteem, and who feel like they don't fit in or are out of the mainstream.

Given the family's alleged drug love, Sanjaya's not fitting in/being mainstream, and having a bad time last week, Desissified is starting an official "SANJAYA WEED WATCH" to make sure he doesn't fall victim to the vice that plagued his two biggest inspirations.

I'm sure someone is on a Sanjaya watch for another faux pas committed by his sister:

Fortunately, I ain't gonna be on it. Someone else can take up SANJAYA NEKKID GUITAR PLAYIN' WATCH.
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Do you think Sanjaya is an "at risk teen"? What are you willing to do to help in the Weed Watch?

Post Sanjaya Depression

2007-04-25T15:00:00.001-05:00

Is it just me or was American Idol boring without Sanjaya? I was really bummed...until I saw THIS

In Defense of Little Pigs

2007-04-24T15:52:00.000-05:00

After Alec Baldwin went off on his daughter and called her a "thoughtless little pig", a lot of people didn't realize how insulting the remark was not just to his daughter, but pigs as well.

Pigs are one of the smartest animals on the planet. And, according to the PBS Nature program "The Joy of Pigs" they're actually more complex than most people think:

"To pig farmers, the animal is a commodity. To truffle harvesters, pigs are reliable hunters whose keen sense of smell locates these pricey fungi. To scientists, pigs are unique as one of the only large mammals that exists, in one form or another, in every part of the world. "

It is the Year of the Golden Pig and Chinese Astrologists believe that's a good thing:

It is said that children born under this sign will live in comfort as wealth and luck are always near. The Fire Pig is known to have traits of wealth, prosperity, luck and fertility

As a result, there is a baby boom in China. People are flocking to have little pigs of their own, unlike Alec Baldwin, who is unhappy with his.

In addition, the Year of the Golden Pig, which comes once every sixty years, should yield financial prosperity and marital bliss.

It's not just the Chinese who like pigs. Pigs have been celebrated in our culture, from Charlotte's Web to Piglet to Babe.

However, some pigs have a dark side to them:

"They're as curious as they are clever, and can be destructive as they explore", says Brenda Coe, adjunct assistant professor of animal science. "And they need a lot of space. Market hogs are sold at around 250 pounds for slaughter, but can reach 600 to 700 pounds. Though many people are happy owners of potbelly pigs, she adds, these much-smaller animals can sometimes be aggressive."

One wonders what an analysis of Alec Baldwin would yield.

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What is your assessment of Alec Baldwin vs the noble pig?

Beards

2007-04-23T07:48:00.000-05:00

A topic that has fascinated many involves women who turn out to be beards. Much has been written about the difficulty of being "out" in our repressed culture, but so little has been said about the female follicles.

Many beards go unshaven. There is little transition from a full beard to a goatee, so it's a troublesome topic to pin down. So many people assume that just because a guy is hot, he must be gay. The most popular target is Tom Cruise.

Another guy who gets the rumor is John Travolta.

However, one doesn't have to be hot in order to run victim to allegations of marrying a woman in order to disguise one's homosexuality. The most public victim of rumor and innuendo is David Gest, a man who is anything but hot.

These men, hot or not, are just subjects of speculation.

One man who isn't: former NJ Governor Jim McGreevey. Although he came out, many wondered whether his wife, Dina Matos McGreevey, knew or not.

Now we have an answer.

According to a NY Post Exclusive, knew that her husband was gay before they got married:

"As far as I know, she never really confronted anyone about it, she just kinda let it slide," one source said.

In her book "Silent Partner", Dina Matos McGreevey notes that after her husband officially came out, he told her "You have to be Jackie Kennedy today," and if she stayed at the governor's mansion until the last minute it would make her "look like white trash.

In wake of all this McGreevey news, there is one man who might be feeling the heat more than anyone else in America:

Save Sanjaya from Britney!

2007-04-20T08:34:00.000-05:00

It's bad enough that Sanjaya was booed at a Dodgers-Padres game, got the boot from American Idol, and was slammed by a panel of industry experts in USA Today.

But the worst thing that could happen to his career is looming. A threat that would destroy his fragile state of mind:

"Britney started watching American Idol when she was in rehab. She became a huge Sanjaya fan and thinks the two of them can make beautiful music together," the National Ledger quoted a source as saying.

The article further notes that Britney has dispatched her agents to contact Sanjaya.

If Sanjaya is allowed to work with Britney, he will be lost.

Now is the time to take a stand.

Efforts must be undertaken to stop Britney from corrupting Sanjaya's kid-friendly, non-threatening, pre-pedophile controversy Michael Jacksonian mojo.

You might say this is madness.

Madness?

THIS IS SANJAYA!

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What impact do you think Britney will have on Sanjaya?

Should Virginia Tech killer be linked to Super Mario?

2007-04-19T06:53:00.000-05:00

Someone finally pulled a John Hinckley analysis, AKA "Blame the Movie/Book/Videogame for creating the psycho", on Cho Seung-Hui for the Virginia Tech massacre. The movie of choice, for today at least, is Oldboy.

Look at the photo: Cho has a hammer and so does Dae-Su Oh, the protagonist of Oldboy. Cho was violent and so was Dae-Su.

Forget the fact that Cho used 9mm and .22-caliber pistols, not a hammer.

Forget the fact that Oldboy took place in Korea and Dae-Su fought to defend himself from thugs who kidnapped him and a criminal mastermind who tricked him into committing incest.

Yes, you read that right: Dae-Su slept with his daughter. At the end of the movie, once he finds out, he cuts out his tongue.

Forget that Dae-Su doesn't commit suicide. He, like George Michael suggested, Chooses Life. Unlike George Michael, Dae-Su decides to continue his monogamous relationship with his daughter. Unlike Dae-Su, Cho was childless and kept his tongue intact. Unlike Dae-Sue's mop-top hairstyle, Cho shaved his head.

What is the parallel between Dae-Su and Cho? Oh yeah, I forgot.

He took a photo with a hammer.

Since Cho was an English major, wouldn't it make more sense to blame John Henry?

Maybe Cho took a Norse Myths class. We can blame Thor...

Sorry, he probably read comics, so I got the wrong Thor...

Nope, throw all that out the window. It's Oldboy to blame.

If out of touch critics want to blame something. Why not blame a videogame? That's the "hip" thing to do these days. Don't worry, if you're not up on videogames. I'll give you a character who, like Cho, has a hammer...and even better yet...he's Asian!:

That's right. The Hammer Brother from Super Mario.

Why Sanjaya Lost

2007-04-19T06:48:00.000-05:00

He lost his mojo:

The libido...
The essence...
The right stuff...as Doctor Evil so eloquently stated.

What made Sanjaya thoroughly entertaining was the over-the-top spectacle which turned sanjaya malakar into SAN-JAYA. We loved the ponyhawk.

The homage to Saturday Night Fever:

The besame mucho mustache and goatee...

So, what happened?

According to Robert McKee, a comedic character's value is rooted in the dissonance of character perception: How a character believes himself to be perceived as opposed to how people actually perceive him. The best comedic characters have no clue how buffoonish they actually are.

Inspector Clouseau believes that he is the world's best detective, not a bungling idiot.

Archie Bunker didn't perceive himself to be a malicious bigot.

David Brent thought he was the coolest boss ever.

We love their cluelessness.

When David Brent begged for his job in the last season of The Office and admitted he was a loser, he wasn't funny anymore.

The similar thing happened with Sanjaya.

He picked "Something To Talk About" and we all knew he was talking about himself.

And it was boring.

Where was the cheesiness?

What happened to the misguided attempt to romance J.Lo?

And the stupid outfit?

boring.

He lost the naivete which endeared us.

He lost the fire.

He lost the SAN-JAYA-ness.

And now he's gone.

I hope KFC still has their offer open.
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Is this the last we have seen of Mr. Malakar? Why do you think he lost?

Absolutely Dreadful

2007-04-18T12:13:00.000-05:00

TMZ is reporting that American Idol judge Simon Cowell claims he wasn't rolling his eyes in response to contestant Chris Richardson's offering condolences to Virginia Tech victims and their families last night. They even have the video up. The show is now in full damage control mode.

We all know he's full of it. Simon's made snarky remarks about contestants wishing happy birthday to their moms and referencing other personal events for sympathy votes. The producers probably told him what was up during the break (that he was busted on live T.V.) and gave him an opportunity to correct his error later on...completely out of context after Blake Lewis performed!

Simon should follow his own advice: Be aware of the camera. Even in this picture, he looks like he's pointing and smiling at the Council blocking a childcare plan and not at his photo. Did the newspaper put his photo underneath the story to set him up? Maybe last night's eyeroll was a similar set up! Perhaps for all of his Sanjaya hate! The plot thickens...especially if Sanjaya gets voted off tonight!
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What do y'all think?

No Sanjaya, but maybe George Costanza?

2007-04-18T10:14:00.001-05:00

According to MSNBC, Paula Abdul threw a fit, pushed her way past other passengers, and demanded first class treatment on a sold-out Southwest Airlines plane that didn't have a first class section:

“She asked to be let on the plane and seated first,” an “eyewitness” told the Star. When Abdul was told that only young children, people with disabilities and the elderly were allowed to board early, she reportedly declared, “But I’m famous! I need to go on first!” A number of fellow passengers heard the exchange, and one shouted at her: “You’re no Sanjaya! You have to board like everyone else.”

Truer words have never been said.

Paula should heed the words of the clown in the Seinfeld fire episode:

"You're living in the past, man!"

Come to think of it, I think she probably acted just like George in more ways than one...

Will Vince Young Break the Madden Curse?

2007-04-18T09:13:00.000-05:00

There are a few truths in life:

Don't spit in the wind
Don't tug on Superman's cape
And sure as hell don't appear on the cover of Madden!

Tennessee Titans phenom Quarterback Vince Young, known for throwing caution to the wind as a gutsy, balls-to-the-wall player, is tempting fate by gracing the cover of EA Sports Madden 2008 Football Video Game.

For the last nine years, being on the cover of Madden has results in big bucks and big injuries:

Shaun Alexander, Seahawks	Non-displaced fracture in foot	2007
Donovan McNabb, Eagles	Sports hernia in first game of season; team divided by feud with T.O.	2006
Ray Lewis, Ravens	First season without INT, missed last game of season with broken wrist	2005
Michael Vick, Falcons	Fractured right fibula day after game hit shelves	2004
Marshall Faulk, Rams	Ankle injury, never again broke 1,000 yards for season	2003
Daunte Culpepper, Vikings	Struggled to 4-7 before season-ending knee injury	2002
Eddie George, Titans	Career year, but key turnover led to playoff loss	2001
Barry Sanders, Lions (shared cover with Madden)	Abruptly retired week before training camp	2000

Young has no chance, huh?

USC was supposed to crush Texas (Young's team) in the Rose Bowl. Young responded by giving one of the greatest performances in college history and winning the game.

Young was supposed to be too dumb to play pro football. Young responded by engineering a six game win streak as a rookie, winning the offensive rookie of the year award and being selected to the pro bowl.

Will Young continue this trend and break the curse? His agent thinks so:

"We don't believe in no jinx,'' agent Major Adams said. "People said when they put Vince on the cover of Sports Illustrated (that) it was going to jinx him in the Rose Bowl game, and (Texas) won the national championship. "We don't believe in stuff like that. In the unfortunate event he gets hurt, it is just a part of the game, not because you have the cover.''

As for me? Will I draft Vince Young, a man who has EXCEEDED all expectations, a man who has DEFIED convention, a man who has SPIT in the wind and pimpslapped Superman? Will I draft this man to my fantasy football team?

HELLS NO!
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Will you draft Vince? What do you think about the Madden curse?

Anatomically Correct?

2007-04-17T09:50:00.000-05:00

Last year, Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington went on a rampage and fought co-star McDreamy on set:

At one point, Isaiah yelled, "I'm not your little faggot like (name deleted)," according to the source. Those who heard him were stunned.

At the Golden Globes, Washington denied using the slur by repeating the slur. He went to rehab for sexual orientation issues and got an NAACP Image award.

The "name deleted" castmate Washington was referring to turned out to be T.R. Knight, who eventually came out. This weekend, Knight was rewarded by the show's producers for working with a virulent homophobe, by picking up the GLAAD award on behalf of the show.

So, Washington slurs Knight and gets an award from the NAACP.
Knight received the slur and picks up the GLAAD award.

Ann Coulter calls Presidential hopeful John Edwards a f*ggot and what does she get?:

A bloated J.J. Evans AKA Kid Dy-no-mite.

What would Michael Evans say?

(insert your own caption in the comments section)

They Really Hate P.D.A.s!

2007-04-16T12:19:00.000-05:00

Richard Gere, on a crusade to promote safe-sex in India, offended Hindu nationalists by kissing actress Shilpa Shetty numerous times IN PUBLIC on the hand and ON EACH CHEEK (on her face, you pervs). They responded by beating burning effigies of Gere with sticks and setting fire to glamorous shots of Shetty.

I'm not sure if the rage because Gere's middle name is "Tiffany", he engaged in a condom call and response, or they're still bitter because he divorced Cindy Crawford.

The rage could be from Shetty flirting with "Face" from the A-Team or punking out on "Celebrity Big Brother". They might have just been demonstrating what she should have done to the racists who harassed her on the show.

If they are pissed about a famous Bollywood actress being defiled in such a public display, imagine what they'd do if they knew about the gerbil incident!

Check out the video.
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What do you think about the incident? How close have you come to beating a burning effigy and why?

Imus Has A Posse

2007-04-16T08:46:00.000-05:00

According to the NY Daily News, Al Sharpton is beefing up his security after receiving threats from Imus fans:

"We have received several threats that we consider serious," he said. "I have been stabbed once, so we don't take anything too lightly."

Beefing up security is pretty popular these days. After G-Unit member Tony Yayo allegedly beat up a fifteen year old boy for wearing a rival rapper's gear, 50 Cent increased his security force because the fifteen year old's father was a guy nicknamed Henchmen.

Better think twice about getting a senior citizen fired!

What really concerns me about Al isn't the security issue. What worries me is if Imus and Sharpton continue to follow this feud, Al will end up like Fiddy: Having a woman drop a rumor of how bad he is in bed. That would not only ruin Al's reputation, it would have James Brown rolling in his grave. After all, in life, James wanted people to believe Al was his son. In death, we shouldn't besmirch his memory by making that son be anything...and I mean ANYTHING but a guy who gets on the scene like a sex machine. Get on up indeed...

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What do you think is next in the Imus-Sharpton feud?

Imus Be Mistaken

2007-04-14T15:42:00.000-05:00

Don Imus did the impossible.

He made Condi Rice get in touch with her roots and it didn't take shame from going on a shopping spree:

"I just thought that it was an attack on women's sports, first of all, and secondly an attack on very accomplished young black women in a way that was really offensive"

The message is simple: Say what you will about the war, the president or unemployment, but don't be callin' nobody no nappy headed hos!
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Of all the things to talk about, why do you think Condi choose Imus? When can we expect to hear from her next? Holla back!

Power of the Perm

2007-04-13T12:11:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or have you noticed that the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team members all got fresh perms after Imus' Nappy Headed Hos comment?

Newsday had a piece on the significance of the term, so did CNN, but they say nothing about the connection between their perms and Al Sharpton's touch up.

After all, he was the first one to defend them AFTER they got the perms. Would the brotha have helped them out if they remained true to their (for lack of a better term) roots?

Sharpton claimed to cop the 'do when he worked with James Brown (R.I.P.)

Every day, Sharpton delivers on a promise he made to Brown a couple of decades ago when he asked the civil rights activist "to straighten your hair like mine so when people see you they think you're my son."Brown often called Sharpton, urging: "I want you to keep it that way until I die." Sharpton said he will never give up the look. "That's my bond with James Brown." This is perm love!

However, Sharpton was nowhere to be found when James' hair went through a rough spell:

That, my friends is a damn shame, and a goddamn nappy mess!

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What do you think is the special significance and POWER of the perm? Speak on this...

Sanjaya Will Be The Next American Idol...

2007-04-12T12:44:00.000-05:00

...barring the producers engage in Katherine Harriseque voter fraud , for the simple fact that he has an annoying, undefinable quality which makes him likeable. George Costanza brought this phenomenon to light in the "Chicken Roaster" episode of Seinfeld:

George: You know the way I work, I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear it a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third date it's "By Mennen!".

Sanjaya has the same factor. Take me, for example. I couldn't stand the guy. Week after week, he would somehow manage to survive.

I asked a guy at work, Joe, about it, and he didn't know who was voting for Sanjaya:

"Indian call centers?" he guessed.

I theorized and found out that tweenz were voting for Sanjaya. A kind of Michael Jackson/non-threatening/best of both worlds kinda crush, which is innocent with little girls, but dangerous for adult women. Ask Dina Matos.

Then I found out my grandmother was voting for Sanjaya.

Why, Granny, WHY!!!!

"I felt so sorry for Sanjaya. He was so pathetic and Simon was unnecessarily vicious. So I voted for Sanjaya. The next week, he was so bad, he was hilarious, so I voted for Sanjaya again."

Grannies and tweenz. Enough to keep Sanjaya on, but not for too long.

Then he made that little girl cry and things just weren't the same.

I looked forward to his car wreck performances: the (can you call it) singing, the outfits, the hair, the godawful dancing.

Joe at work wasn't buying.

"I hope they get rid of Sanjaya and keep Antonella. Alexei, she looks so good. And that Haley girl. Beautiful."

As time passed, I realized that I wasn't the only one who Sanjaya started to grow on.

A pretty macho friend summed up his Sanjaya experience: "I didn't watch the show, but I heard about this guy Sanjaya, so I decided to check it out. "

What about now?

"I not only watch the show every week, I VOTE for Sanjaya. He's gonna win it, Alexei. Trust me."

I was leery, so I took it upon myself to ask almost everyone I encountered what they thought about Sanjaya.

The results were astonishing:

Everyone knew who he was, even if they had never watched an episode of American Idol.

And when they did watch? They liked Sanjaya. They really liked Sanjaya. So much so they vote for Sanjaya. Several times an episode.

"He'll probably make the final two. That's it." I told myself. "LaKisha, Jordin, and Melinda will split votes. But Sanjaya? He has people who will ONLY vote for Sanjaya."

I felt good about that. He'd go far, but wouldn't win. This was a singing competition after all.

Then the impossible happened.

This morning I spoke to Joe about Haley Scarnato, American Idol's resident slut, getting kicked off the show:

"Sanjaya is still on the show...." he bellowed.

"Unfortunately, huh?" I asked.

"Nope. I actually am starting to like Sanjaya."

SAN-JAYA!

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Have you felt the Sanjaya effect? How far do you think Sanjaya will go in the competition? Let us know in the comments section.

Lest ye be confused

2007-04-11T22:30:00.000-05:00

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